"I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid." ~ Drew Carey

Next up on the menu...

My annual "go to Greensboro, make bad decisions, turn a twenty four mile event into a fifty mile ride, and hang with my other better half, Watts" trip.  The King and Queen of the Watershed is the "Race.Ride.Party." event with the priorities listed in reverse order, or mebbe just in our case.  Dunno.  Pretty sure they give you beer tickets, and if you don't need them, I know two guys with four thumbs and two bad haircuts who do.  A couple hours of intense effort over five stages is exactly when I've not been training for (never have tho TBH), but it's a great way to blow out my entire body at the almost end of the "season."  The scabs from my wreck three weeks ago have fallen off my bendy parts like autumnal leaves (with some encouragement), but my AC joint and hand are still slightly angry at me for still being alive.  Guess I'll ride my mid-squish single speed and load up on ibuprofen Sunday morning.

And when I get back...

Monday is the last day I'm taking donations for the Horny Cat 69 bike ride/party.  FWIW, HandUp just sent me a buttload of giveaway "prizes."

There's like 50-60 something pairs of gloves, socks, jersey, fenders, hats and whatnot in that pile.  These will hopefully be distributed in a more organized manner this year, assuming I'm not in the emergency room for the better part of the day.  So for your (minimum) donation of $13, you get pizza, beer, a bike ride of some distance up to 69 miles, and something worth something.  This has to be the best idea for a self-sustaining economy since the invention of Paddy's Dollars.

Most of the details are here in an older post or on the Facebook events page (which just sends you back Paddy's Dollars' style to the blerhg post).  If you know enough already, and just wanna throw your money in the cup, send me an email at smellycat100k@hotmail.com, and I'll get back to you at my convenience.

Ridge Runout Gravel '25... but First, Some Horny News

We are now fewer than three weeks out from the Horny Cat 60 bike party/bike ride/fundraiser.  I'm gonna stop taking donations on October 6th for reals.  If you ride bikes and drink beers and eat pizza and live in Charlotte, you have no excuses.  Come.  Have fun (as much as you want).  I'm not twisting any arms, but I might consider giving noogies.  HandUp just mailed me a pile of stuff, so between the beer, pizza, and swag, at the low cost of $13, you're losing money if you don't come out and play.  Email me at smellycat100k@hotmail.com for deets.

Well, despite being still banged up from lawn-darting myself around mile .72 at the Pisgah Monster Cross two weekends ago, I decided to finally let myself be coerced into signing up for Big 'n Buttery's Ridge Runout Gravel pilot event.  Obvs, garvel is still not my thing, but I'm trying to stay on this "fitness journey," and my ability to ride trail for an extended period of time is still limited by my banged up hand and this:

That's still sticking up and causing discomfort.  Fortunately, 99% of riding a bike on a non-bumpy surface is okay, so with that in mind...

Bonehead mistakes are made.

Since I figured I wouldn't be riding my Vertigo Meatplow V.7 between Pisgah Monster Cross and the Fonta Flora Barnburner 50k (Oct 18), I went ahead and put the garvel wheels/tires back on the noodle bar bike (that I'd be sadly relegated to riding for awhile until I get molar betterer) and reinstalled the w-i-d-e Hydra crabon hoops with my usual 2.6/2.4 tire combo.  Whilst I didn't wanna spin an extra pound and a half of rubber knobbies in circles, I also signed up so late that I didn't have the wherewithal to make the swap again.  

Other dum dums?  Not only did I forget that I can't reach my right jersey pocket and that's exactly where I put my Scandinavian Swimmers, I also made a mistake that I didn't know was possible.  I decided to finally use some of the Chamois Butter samples I'd been collecting for years, and when I ripped that purple and yellow pack open and put a big squirt in my hand...

Did you know they make a Kit Wash sample that comes in an almost identical pack because I certainly did not.

Sigh.

All that and once again I failed at loading a route on my Wahoo Data Acquisition Device or didn't start it properly and spent most of the day 129 feet from a right turn on to Valley "something."

Anyhoo...

There weren't a whole lotta riders present, but that was by design.

"This dry run is an opportunity to ride the full course with a larger group, provide feedback, and help refine logistics for the 2026 series."

And also this:

"No podiums—just community, effort, and post-ride beer and pizza/food. It’s not a race.  

But… we all know better."

Hmmm... so you don't have to go fast, but there's always gonna be "tryers," isn't there?

The course is described as "front loaded fun," which means...

So... the good news is the single speed will only be a limiting factor down in that rolling valley, assuming the raging descent at the start doesn't destroy my untested shoulder or that my 32 X 19 was a poor choice given my inability to really pull up on the bars when climbing outta the saddle.

FWIW: People were on all manner of bikes, proper noodle bar bikes from an ENVE MOG to a steel Soma, to long travel hard tails with tiny tires and flat pedals and a pre-Boost Niner SS frame converted to noodle bar duties, and a fair amount of regular old full squish XC bikes.  All we needed was a tall bike, a bakfiet, and a bearded dude in SPD sandals, and it woulda been like RAGBRAI... if it went down and up a mountain.

The first thirteen mile descent was a doozie.  Rough and fast and most of the groups that were rolling together for the first five or so miles blew apart.  I saw a few people dealing with flats, and that at least made me feel slightly better about my tire (non)selection.  Down in the "valley," things went as expected.  I was caught and passed while I helplessly spun and tucked and watched riders disappear ahead of me.  At east I get to "look forward" to the climb?

There's a slight incline approach alongside Carroll Mill Creek that kinda worked out with my gearing.  That said, I was riding along with Jason at a talking pace, he'd suffered a flat and a slow leak earlier... and I thought mebbe I'd have company for the first time.  Then he saw Big 'n Buttery pulled over to help someone else with a flat...

"You have a pump?"

And just like that, Jason seized the opportunity to save his last CO2 and get some free air from Big 'n Buttery.  Now I'm gonna be lonely again, but my thinking was as long as I could get to the base of the climb up Pineola before they can pull me back as a group, so bueno?

Well, it woulda been bueno, but they all came around me well before the aid station at mile 36.  Most of them stopped, but I just grabbed a cookie and kept rolling, gambling on whether or not doing this whole thing on two large water bottles and the handful of candy I painstakingly swapped to my hip pocket was a stupid idea.  I passed one rider on the early part of the climb, and from there, I essentially just stared at the colored arrows on my Wahoo Data Acquisition Device for an hour.  Recover on the greens, stay seated on the yellows, stand on the oranges, and suffer through the reds.  At the top, I realized I was still miles from the finish, but I went all-in anyways.

It was a welcome sight to climb up the gravel driveway of Wildhaven Farm.  I rolled past the parked cars... nobody.  Past the pizza and beer... nobody.  Up to the timing clock and... I'm the first one here?

 

I did not expect that in the least.

They took glamour shots in front of the pond, kind of a "who rode what" thing.  Obviously, the best choice for next year's events is a rigid single speed with 2.6/2.4 tires, 780mm bars, and a 175mm drooper post.

So, first overall in the "non-race."

And first single speed (also in the "non-race").

Big 'n Buttery came up with the podium idea while he was riding up Pineola Road, obviously his brain not getting enough oxygen at the time.  Kinda wished I woulda stood up, but being a couple beers deep and wobbly from the effort of the day, sitting was the choice move for this acrophobic old man.

So that was another good use of fitness, and although I went into this with a "this course don't make no sense" attitude, it kinda did.  Good times, gooder ride, and great company.

Now back to the business of healing up proper.

Aroused Feline LXIX is coming...

It's been a fun week of wound care/scab management, avoiding obstacles with certain body parts, googling AC joint separation/sprain, adapting my "strength training" to accommodate my limited mobility and keeping sensitive areas from touching the ground or bearing weight (pushups still ain't happening), and really missing my mountain bike.  It really is time to start getting back to the business of lining up ducks for the Horny Cat 69 in less than a month, or as it's known south of the border...

Most of the important details are already in this post, so click on over if you dunno anything about what's going on.  I'm gonna keep taking your money for the party/fundraiser until EOD October 6th.  I'd rather close it up Sunday night, but I had to go ahead and add a day because I'll be busy with the King and Queen of the Watershed and any related fallout until Monday morning.  For a minimum of $13 (there is no maximum), you can ride around and have a big 69 mile adventure (or less if you so choose) that ends in a party and probably/mebbe some swag. 

I've been out and about with my limited physicality making sure things are as they should be.

The sketchy bridge is still strong enough to withstand the downward forces generated by a skinny but fat four apple tall man on a slightly upgraded mid-level build noodle bar bike with too much sealant in the tires.  I suspect it will still be okay in a month's time.

I rode the entire Mount Muck section, and currently... it's dry?  I couldn't believe it myself, but I managed to get through the whole thing without walking around one swamp or sippy hole.  It had been running about like this the last time I explored down there:

Fangers crossed.

I've already got a decent number of people coming, but the more the merrier... until there's too many... but I'm not there quite yet.  A few people paid up just to donate to the cause and aren't even attending.  I've yet to get one female participant, but I seem to remember every woman who came last year completed nearly everything... but then again, what do I know?  I spent most of the day in the E.R.  

Anyways, it ain't all about the Horny Cat yet.  Still got the King and Queen of the Watershed and the Barnburner 50k to knock out, so I'm gonna still be an "athlete" for a few more weeks.

Had to stock up on Cheat Juice™, as I'll be boosting my Hemo Goblins until the end of the "season" and starting right back up when it's time to get ready for Winter Shart Tarck.  I've been using it pretty consistently as opposed to just before rides since... some time in April?  The science is there to back it up, so you don't have to base your nutrition decisions on the incredibly "successful" year that I've had.

And speaking of stocking up...

Although I have a shit ton of HandUp gloves, I picked up a couple more pairs of Sundura gloves.  I know it's gonna get chilly in a couple months, and I'll have to resort to warmer options, but I've grabbed these more often than any other pair of gloves this entire summer.  Mebbe I'll select vented gloves when it's balls hot outside and I'm thinking performance over comfort, but the Sunduras just seem inexplicably more comfortable than any other full fanger hand covers made by HandUp.

And if I've learned anything about finding a favorite anything, it's that hoarding is the only option.

Anyhoo, get into Horny Cat now, so I can be more worried about the weather on October 11th than I already am.

'25 Pisgah Monster Cross: Hamburger Helper Edition: Part 2

 FWIW: I've been riding a mountain bike since the late '80s and "racing" since 1992.  I'm aware that after coming off the bike pretty hard, I'm gonna be jazzed up with adrenalin.  I'm not going to be fully aware of the extent of my injuries until it starts to wear off.  Climbing up the single track climb of Stoney Knob (credit me sorta if you liked it, blame Eric if you didn't), I started doing inventory.

Right shoulder.  It hurts.  I don't have full range of motion, but my collar bone feels "smooth'ish?"

Right hand and mostly pinky.  It's throbbing, and inside my glove, it feels like someone tried to put too much sausage in the casing. 

Right hip.  Something's going on under my bibs, but it feels... not good but not terrible.

And... my left hand too.  Something going on there as well.

On the upside, my face, teeth, ding dong, and all else feel unaffected.

Pretty sure when I banged a right off the trail and headed down 475c, that's when the adrenalin had worn off.  I can feel every bump and thud in my shoulder and finger.  Ack.  Now I'm having those "am I making things worse by continuing?" thoughts.  I'm not doing so hot at controlling my bike, and the slower I go, it feels like the more bumps I hit.  I end up in a washout at the side of the road, yell "I'M IN A DITCH," hit the brakes... and Steve, who was on my wheel at the time, goes down.

Stop.

"Are you okay Stephen?"

*groan*

But in a positive way.

Continue on down to the hatchery and the most logical bailout point that I'll see the rest of the day. 

PMC photo cred: Icon Media Asheville

I have a feeling I'm in first place, but what do I know?  I'd passed the only other SSer that started in front of me (I think), but what happened whilst I was running around, picking up my things, and pulling on my fleshy bits?   I decide that the pride in all this would be in getting to the finish line... hoping it doesn't end up in the shame I'd feel if I'm making something worse.

I learned to adapt to my situation as I sorted various issues out.  I can't reach my right jersey pocket so well, so swap my gummies to the left... but still dump my gummies into my left hand to be stuck holding the bag in my right hand... dammit.

I couldn't get my sausage pinky to grip the bars, and letting it just flail about in the wind wasn't so buenos, so I wrapped it up and over it's neighbor finger on the descents.  That hurt less.

Late edit... yeah... like this:

Banging my way down some godforsaken Jeep road, and I feel my Awesome Strap dangling between my legs.  Poop.  I thought I'd slightly overloaded it, but apparently... I totally overloaded it giving the amount of bouncing around I'd be doing on 45mm tires.  Turn around, head back up, look for my jettisoned CO2 and plugger (still had the tube, tire lever, and chain tool), find nothing but sadness, turn around, and head back down...

and get passed by a single speeder.  Dammit.

I'd already told myself that finishing was now the goal, but that hurt a little.  Woulda been cool to win, but being that he passed me on a downhill (and his calves were cannonballs), there wasn't gonna be much I could do to hang on.  Quite literally.

Fast forward.

Down the paved descent, get through the SS doldrum section, start making my way back in the direction of the finish.  My legs feel great on the climbs, so I'm counting down the much more painful (for me) descents. Four to go, three to go, two to go...

and on the climb up 475b... there he is.

Dammit.

I'd all but given in, but caution meet wind.

I did everything I could to come by him as fast as possible while also masking how much effort it would take.  If he's blown up, bueno.  If not...

He's not.  He sticks my wheel, and I keep it up for a few minutes... but...

"I was just seeing if you still got it.  You do."

*says nothing*

*rides away*

I do end up getting back up to a closeable distance, but knowing I'd have to beat him down the five mile descent on closed 477?  That ain't happening.

"I need you to go faster!"

*says nothing*

I slow up and he gets away on the very last climb.  He was kind enough to wait three minutes at the finish to give me a fist bump tho so okay. 

I haven't wanted to cry at a finish line in a very long time, but that hurt.  A lot.  For over five and half
hours. 

I'm not crying.  You're crying...

FOR HAMBURGER!

Head over to the medical tent, borrow some items, and go to a quiet place where I can scrub and make noises.

*urp*

Beer make pinky better?

I saw Bob Saffell and told him what I did and he said he saw the whole thing.

FYI: Saffell Says™ don't do that.

First place single speed busted out early, so Brad was happy to take his place.

Brad will do anything (anything) to stand above me on the boxes.

Started with FWIW and ending same.

The guy who bumped my uglies found me at the finish line and apologized.  I also said I was sorry for the profanity, but also that not only was it not directed at him, it's also probably really a compliment.  Who doesn't like a c__ks__ker?

So, I'm glad I did a thing.  More enthused that I just have some flesh wounds and soft tissue damage to get over.  Not stoked that I was really looking forward to some mountain bike riding in the cooling fall temps and that just doesn't look like it's happening any time soon.

C'est la vie.

'25 Pisgah Monster Cross: Hamburger Helper Edition... Semi-Predumble

"I can't drink too many beers."

"I have lain with many men."

These are memorable things I heard over the weekend, which taken out of context are much more enjoyable than they should be... to me.

Everything leading up to getting to the start went as peachy keen as it possibly could.  We got outta town in time to get to registration, hit Ecusta Brewing for the right amount of beer, and head back to the most excellent Air BNB ten minutes away at a reasonable time.  Well, someone did hand me the wrong food order at Ecusta... and like a dummy, I ate it.  The ensuing gastrointestinal distress was something to deal with (worse for the people I was staying with), but if that's the most terrible thing that could go wrong, I can handle it.

Saturday morning, we drove over to the start in a little bit of rain, but it all settled down before we got out of the car.  I didn't warm up because I figured the couple miles of flat road at the start would do the job before we hit the climb up Joel Branch Road.  I lined up mebbe 30-40 riders back in a field of I'd guess 150+ total.  32X19 ain't gonna play all that nice with the super-fasties and a live start from the get-go, and any moving up is gonna have to wait until I start climbing and chasing carrots.

Everything was going super smooth until mile .72.  I know this is where things went sideways because thanks to my Wahoo data acquisition device, that's exactly where I was when I went from 20.3mph to 0mph in a hurry.

Everyone was skirting around various puddles and forest debris on the double track road, and it seemed more like a nice friendly group ride.  I moved a few inches to my right to avoid something, and that's when someone slightly behind me decided they wanted to be in the space I was occupying more than I did.  I didn't really know what was happening, but thanks to the many eye witnesses behind me, I eventually got a clearer picture.  I don't think I had time to let go of the bars, because my right hand seemed to have been pile-driven into the gravel.  I was told that suddenly my yellow shoes were up in the air where most people were used to seeing helmets.  Based on that information and the fact that I'm now back at work dealing with a multitude of injured body parts, I'm gonna say it's...

When I finally got to my feet, I yelled "C__KSU__ER!"  Not directed at the rider who made contact with me and sent me rag-dolling while he rolled away unscathed, but more at my sad state of affairs in general.  I'm in the best shape I've been in for I don't know how many years, and whilst I don't consider myself a "gravel dad lord," I wanted to see what I could do with this body I "built."

Now I'm just standing there in everyone's way yelling obscenities at the sky while they're trying to be halpful or concerned. 

"Are you alright?"

"Your water bottle is over there!"

"Dicky, you okay?"

"Be careful, your glasses are in the road up here..."

Also...

etc.

My glasses went one way, my water bottle went the other into the weeds, and my bike is a few feet behind me.  I gather all my things, drag my bike to the side of the road, put my tethered Wahoo data acquisition device back on its mount, and begin to assess my bodily damage.  I've got white grooves in my elbow meat that haven't filled with blood yet.  My knee looks like a pile of dirty hamburger with shreds of fleshy bits hanging off.  I give the bits a quick tug, but they seem to want to still be a part of me, so now it's time to think about how to proceed with my day.  It would be super easy to let everyone go by and then head back to the finish.  It seemed too early in the day to give up tho, so fuck it.

I tell myself I can always easily quit when I get to the bottom of the first descent at mile something something and just ride the flat paved road back to the start.

Okay.  Sure.  Why not?

For the worms?

 Ahem.

Send me money for the Horny Cat 69, please and thank.

I'm splitting my focus between getting everything all in order for the Horny Cat 69 in a little over a month and also making the most of the fitness I gained at the Breck Epic, spreading it as copiously as I can across the slice of bread that is the remainder of my '25 " season."  I've got more miles in my legs over the past few months than I have in many years, and I'm probably still riding the wave of boosted Hemo Goblins in my bloods.  I woulda loved to have tossed all this at a mountain bike cycle event, like the Tree Shaker 6 hour race, but it's still not back on the calendar because they only recently repaired a major bridge that ties the course all together.  On top of that, I've done one too many Shenandoah Mountain 100s to consider a sane return, so I get the Pisgah Monster Cross Challenge again this weekend.

Yup, back on this contraption.  I've only done two events on a geared bike since... dunno?  The year 2001?  The '23 Bootlegger on my Crux (because I owned it?) and the regrettable flew too close to the sun on an injured body '22 Shenandoah Mountain 100 (correction: '21) on my shifty Epic EVO (for the same dumb reason, ownership).  Both episodes scarring me enough that I can't fathom "racing" on a geared bike any time soon.  I'm just used to accomplishing daring and heroic things in my own particular... ummmmm... ummmmm...

There's a couple things on the 780mm flat-barred Vertigo Meatplow V.7 set up for a garvel/noodle bar event that are untested, and there's no time between now and Saturday to figure out if they are good choices.  Whatever.  Wait... make that three things.

The Horny Cat 69 is plugging away, and in the first week, I've already got sixteen people throwing money into the party/fundraising pot.  I had close to fifty (I think) in 2023, so I'm hoping people will start penciling it in sooner rather than later.  Pretty sure I won't take any money after October 5th so I can plan ahead as much as possible.  Once again, email me at SMELLYCAT100K@hotmail.com.  As little as $13 (more if you like), and you can come play the game.

And in and amongst all that, I still have King and Queen of the Watershed the week before Horny Cat 69 and the Barnburner 50k the week after.  Still lots to do before I can put a cap on the 20th year of the blerhg.

Just one more year, and it can legally drink.

You know it's getting real when...

*runs real fingernails down imaginary chalkboard*

I know all you impatient people have been out there wanting to know when I was gonna get off my ass and announce the go or no-go on putting on the Horny Cat 69 (still not brought to you by the Mutual of Omaha) this year.  Well, I just needed time to make that sweet MS Paint image because I'm all about putting out marketing material that matches the quality of this non-event/bike ride/waste of a whole day/backyard shindig.  

And I had to wait and see if I really wanted to do this again after leaving half my soul in Breckenridge.  The Breck Epic was kind enough to ship it back to me after finding it in a bathroom stall at the Gold Pan.

And there were some logistical issues (which probably could have been ignored but whatever).

And I had to waste a decent amount of brain space considering a haircut.  Mebbe this should be a fundraiser for a hair stylist and not some bunch of chuckleheads with chainsaws.

Here are the details.

It will be on October 11th.

The unsupported ride-at-your-own-risk group ride with an absolute "will drop you" policy on an arduous unmarked route knowing that the "group" will probably fall apart immediately will start at 9:00am.

There will be a Tarheel Trailblazers fundraiser pizza/beer/one six pack of Fanta jubilee at my house which is also the end point of the ride.  An expected donation of $13 will get you access to all those groceries (that's an old fashion term for food you buy from places that sell food, so I hear), and also you will be emailed a DOWNLOADABLE route sometime the week before the ride.  You can donate more if you choose to feel generous.  You can also donate, skip the ride, and just make great party as well.

SEND AN EMAIL TO SMELLYCAT100K@hotmail.com, and you will get payment information AND be added to the email distribution list.  

It will be mentioned in the pre-ride email, but I'm not gonna give an OVERLY detailed breakdown of the route like I did last time.  It's more simple this year.  If you're a local, you can follow most of the squiggles on the Ride with GPS route and know relatively what you're doing.  You will find yourself in places you shouldn't be.  If that makes you uncomfortable, don't go there.  You'll never be much more than thirteen miles of mostly peaceful greenway away from your vehicle, that is if you drove there. 

I've not considered a rain date, but I probably would do my best to make it happen later if we get shut down due to Charlotte being Charlotte, what with its thousand year storms every three weeks.  We didn't need it last time, and I did say that if I couldn't pull this off at all, I would donate ALL the money to the Tarheel Trailblazers.  If you were one that was predisposed to joining in on this ride, you're also probably someone who benefits from all their hard work, so you shouldn't mind pissing away $13 of your money... if it's for a cause you don't already support or you already do but could do a little more.

The WHOLE ride is really close to sixty nine miles, 42% off road or UNKNOWN, so a mountain bike is a great idea.  A noodle bar gravel bike would be okay... but you're not gonna like 15-20 miles of the route very much.  You do you tho.  Bring spare toobs.  Don't be someone else's problem.

This whole thing is really about the festivities and the raising of money, and the hanging out in my backyard with a few of my favorite things:

Beer
Pizza
Frands
Bikes
Not mosquitoes

I expect some will cut the route substantially, and I'm gonna do my best to prepare for some early arrivals.  Everyone has a different measure for success, so if you're idea of a good time is riding 25-30 miles and then consuming $12.99 worth of pizza and beer...

There, another five minutes of my life wasted with MS Paint..

I do want to ride a little bit this year, and as long as I can keep my kneecap from being exposed to the open air and spending most of my day (and $3,000 Americas) in the E.R., I'm gonna roll around a little bit before making sure all the ducks are lined up in duck rows back at my ducking place.  I'm imagining beer and six Fantas available @2:00, pizza shortly after that.

I might have some attendee swag.  I've yet to reach out to the benevolent people at HandUp, but I will... now that I've officially said this thing is a "thing."

Any questions?  Mebbe ask me on Facebook or IG (or that email address), because I check the comments here as often as I get my oil changed in my car that sits in the driveway 99% of the time.

See you there.  Or not. 

No pressure.