Monday, March 3

The Official Unofficial Guide to 2014 NAHBS Charlotte

Getting quickly to the point, I believe the information regarding what to see, do and eat in Charlotte during NAHBS is quite lacking on the official site.  Only six restaurants listed (one of which being a high dollar steak house type place with no prices on the menu... pretty sure they serve shark), five "THINGS TO SEE" that are all motor sport related (Wooooooooo Earnhardt!), and only seven places listed under "NIGHT LIFE" (three of which I've actually been inside).

I decided I would add my two cents, which is actually more like one cent since I really stopped doing anything entertaining in the uptown over a decade ago.  A 44 year old messenger in a city with only four messengers... let's just say the hey day of the messenger scene has come and gone.  Some of my information will be dated, some current, little of it actually relevant.  Enjoy.

Team Dicky's Official Unofficial Guide to Making Great Happy Fun Times at NAHBS 2014 Charlotte

Best transportation to see the town if you don't have a car or bike: Charlotte has a sweet light rail line called LYNX that goes right through the Convention Center.  All kinds of cool places to go along the line, super cheap, and runs till just after midnight... and then you're on your own.

Best place to call if you can't leave the convention center but start feeling hungry:  Good Runnings will bring you food stuffs from many local eateries and whatnot, and they'll bring it to you on a (non-handmade) bike.

Best place to drink local brew: Triple C Brewery.  Why there?  You can get there by light rail (New Bern stop), it's open till 9:00 so you'll be out in plenty of time to enjoy something else later, and they serve Baby Maker... I love Baby Maker.

Best place to drink free beer:  Here, of course:

The Spoke Easy Afterparty, Saturday night.  Beer, gold sprints, beer, food, beer... also accessible by light rail... just don't forget the whole "turn into a pumpkin" thing around midnight.  A very easy ride from uptown.  It takes me twelve minutes when I get off work from the dead center of town.  Good times will be had, memories will be erased.

Best place to drink cheap beer:  Common Market Southend.  Upsides?  You can walk or take the light rail there, you can walk in, buy a six pack at six pack prices and drink it there, and they have a nice patio.  Downsides?  It's pretty much a hipster scene, expect to get mustache wax on you, and due to it's popularity, it might (will) get crowded.

Best place to eat greasy pizza and wings:  Fuel Pizza is just a block away from the Convention Center.  Pizza snobs will scoff at the idea of eating there, but I assure you that the slices are big and greasy which are the top two traits I look for in a pizza.  And the wings?  Soooo greasy.  We're talking hot, bubbling sauce dripping down to your elbows greasy.  So close to the show, this is the best spot for a lazy person to get a slice and a decent beer.
Best place to see naked (female) breasts:  Uptown Cabaret.  Jager Bomb and Mich Ultra specials... this place is all class and just a few blocks away.  I've only been there twice (only once while at work) and I can assure you that the women are topless and that the beef tips are chewy.  Be mindful that they do have a dress code (no shorts?), so pack your church clothes.

Best place to see naked (male) man parts: Chasers is just a few miles away, and although I've never been there, I can assume it's what most women want to see.  According to the schedule for NAHBS weekend, Gary is performing on the main stage Saturday night.

Best thing to do that costs nothing:  It's Saint Patrick's Day weekend, and like any proper city, we give our citizens a reason to get drunk during the day.  We have a parade (The Pie and Nia will be in it with the Charlotte Humane Society), dancing, bagpipes, drinking...

Speaking of drinking on Saint Patty's day...

Best place to pretend you're Irish and maybe get throat punched:  Rí Rá Irish Pub... it Irish'esque themed.  I guess every city needs an "Irish pub."  There's some historical content... the bar has been in Charlotte since 1997, but "the bar" was built back in the 1800's.

Anyways, I'm part Irish and don't really need a holiday or a "reason" to drink.  Hallmark and the Chinese manufacturers of plastic and paper shit are the only ones really getting anything out of the perpetuation of holidays.

Best place to feel like a local drinker: Plaza Midwood.  A retirement community for retired 20-30 year old hipsters, there's tons of neighborhood bars to walk about, greasy places to eat, yet another Common Market, and some woods to sleep in if you can't get a ride back to your hotel.

Best place to go if you got bored in Plaza Midwood: NoDa.  There are a few breweries, plenty of bars, a music scene, beard watching... a little further out of town but just as many woods and railroad tracks to sleep in/near if you lose your ride.

Best place to drink (fifteen years ago) that you can't get lost going to:  Dixie's Tavern.  They use to have $1 beers.  No longer.  Easy to find (just walk north on the light rail path that goes right through the convention center till it ends).  Beer, New Orleans type food, crowds.... UPDATED.  Nick "Dip n Spray told me it's been closed for some time.  Confirmed.  Whatever.  Just one more reason to get that time travel machine finished.

Best out of the way place that serves great Viking food:  Valhalla Pub.  Frank Drebin approved.  What else is there to say?

Best heated place to put your feet up and take a nap with your sunglasses on:  The Charlotte Mecklenburg Library: Main Branch.

Best place to see Ric Flair:  His attorneys are just across from the Westin (Official hotel of the 2014 NAHBS), and since Ric has a flair for getting into legal troubles, there's a chance he might make an appearance on any given day.

Best (and most convenient) place to get in a trail ride: The Backyard Trails.  Plenty of jumps, technical trail features, options, and whatnot just a few miles from uptown Charlotte.  It's night ride friendly, a great place to get your show bike dirty so it can look "authentic," and where I might ride Sunday (assuming someone wants a tour and I'm not too hungover from the party).  Come see where the Oscar (not) Award winning film Zac and Dicky Make a Promo was filmed and meet the cast and crew!

Best place to hang out with Jersey Shore type guys who use hair products:  The Epicentre.  I've ridden past it in the evening.  Seems like a place where I would be able to feel massive amounts of hate.  I tried to go into Strike City (a bowling alley in the Epicentre)) with The Pie one night.  They told me to remove my hat.  I explained it was a cap and indeed not a hat.  They didn't flinch.  We left.  A bowling alley in America where you can't wear a hat/cap.  Dumb.

Best place to hear free classical music: The Transportation Center.... the main bus terminal.  The authorities play it in the hopes that it will soothe the citizens waiting for their buses and reduce violent activity.  I dunno... Brahms always makes me wanna kick something.

Best place to get back at Obama:  The Federal Courthouse.  At the front of the building, there's a place where I remember a homeless person (or just a digestively challenged constituent) blew ass all over the wall behind a column.  Get Obama right in the feels.  Shit on his building.

Best get outta jail for (not) free service:  Whitaker Bail Bonds specializes in getting you or your loved ones out of custody.  Keep this number handy if you are planning on hanging out with Watts.

There you have it.  I can't think of anything else you might need to know, nor do I want to spend anymore time thinking about it.  


Anonymous said...

For you pizza connoisseurs here is an SAT like analogy .

PBR is to Fule Pizza is to Trek bicycles

(a few rungs above complete shit, accessible & definitely gets the job done)


Tripple C Baby Marker is to Pure Pizza is to umm well, lets say Ahearne Cycles.

Down side, don't bother after 7pm

Jeff said...

He really blew mud on the courthouse? That made me laugh out loud!