Santa Suit

I'm getting slower.

I can do something about that.  Lose weight.  Train.  Eat things that taste less good than Peanut M&M's.

I can also do something else, like "buy speed."

This Specialized Evade GC skinsuit is (only) $500.  For that kind of money, how can it not make me go faster?  Also, it is available in my favorite colorway, none.  It does have sleeves tho, and I'm not sure I can take a pair of scissors to a $500 item of clothing.

Mebbe I'm better off spending that money on hiring a person to follow me around on weekends and smack food and beverages out of my hands.  I mean, let's face it.  I'm not going to be able to pull off the skinsuit look without a some self-control (imposed by others).

BTW: Why is it so hard to find a skinsuit (with pockets) that is not absolutely hideous.  It's like trying to find a noodle bar bike that fills all my needs.

What needs?

Must have room (and routing... or at least piggybackable routing) for a drooper.  Not a 27.2 drooper tho, and at least 100mm of droop but molar = betterer.

It has to be 1X11 (or 12... whatev).  The left shifter HAS to activate the drooper.  Does this mean I have to use SRAM (as I've seen it done), or can I gut a Shimano?  Expensive experiment.

I looked at Alfine but can't wrap my head around it.  How do I get matchy-matchy levers, and the left one needs to have guts that I can remove too?

It will have to have sliding dropouts, so when I get sick of the 11 part of the 1X11, I can pitch them.

It would have to fit... and I really have no idea what size noodle bar bike I would ride... and how do I get a fit on a bike that doesn't exist?

Disc brakes.  Because... beep boop beep.  Future.  It's the only thing that makes sense.

I don't think I want a bunch of gaudy rack mounts on it.  Or fenders.

Preferably a threaded bottom bracket.  Because... beep boop beep.  Future.

I see that Carver offers a Ti Gravel Grinder and a Ti All-Road.  They are pretty darn close to fitting the bill, but each one gives me one or two reasons to scrunch up my forehead.  That and with two options, I'd have to choose the best one suited to me, and since I don't have much of a clue about such things, who knows which would better suit me.

Not to mention, it's still a big leap of faith without a test ride.  Sourcing all these parts, hacking a front shifter, investing in a good wheelset and drooper post.

I'm paralyzed with indecision.

Which brings me back to the skinsuit.  It's cheaper and has fewer options other than size and black VS something that's not black, so who cares?  I should mention that owning said Specialized skinsuit would grant me just enough self-righteousness to look down my nose at people who only spent $340 on a Rapha Aerosuit.

I'll just put the skinsuit in my letter to Santa and see how that works out.  Will he still be delivering to the U.S. this year or is that more of a change for 2017?