Monday, May 3

Let's get at 'er

Signed up for the Trans-Sylvania Epic this weekend... because... you know?  Why not?

Despite being in probably the best shape ever before the event (albeit a slightly curvy one), I expect to finish off the podium.  There are other riders that are in the mix that can defeat me with one leg tied around their scrotum... or their scrotum tied around their one leg... dunno, I've never done body tying before. 

What do we know?

We know this.

Gordong Wadsworthless will be there.

Seen here delivering a finishing-move haymaker to the clouds on his way to defeating bad weather by TKO in the first round.

He's won all sorts of dumb bike races and can frequently be seen on a dumb geared bike... which means he is not dumb like the rest of us.  His mustache is non-ironic, and he trains like bike cycle racing pays the bills.  He's also only been in close proximity to a beer once in his life.

Perrier is the gateway drug to Coors.

Then there's Dahn Pahrs.

Once thought to be just a fictional character in Montucky Miller's Dirt Rag articles (R.I.P.), he's been turned into a real live boy just like Pinocchio but with a Pittsburghian accent.  Known for his ability to crush margaritas at night and fellow single speeders the next morning, his fight to keep cargo-shorted Ohio racers off the top step of the podium is an exhausting endeavor.

Speaking of Ohio single speeders...

We have Eli Orth AKA Captain Ohio.

The cycling industry refuses to acknowledge that someone with his physique would stop flipping tractor tires long enough to ride a bike, so there is no jersey that fits him properly.  Thus the reason he has a fresh coat of sponsor appropriate body paint applied monthly.  Rumor has it he's able to stay so lean because it's impossible to gain an ounce of body fat eating Cincinnati's watery chili.

His cargo shorts are almost forgivable, being that he needs some place to store those hammers he's dropping all day long.

Then there's fellow Ohio SS'er, Joe Worboy.

I'm trying to get over the fact that phonetically pronounced, he's got one of the best single speeder names out there.  Scrolling through his FaceBook photos, I see that he's not a stranger to podiums.

Here he is standing high above Eli Orth at the Snake Creek Gap TT, Eli wanting it known that had he not run out of nutrition and resorted to eating his rear wheel, he obvs woulda won (shoulda skipped the Cincinnati chili breakfast).

Also in the picture above is another Ohio single speeder, Kenny Kocarek wearing the SS appropriate podium uniform; too-short jorts, flip flops, and podium beer... but I don't know about those bent-bill trucker hats.  You can take the boys outta Ohio, but...

Kenny's one of those riders who I think I'll be able to beat forever (like Watts), but then they get stronger and do bigger and stupider things and get faster and I keep doing the same things assuming I'm not getting older and the freshmen aren't staying the same age and the next thing you know I'm watching them ride away.  Damn it, Kenny.

The other single speeders will have to forgive me for being terrible with names or not knowing who they are... except for Scott Rath.

I member him from previous TSE(s?).  When I looked to see how we stacked up against each other in 2019 (the last year the race was held), I was reminded that I raced in the 50+ category to a forgettable fourth place, although I was on a performance unenhancing rigid single speed.  That doesn't mean I didn't compare myself to the SS class on the daily... but I do the same thing now with the 50+ class when I race SS... because I like to make my head hurt with missed opportunities.

This will be the tenth running of the TSE.  There was a break in 2018 when the event was "between promoters," and obviously there was the 2020 COVID year.  I've been to every single one of them, and it's the only stage race I've ever officially had to quit due to injury when I fractured one of my buttholes in 2015 and spent the rest of the week entertaining myself.

Also, that was about the same time when I discovered that my Lasik surgery had failed, and I was blind as a bat again, and I also also think that was the last year that I actually won a stage of the TSE.

Ah, memberries. 

Here's to another year of making them.

Pitter patter.


FourMat said...

You're just trolling the natives with the watery chili comment. You've been added to "the list".

Peter said...

I think he just put everybody on notice that he plans to be the one delivering the mail.