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Thursday, August 6

Gerry Pflug eats people (and other facts)

Yesterday was the last day to register for the Fool's Gold 100, so the start list should pretty much remain unchanged. I checked it last night and noticed that Gerry "The Pflug" Pflug is now registered in the single speed class. This "man" totally dominated the single speed class at the Cohutta 100, the Lumberjack 100, and the Wilderness 101... not to mention a second place in the thin air at the Breckenridge 100. He's all but sealed up his number one spot in the NUE, yet he has decided to come to Georgia because he wants to tell the single speed world "There is no mercy in my dojo".

I started trying to gather information on Gerry to see if he had any weaknesses. I went straight to the bastion of all things truthful and facty (Facebook) and asked around. The following is what folks in the know had to say about Gerry. Some of it might just be terrible rumors, but most of it is just too incredible to not believe.

When Gerry does a hundred miler he puts a whole fried chicken in each of his drop bags.

Roger Masse tried to pass Gerry at the Wilderness 101, but Gerry looked over at him and said "Oh no you didn't". Roger dropped back sheepishly and went into the next aid station looking for a hug.

Gerry had such a significant lead at the Cohutta 100 that when he broke his chain at the 68 mile mark rather than fix it himself he went out into the woods, captured a squirrel, and trained it to fix his chain (through intimidation and reward) just to keep his hands clean.

"I wasn't going to do it, but when Gerry offered me his nuts I couldn't say no."

Some folks say Gerry is in his forties, legends has it he may be as old as 87, and Gunnar says "I remember when Gerry used to deliver my Sunday paper on his Schwinn Stingray. He was a nice young boy as I recall".

Gerry eats a giant Lebanese salami every morning for breakfast.

"Meat in a skinsleeve for breakfast! Success!!!"

Gerry came into the third aid station at the Wilderness 101 way sooner than expected. When he arrived he demanded some Pringles, but the volunteer told him they weren't there yet. Gerry grabbed the volunteer by the wrist, took a bite out of his forearm, and exclaimed "You are now my Pringles". He rode away with his mouthful of volunteer meat screaming "You'd better hurry up and get to the next aid station Pringles".

Gerry doesn't carry CO2 or a pump since he can fill a 29X2.1 tire to 39PSI with his mouth in under ten seconds.

Powerthirst
wanted to develop an energy drink using Gerry's sweat as an active ingredient. The drink, which was going to be simply named "Pflug", failed as they were never able to get Gerry to sweat. "He's just too cool to perspirate" claimed one lab technician.

Gunnar tried to congratulate Gerry on his performance at the Wilderness 101, but Gerry didn't remember "old man Shogren" from his paper route days, and sensing "stranger danger" he preceded to beat Gunnar with a giant Lebanese Salami.

Apparently he left Gunnar naked and handcuffed to a refrigerator after the beating.

Race promoters are considering changing the name of the "single speed class" to "Gerry's class" or "Gerry and the other guys who should probably look into other sports like curling or Etch-a-Sketch".

I'm scared. Is this Gerry Pflug as fierce and awesome as they say? Will it be enough that he beats me to the finish line, or if I look at him funny will he beat me a huge tube of meat? Does he have a sense of humor?

I guess we'll see...

Any of the rest of yinz heard of this Gerry guy?

14 comments:

Tomi said...

he's fast as shit, that's all you need to know.

Jason said...

Fast as shit and super nice. Yes he does has a sense of humor. At least with mid pack non threatening geared racers like myself. Now you on the other hand....

I also recently found out he once decapitated a dog on a road ride a few years ago. I cannot reveal the details of the event though.

You can read more about what he does with his Unit and Lebanese Salami at spkgoaters.blogspot.com

p.s. there was no need for Gunnar's ass at 7 a.m..

Montana said...

At a local XC race, Gerry snapped off his seat post in the first few miles. He rode through the mud for the last hour and a half of the race without a saddle, and still won.

Crazy mane.

bentcrank said...

I hope that does not mean he was just sitting on the post the whole time.....

That is a disturbing pic of Gunnar, but then again, most of them are.

Anonymous said...

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Gerry has allowed to live.

Anonymous said...

one time at a cyclocross race (that Gerri won on a SS cross bike), I was in line to watch my Elite team members bikes and he came up to me, pulled my arm behind my back and forced me to wash his bike first. Or else. So I did.

No, he is the real deal. You do know he won a national championship last year too, right?

I bought a chain ring and Spot guard from him a few years back. Earned my first CX podium using that stuff. He accidently left his Mojo all over that ring and man did it make me go fast.

wv = Gerriwillcrushdicky

mike said...

Echo Tomi's comment. He's fast. He passed me at the Breck 100 at about mile 50, after he got finished sunbathing and changing a flat for like 10 minutes halfway through the first lap.

After talking with him afterwards, I concluded that: while he may hell on wheels, he's also a dam nice guy (after the race is over). I'm sure I'll see him briefly this weekend, just before he rides out of site for the next 49.9 miles...

And yeah, could have done without the pic of Gunnar.

wv = tail one

Anonymous said...

dude, this was brilliant.

Anonymous said...

If Gerry has $5.00 and Dicky has $5.00, Gerry has more money than Dicky.

(ok, I'll stop now, LOL)

Big Bikes said...

They say he actually owns a Bonsai Kitten. They say no one actually knows what he looks like...because he makes masks from the faces of his competitors and wears them. They say he makes his own chamois cream made of ground up clam shells and glass. They say that the P and the F in his name are both silent and that if you are stupid enough to pronounce his name any other way than "Lug" he will eat your dick with hoisin sauce.

Sidenote: Word Verification "aspus". Oddly that's a condition which results from mere mortals using Gerry's homemade chamois cream.

Funniest post ever!

-t

steevo said...

you know he is a cop right? i would watch my back, he is like Jack Bauer.

Gerry and Andy said...

Rich, thanks for all the nice comments. Also, I have to thank you for finding that picture of Gunnar. I want to keep a copy of it in my wallet to prove my strength to everyone. Gunnar must have lied, though, it was actually a pepperoni stick I beat him with and not a huge Lebanese Salami. Seriously, this is some funny stuff! - Gerry

Deluxe said...

I sponsor Gerry...er...uh...well he really sponsors us and we pay him for the privilege. I also had the privilege of attending the Stoopid 50 with him, and I wish I could say more about that, but he made me sign a confidentiality agreement in my own blood. Phlebotomy is just one of his many hobbies...by the way he did a second lap at the Stoopid 50 on a skateboard.

Josh D. M said...

Gerry Pflug dropped his chain 3 times and still won today's CX race.