Friday, January 15

My ass is chapped

I'm sorry, but I have no photographic evidence to prove my claims. Rest assured though, my ass is officially chapped. I guess riding around for days on end in 14° to 35° temps with only a pair of six year old Under Armor underwear and a pair of cotton shorts between me and the cold, dry air wasn't such a good idea. Last night while taking a shower and listening to Rob Zombie trying to figure out if Dragula is in fact the best metal dance song ever I had a hard time concentrating as the hot water trickled down my backside irritating my nether regions. I guess I'll leave the decision to you.

Yesterday Matt asked "Why so many tape measures??" in regards to this image:

In this image you will see two Stanley tape measures (one metric/imperial the other solely imperial), one tape measure designed to measure one's girth, and a tethered Handy Dad all in one tape measure/flashlight/notepad that Fajita bought me for Christmas. Further down the bench and obscured from view is the 15cm ruler I used to measure my chops the other night that came out of a dissecting kit I used while attending Youngstown State University. As far as I'm concerned if a man tells you he has too many tape measures he should be punched in the face, and then someone should take his tape measures while he tends to his bloody nose as such a statement is blasphemous to everything that defines manhood. You should always have a tape measure handy, and no doubt if you have fewer than three you will always have trouble finding one when you need it. That photo was taken in one of those rare moments when all my tape measures were actually where they belonged simultaneously.

There has been an unprecedented amount of traffic here on the blog over the past few weeks. I'm not sure what's going on, but I have a feeling that people are spending way too much time indoors on the internet and not going outside. Perhaps I could do the cycling community a great service by shutting down the blog for a few weeks and force people to go outside for entertainment. I doubt that would work since there are plenty of other fine bike blogs out there... as a matter of fact according to this expert there are at least 15 blogs that are better than mine. Somehow Fatty, the second most read bike blogger in the known universe (unknown universes don't count) ended up 15th on the list right above me while Tinker Juarez (who hasn't updated his blog since December 13th and thinks humor is a bone in his upper arm) crushed Fatty and I by sliding into the 12th spot. Apparently the judge likes pictures of snow, power charts, and perhaps checking in on #4 power blogger Sonya Looney*to see if she made it to the beach again and took her camera (will she ever get an Ergon green bikini???)... who knows?

Am I bitter that I am so poorly ranked behind these fine individuals? No, I have better reasons to be unhappy. The Pie has been deeply affected by the current goings on in Haiti. The orphanage she spent two weeks at less than a year ago did not suffer any damage due to the earthquake, but as you can imagine there will be a lot more orphans overwhelming the already overwhelmed system in the coming weeks and months as things get sorted out. That place is at max capacity (think rows and rows of triple decker cribs), and the construction of a new building has been slowed because the economy has impacted the donations needed to complete it. Lots of folks are being quite charitable in the wake of the disaster, and I'm not telling you where to send your donations... well then again, maybe I am. God's Littlest Angels is doing what it can to help those who can not help themselves. They have always been taking donations ($35 dollars buys a square foot of the new building), but they have created this special page with information on Earthquake Relief. Everybody can afford something, and money is not the only thing you can donate. Here's a tidy cut and paste from the website:

We are collecting donations now and will be sending a shipping container to Haiti as soon as we can. For the orphanage, we always need powdered formula, diapers, baby wipes, baby cereal, infant tylenol, infant and childrens vitamins, and baby care items such as lotion, powder, baby shampoo. We also hope to be able to assist the surrounding community with clothing, medical supplies, household items, hygiene items such as soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, blankets and towels. We have also set up a fund for earthquake relief for our staff and surrounding community. Many of our staff will need assistance with home repair and funeral expenses.

Here is a link to a TODAY Show interview with Matt Lauer and GLA Orphanage Director Dixie Bickel:

So do me a solid and help the children who have to rely on adults to ask for help. The Pie appreciates it, I appreciate it, but most importantly the kids will appreciate it.

* Sonya is a talented athlete and a swell writer, so please don't let my terribly sexist comments take away from her prowess on the trail and in the funny papers.


Anonymous said...

Ha! I guess I meant "how many tape measures are required for one task?"

I have at least 5 myself and it always takes 10min to locate one when I need it..

On a serious note, my bro and SIL are in Port Au Prince and he says the place really is f**ked. Tons of small kids wandering around. Please support your charity of choice - they are going to need it


Blair said...

I gotta a changing table you're welcome to. I'll donate the cost to ship too if'n you got another Awesome Strap laying around. Does the orphanage need another one?

Which reminds me....
Can I convert my I9 front hub to thru-axle?

Anonymous said...

First. Any list of the best blither that doesn't include me.

And you know that.

Jason said...

You're still ahead of me, by one. DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!!! The battle for 16th is on!!! Looks like I'll have to bust out the pics of me washing my bikes wearing nothing but Daisy Dukes, some suds and a smile, as my nubile and blossoming beer gut and moobs jiggle to/fro across the top tube...


ps. If you REALLY wanted to move up in the ranking, we would all have seen pics of your chapped ham today. Poor showing.

Nerd On A Bike said... I'm really confused. According to my aged father, a man's worth was not the quantity of one's tape measures but the size of his slide rule.
I guess times have changed.

Anonymous said...

Timmy Plowed said

Dragula is easily the best metal dance song and probably gives the "regular" dance songs a run for their money! Please never mention #4 Ergon green bikini again!!