Pages

Monday, March 25

Time to play Horny Single Speeder Says...

Last week, thanks to the blog fodder supplier known as Facebook, I became aware of this:


I read them.  I cringed.  I cried.

According to her bio information, Alison is a smart, tall, young, pro road cyclist.  Without going into too much detail about the article (you can read it yourself), I can only do my best to limit any damage this information might do to an up and coming single speeder looking to do things the single speedy way when enjoying his/her moment on the steps of glory.

I give you...

The Horny Single Speeder's Guide to Single Speed Podium Etiquette

First and most foremost, let's talk about alcohol on the podium.  Alison neglected this topic, but since she is against kids, dog, lovers, and girlfriends, one can only assume she frowns on podium pops...  mostly because it messes with rule # 12, " Think symmetry."

"Winner uses both arms. 2nd and 3rd are single armed salutes.... Besides, there really only is one winner."

She doesn't understand that in single speeding, we're all winners.

When sharing the podium with non-single speedy single speeders who have left their podium pops lying about hilly nilly, symmetry gets thrown out the window.  It is important however, to hold said beverage inside the raised arm formation when not on the top step.

Notice the podium footwear of choice amongst the single speed elite.  Alison would not approve, "Flip flops are discouraged."

If you're on top of an all single speed podium, keep your beer close to your competition's level out of respect for their shared single speediness.

But feel free to hold it over everyone's heads if you are the only single speeder present on a mixed podium.

Notice the shame on Luke's daughter's face.  Her dad used to be a single speeder.

If first and second place are awarded beer and your third place position earns you none beers, fuck-all to the arms raised salute. Now would be a great time to make friends.

For really important podiums, like the NUE overall, they skip beer and break out the fancy stuff.  If the winner gets champagne, always bring an empty cup with you.

Dan Jansen, not being a very big drinker, did the very unsinglespeedy "Alison approved" thing and sprayed his victory champagne as opposed to chugging it.  Matt Ferrari and I, cups in hand, did not approve.

Alison says, "When raising your arms beware of the dreaded stomach/bib ratio...  No bellybuttons."

That does not apply to single speeders.  You've earned the limelight.  Go as bare as you dare.

 Seriously.  The girl who keeps her top on never wins the wet t-shirt contest.  Skin to win.

As long as you keep your bottom half covered, you're not violating any local laws regarding podium displays of nudity.

Alison suggests, "Kits are a requirement."  Sometimes she's right.  Even single speeders have contractual obligations to fulfill which can be somewhat cramping to one's style.   When you have to yank the corporate pork sword, I say do it with as much flair as possible.

Remember, you may not win the race, but you can always win the podium.

Alison states, "The podium is only three places. Gold. Silver. Bronze...Aim for those."

Of course many proper single speed podiums go "Dicky Deep" in order to include deserving single speed illuminati and elders.

Chris Scott, Shenandoah Mountain 100 promoter, always happy to go Dicky Deep.

Another piece of non-applicable Alison wisdom?  "You are allowed to bring your child... on the podium only if it was the stage WIN."

As long as your baby does not upstage the oversized novelty check presented to the winner, feel free to drag your Pasty White Bearded Hill People spawn with you to the single speed podium.

Let them have a good look at the flat lander that crushed daddy.

Alison says, "We don't hold hands."

This does apply to single speeders as well, being that we probably had our hands down our pants some time within the past hour before getting on the podium.  While holding hands is discouraged across the board, there are no rules of decorum against scooping up your fellow podium residents and swaddling them if they are smaller than a toddler.

Canadians single speeders get to do whatever they want.  There are just no rules for those people up there other than the requirement to sit in line at the Tim Horton's drive-thru for their government mandated daily cup of shitty coffee.

Fair warning, if you race single speeds in Canada.  The winner gets to use his fellow podium occupiers as marionettes.

I've always said, "I'd rather be a marionette than a finger puppet any day."

Alison does not believe that the podium is a place for antics of any sort.

"...don’t be a ham on the stage.  I know you want to relish your moment, but that’s all it is.  A moment."

It's only "a moment" if that's all you let it be.  Give a single speeder access to an audience, and we'll show you why all the women fawn over us at the after parties.

Moments are for losers.  Coffee is for closers.  Charlie's Angels are forever.
 
So there you have it.  These are not set in stone rules, but guidelines in case you're new to the single speed game and happen to be on the podium at some point in the future.  Keep in mind that they are very open to interpretation, can change at any given moment, and can only be made more awesome...

but only with your help.

So please, this year as you make your way to the podium, be thinking, "How can I make this world a better place and not just have some shitastic "moment" that will be forgotten forever the second it drops off someone's Facebook news feed?"

Do it...

for the children.

9 comments:

Moe said...

Good shit Dicky! I really needed a laugh today.

The Los said...

So many things to keep in mind... good thing I'm as likely to end up on the podium as I am the White House!

Rob said...

Thank goodness I'll never need to worry about podium etiquette.

Anonymous said...

Rob, just sign up for a race with only 2 other single speeders. Winning!

Anonymous said...

Winner.

Lynda Wallenfels said...

Best post evar

80 said...

Excellent article!

But, the spraying of champagne was first done by Dan Gurney after winning LeMans in 1967 with A.J. Foyt.

Gurney is a bad-ass and therefore, spraying the champagne bottle is always a bad-ass move.

Joker said...

Bullshit!!! Tim Hortons coffee is f**king great!

Alison Tetrick said...

This is too funny, and a perfect example of why I will never be able to be a single speeder. My organizing, symmetrical ways would not allow it. However,I always support the consumption of alcohol, yet we all know what's being sprayed on the podium isn't the good stuff. The good stuff is at the after party (or maybe roadies just have a recovery shake and go home and eat oatmeal while wearing compression socks). Wet tshirt contest? What better way to get that started then with spraying some good ol'bubbles... I support spraying and drinking. Thanks for the reply, and after wanted to edit every single podium example given by said "single speeders", I can't look anymore...it's killing me!