Tuesday, June 16

Six Degrees of Ed Asner

I had to call Breck Epic promoter Mike McCormack last night about a matter that would have global implications and perhaps change the course of history itself... the kinda topic where email just couldn't hack the expediency of the issue at hand. This was my first conversation using actual human voices with Mike, and it was kinda weird to talk to him after more than six months of shooting emails back and forth. I can't discuss the matters that were discussed, but suffice to say Mike has me beat hands down when it comes to throwing irrelevant references to pop culture into everyday conversations. Somehow he worked in Ed Asner's character from a Saturday Night Live skit called "Ambiguous Man" and a scene from the breakout Kevin Costner flick Fandango. His seamless introduction of such topics into our call really threw me a curveball, and when I woke up this morning I totally forgot all the relevant matters we discussed as I dreamt of Ed Asner and Kevin Costner all night.

I've decided to attack the problem of altitude in a new way, I'm going to ignore it. Instead I'm going to focus all my anger and pent up frustration towards the one human I feel stands in the way of my ultimate victory at Breck Epic... Charlie Hayes.

I did my research. Charlie has won the single speed class at the Leadville 100 three times in a row. He lives at elevation, and apparently vacations on Mt Olympus. He's handsome, fit, sponsored by the corporate aggressors of the bike world who bought the SSWC09 race with blood money (Trek/Fisher/Subaru/Bontrager/Haliburton), quite large, and apparently not afraid to cross swords with yours truly.

He is my Ivan Drago.

He is my El Guapo.

Do not fear, people of Santo Poco. I will save you from this evil man and thwart his attempts of stealing the SS win in the name of the evil doers. I know my enemy, and it is not altitude, or cross country travel, or the epic'ish course, or the rigidity of my rigid single speed... no, it is you Charlie Hayes. You will die like a dog... only in the figurative sense of course.

In the words of my biggest hero, John J Rambo:

"Charlie Hayes, I'm coming for you."

in other irrelevant news...

I've had an unprecedented amount of traffic the last two days. Upon further review I think the FBI is looking at my blog pretty closely since Fatty told the world that I'm stalking Jill Homer. Just because I have her SPOT as my home page and her image as my screensaver does not make me a sociopath. Sure, there are other things that make me a sociopath, but not those things. Please Fatty, I beg you. Retract your statement and call off the hounds. I don't want the Feds showing up here and finding the shit ton of EPO I've been hoarding in order to BEAT CHARLIE HAYES. Did I mention I want to BEAT CHARLIE HAYES??


Tomi said...

so, you googled the start list....skeered ain't chya?

dicky said...



Master tactician?


Back when I beat THE Cameron Chambers for the world's title I called Dr Ferrari and asked him if Cameron could sustain such an intense pace (just as Lance did with Pantani at Le Tour). When Dr Ferrari said "No way" I just sat back, took it easy, and snagged the easy victory.

Knowledge is power.

wf: unbletal

Anonymous said...

Haliburton!? LOL

Dave Harris said...

Charlie I'm pretty sure will enjoy this blog but it sure won't slow him down. He's the only one of concern? Best check that start list again.

Keep yer eye on the ball dicky!

Anonymous said...

According to our former dear leader it's evildoers - one word, all evil all the time.

dicky said...


I can only focus on one evildoer at a time, and since I was actually able to find a picture of Charlie on the internet that makes him my target.

Visualization is key.

wf: resentr

dicky said...

and yes, I saw that Dan Durland beat the evildoer Charlie Hayes at the Mountain States Cup Chalk Creek Stampede in May

No photo of him to pin to my wall though....

Anonymous said...

Pffff..- He's only riding a 1/2 of a 29'er...

Darth Duncan said...

I'm fairly certain that you will rape the horses and ride off on the women at the end of the race!

GenghisKhan said...

I'm not so certain Fatty didn't have a point... Good luck against Charlie, the others and the voices in your head! ;o)

Dave Harris said...

Dan was here for Camp Lynda in January - he's a stud.

Best get to that race weight!

Jeff Kerkove said...

Yeah, Charlie is a strong rider. He finished right behind me at Leadville 100 last year.

Anonymous said...

Oh...the sickness that is the desire to beat can be all consuming.
The terrible task is now at hand, do I create a dicky or a charlie voodoo doll? Perhaps it would be prudent to make one of each.


randyho said...

Before he moved to the mountains, I was one of his sea-level victims.
The scenario: Fast echelon over rolling terrain. The group is shrinking fast. As Charlie drops back, he looks over and says sternly, "go faster"
And I suddenly realize that Charlie can not fathom that he is killing most of the people left in the group. I mean, he was the only one still talking.
I'm pretty sure I puked instead.