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Wednesday, June 27

SSave Our SSport

The USADA is very busy right now chasing down a cold case . Some folks aren't too thrilled that they are going after Lance and the gang, while others are standing by with their torches and pitchforks ready to storm the gates at Lance's ranch house. Waste of time and money? Only time will tell, but as they bear down on Not-So Mellow Johnny, they continue to ignore a growing problem in the sport that I used to hold in the highest regard.

"Doping" in the single speed class has been rampant for years, yet no one has said a word. It's bad enough that we've had to compete against washed-up pro riders looking to reclaim some of their former glory, but now it seems like everyone at the top of the game is on "the juice." Heart rate monitors, training on road bikes, compression socks, power meters, and even sobriety are all being employed at the highest levels of a sport that used to be the most purest and noble of all the cycling disciplines. In the early days there was an omerta of sorts. We knew it was going on, but it seemed like everybody was doing something questionable to get an edge. Now we have single speeders not only "doping" right in front of the whole world, they're even boldly posting it on popular social media sites such as facebook and twitter.

I'll admit that I haven't shown up at a race hungover in a long time... well actually since January. It seems like a long time. Anyways, the latest form of doping I've seen at the front of the SS peleton has me perplexed and disturbed. What am I talking about?

The consumption of low quality meat product encased in co-extruded polymers.

Most single speeders know that bacon is fair game when it comes to dietary enhancement, but the ingestion of sausage, bratwurst, kielbasa, chorizo, etc has gotten out of hand. According to sources that refuse to be named, 30 minutes of meat tube consumption provides as much recovery as three days at the beach with a 1980's Phoebe Cates.

As the rumors spread like wildfire, single speeders who spend most of their time as pack fodder are even reaching for the latest and greatest doping product in an attempt to break free from the anonymity of mediocrity.

This aggression will not stand, man. While meat tube consumption amongst my single speeding brethren is on the rise, I will stand against this overwhelming trend of doping all in the name of one gear glory.

Join me in my fight to once again level the playing field and give those that choose beer, bacon and hard work over the easy street of performace enhancing meat sticks a chance.

Keep single speeding clean...


I mean dirty.

8 comments:

CB2 said...

You can't prove that I'm sober! Does this sound like a sober man?!

http://bigbikesmedia.cyclingdirt.org/coverage/249467-1st-Ever-West-Hill-ShopGrafton-Ponds-Mountain-Bike-Race-Root-66-Series/video/643839-1st-SS-Charlie-Beal-Rich-Dillen-Height

joe said...

says the guy who wears compression socks, rolls on a foam roller and is sometimes sober.

Chris said...

Man, you had me. Then I had to go and look it up: Phoebe Cates will be 49 years old in a couple of weeks. Seriously. I know all you single-speeders are "of a certain age," and now you're just proving it ... even the ads in Bicycling entice us to find the "fountain of youth" ...

dicky said...

Nah, Joe.

Says the guy who gave away his compression socks, has a dusty foam roller in his living room standing between two CD tower racks, and is sometimes sober.

pv said...

Dood- meat tubes? Noting even remotely like that is allowed in the door at the moto-pad. Much less the thought of ingesting one.

ThinkAboutIt....

ssjohn said...

Pork products aren't the enemy!

These are the enemies:

Shaved legs
tailored nutrition plans
training, as opposed to "riding"
$400 bike shoes
60 calorie beer

To big weiners and dark beer!

Joker said...

I am pack fodder.....

Maggie said...

I actually did fail a drug test once due to excessive sausage consumption. I had just returned from the Czech Republic and the nitrates from the summer-long sausage fest showed up in my pee as metabolic steroid by-product.