Thursday, March 18

Thinking of a master plan

So the new prospective coach and I sat down for a little one on one last night. The Moustache and I discussed last year, this year, goals, and aspirations.

"I'd like to win every race I enter this year" I told him.

"Sounds like you will be very disappointed. Do you have a back up plan... maybe a bit of a lesser goal?" The Moustache replied.

"Well I really wanna beat Cush at the Trans Sylvania Epic in May, but that doesn't seem like a very lofty goal" I said.

"Not very lofty indeed, but very possible, and there is a most excellent chance that you could see it to fruition. Hey, that gives me an idea. Didn't you totally dominate Mike Ferrentino at the Breck Epic last year?" The Moustache chortled in a run on manner.

"Yeah, but he was admittedly in terrible shape and only there for the high gravity beer and free schwag. Did you know he was haphephobic?" I responded.

"Well then maybe this is your key to success. Since you are now a successful, published journalist with a well established magazine known as Le Rag de Dirt in France perhaps you shouldn't have your sights on the top of a "normal" podium. Let's face it, the single speed podium is full of old washed up has-beens who have given up on gears to beat up on a bunch of hungover never-even-was-in-order-to-be-has-been wannabe athletes. Seriously, you don't have a chance there anymore, but this whole "domination of the cycling industry and media types" thing... now maybe you're onto something there. And no, I didn't know Ferrentino was haphephobic. Is it a germ thing or a body hair thing for him? Some hairy people don't like to be touched. " The Moustache mused.

"I'm not sure, but he gets like Warren if you touch his head." I said.

"but anyways, maybe you're right. I've got lotsa enemies... errrr, acquaintances in the cycling media world. Just the other day Tyler "Toolbag" Benedict over on Bike called me out."

Here it is rocked by a guy that looks a lot like what I suspect Dicky (aka: Rich Dillen, aka: my adversary at Breck Epic this year) will look like in 5 years:

"Now were talking" The Moustache said as he twirled himself diabolically. "That's what were after. Anybody else we can add to our list of easy to defeat foes in the weak cycling media world?"

"I'll be doing The Six Hours of Warrior Creek in April, and I know Arleigh will be there. I'm not above beating up on women. I totally thrashed Karen Brooks at the Shenandoah 100 last year." I replied.

"Go on...." goaded The Moustache.

"Well she writes semi-sporadically for Commute by Bike, Bike Shop Girl, and, so if you put all those together she has a legitimate case to be included amongst the journalistic elitist douchebags. Plus I think I can beat her pretty soundly... I mean she's coached by a six year old." I gladly reported.

"This is sounding quite good. I think our focus must be beating up on these sorts of people, the leaches of the cycling industry that you can proudly include yourself amongst the ranks of. Maybe if we're lucky Sue George from will mount up a number plate and toe the line with you. She's always had something against you... or maybe she's just trying to hide an unrequited longing that burns deep within her heart and loins." The Moustache pondered.

"Probably the former, but I like the sounds of the latter. Regardless of anyone's burning loins I think I'm down with this new plan. Although I'll only have a short amount of time between now and the Warrior Creek race once I stop coughing I will train as hard as I have to in order to put Arleigh in my rear view mirror" I concluded.*

Thus ended the high level meeting between the new head coach at Bad Idea Racing and it's highest ranking unpaid athlete.

*Actually I just ran out of time this morning to make fun of anybody else.


mr rogers said...


brado1 said...

Beans & Franks....

wv: glept

kurisu said...

Sheesh, when I read you talking about changes and big moves, I thought you were gonna be running gears or something crazy like that...

dicky said...

This has nothing to do with "that".

furryknuckle said...

first, in the interest of some degree of accuracy, we are "leeches", not "leaches" as you so half-assedly assert. you are supposed to be a pro now, so learn to rely on something other than built-in spellcheckers for accuracy.

second, i like being touched, just not by you.

third, you have a thing for picking the low hanging fruit. do you think this might have something to do with your long career of underachievement?

dicky said...

FK, Leeches, leaches, peaches, peeches. I'm writing at 5:30am, and I'm still in a bit of a fog until sometime around 8:30. Since I can't get to a computer till I get home sometimes I just have to let my shit float in the bowl. Low hanging fruit tastes good when you have short arms.

Mike said...


Your blog has been recommended to us as a interviewee's favorite blog!

We would like to do an interview with you about your blog for
Blog Interviewer. We'd
like to give you the opportunity to
give us some insight on the "person behind the blog."

It would just take a few minutes of your time. The interview form can
be submitted online here Submit your

Best regards,

Mike Thomas

KBrooks said...

I'll have you know – training has begun to best my 420th placing at Shenandoah! Low-lying fruit, eh? If not me, then Arleigh's gonna kick your a$$ for the chicks!

(for that above request, you should just submit the interview that's already done:

Anonymous said...

If I trained Arleigh, she definately would kiss your ass. Come on Dick-eh, let's get your groove on. You know you need to, now do it!

Anonymous said...

Oops that was suppose to read "KICK". Damn ;)

Tyler / Bikerumor said...

Jeez, now I've gotta start training for the unofficial, completely unsanctioned "media cup" class. Thanks a lot.

You're. Going. Down.

- Tyler