Shut up and listen

Let's get right to it.

I sat down (in the virtual sense) with a representative of the elitist cycling news website CyclingNews.com for a little one on one about the new frame I'll be riding on next year.

CN: So Dicky, we're hearing a lot about the frame you'll be riding next year, but we're not really hearing anything of substance. Any reason you're being so elusive?

TD: Yes.

CN: Care to expand on that?

TD: No.

CN: What material did you select for your new frame? Steel, aluminum, or carbon?

TD: Yes.

CN: Are you planning on giving us any answers other than "yes" or "no?"

TD: Maybe.

CN: So what will the new frame be made out of?

TD: Either steel, aluminum, or carbon... perhaps beryllium, stainless ceramic, or ivory.

CN: Ivory is illegal.

TD: Then not ivory.

CN: And stainless ceramic sounds like something you would make up for your blog.

TD: Errrr....

CN: What can you tell us about the frame?

TD: It's going to be a combination of everything I've always wanted in a frame. I'm taking the best of the bestest things I can think of and I'm putting it all it into one mega frame to rule them all.

CN: Everything?

TD: Well, everything except a refrigerator and unicorn wings.

CN: Unicorns don't have wings.

TD: Why does everybody keep telling me that? They do in my dreams... the ones without Sonya Looney in them. If she makes an appearance she always seems to get the wings.

CN: What can you give us that's actual proof that this new frame thing is for real?

TD: Here's the actual drawing, minus the details that would give away too much awesomeness.

CN: You've deleted a lot of information. Any reasons why?

TD: Do you know what would happen if the big corporations got a hold of this drawing? Let's just say the Big S has people sitting outside my house 24 hours a day, my phones are tapped, and my toilets haven't been flushing right for two weeks.

CN: You think Specialized did something to your toilet to spy on you? That doesn't sound very likely, but we did hear that they had a trained squirrel stationed in Stan's remote caddy on the arm of his La-Z-Boy, so we wouldn't put it past them. Any other hard information you care to share about the specifics?

TD: The new frame will hold two water bottles, albeit the old school Specialized ones with the pop tops. I hate those, but someone much smarter than me chose them for the design.

CN: Can you tell us anything else, specifically about the frame, and not about unicorns, improperly flushing toilets, stainless ceramic, or any other nonsense? Maybe you have a Sonya Looney picture you could share with us. We journalistic types at cyclingnews.com are quite enamored with her.

TD: The frame will have a few features that make it sort of modernish, but I'm not giving that information away here today. I've got to hold something over the readers' heads for the next few weeks if I want them to keep coming back. I've lost two followers since the off season began, and if this attrition continues I might lose what shreds of self esteem I have left. Photoshop only gets me so far.

CN: So that's all you have to say about your new frame? If that is all you can share I doubt we'll be able to publish this interview on the website. Bandwidth is pretty expensive, and we can't bump one of our very important doping articles for this nonsense. Did you hear that Alberto Contador is now saying he ate some beef that came from a cow that consumed a contaminated blood bag? It's true.

TD: I did not hear that. Perhaps if I doped you'd finally write about me.

CN: Maybe you'd actually win something in 2011. At least you might be interesting if you doped.

TD: Asshole.

CN: I would say the concludes this interview. Thanks for your time, and good luck with this frame that will probably never happen and if it does it will probably explode into a million pieces when you take it out of the box.

TD: Fucker.