Sober Stinkfist

I'm gonna talk about tools...

shitty, not shitty, somewhat imperative, and mebbe not so much?

I wrote some time ago about a regrettable (for ethical reasons) purchase I made from Temu because I allowed myself to fall for the tactics they use on feeble-minded consumers.  Feeble or slightly beer-addled... same same.

I bought a super poopy "$75" derailleur hanger alignment tool for $3.74.  I only own one geared bike now, and I've not used this tool out once since I bought in in January '24.  I took a stick to my hangdown on my garvel bike a few months ago but didn't bother breaking out the tool because it was only causing one funky shift on the cassette that I could mostly tolerate.  After the Watts van trip, I decided to finally put it to the test.

It was as poopy as expected.  There was a lot of play in the arm that had to be accounted for, but it was 85% better than eyeballing it, and I felt very "mechanical" when I was done.  That said, I've used a real DAG before, and this is no real DAG.  If five outta six of my bikes weren't single speeds, I'd buy a decent one.

I meant to swap out the OG Forekaster 2.35 rear tire on the Vassago Optimus Meatplow V.10 to a more Florida-friendly 2.4 Aspen before the trip, but... le sigh.  I decided to prioritize the task upon my return, but I found out that these had fallen outta my oh-shit-I-hope-I-don't-need-these-things drawstring bag that resided in the recesses of a cupboard in the van:

I swear by these clever things, and I missed my Birzman tubeless tire levers suchly:

Of course, the liner makes it all the more challenging.

I managed to get it on with only a minimal amount of swearing, and I got so caught up in the success that I forgot to put sealant in before getting the tire all the way on the rim... so, more swearing.  Obvs.

I member culling the herd of Dick Support on the sidebar late last year.  Topeak was one of the things I dropped because I hadn't heard anything from them in some time, so I assumed I was persona non grata.  

I was wrong.

I got the "whatcha want" email a couple weeks ago.  Honestly, one of my wants was pretty meager.  

I had been using a random drill bit that was just the size of the core end of the stem, but some of the valve stems I'm currently using have an inner diameter that's a bit narrower at the base.  That means I can't get full insertion with my bit.  In comes the Tubi Valve Cleaner into my world.

I didn't have to look beyond the pegboard in front of me to find my first victim.

One end of the tool has a valve core remover built into it.  I now have an even one hundred different valve core removers at the ready at all times.

Anyways, a few seconds of reaming later...

As Standartenführer Hans Landa would say, "THAT'S A BINGO!"

I also started futzing with this:

I wish I had the slightest clue why I have a complete rear XTR brake master cylinder/lever in my possession.  Anyhoo, the used brakes I bought to "downgrade" the Vassago Optimus Meatplow V.10 had a beat up looking rear, and I saw some fluid that belongs on the inside on the outside, so I wanted to learn a thing or two about the last bit of innards I wasn't familiar with, the bladder.  It's a way too long story, but after some head scratching, swearing, and moments where I was pretty sure I did a bad thing, I was able to assemble a whole lever and use this new toy to finish it off:  

More about that after I point this out...

I love that I now have an 8mm crow's foot to put on a torque wreck to squash my olivers down proper like, but also... guess what?

I guess I now own one hundred and one valve core removers.

The entire kit offers up a conundrum for me.

I like the handy travel case... but I don't think I'll ever use the Phillip's head, flat head, or 5/6 of the T-bits.  I hope to gob I never have to use the crow's foot when traveling (although if I'd had all the pieces-parts, it woulda came in handy the night before the 2024 PMBAR), and I can't remember what a 10mm Allen key goes into bike-wise (removing a 1999 XT free hub body?).  That said, I'd definitely want the 60nm ratchet with the speed sleeve attachment for extra leverage for things like Paragon sliders and pedals.

So, I kinda wanna break the kit up for my purposes, but I know that you should treat your torque tools like a Stradivarius violin and only take it out of the case to use it, and then IMMEDIATELY return it to said case before anyone can breathe on it sideways.

Meanwhile, my bathroom ceiling needs repaired, the roof has a leak (unrelated), and my HVAC unit needs its spring cleaning.

The women do not find me handsome.  They do find me handy.