Why Warts Dixon and I should be feared at the PMBAR '22

Fear.  Feel it coursing through your veins.  It's palpable.  Feel free.  Take a moment.  Palp it.

You know you want to.

I'll wait.

Ok.  

That was long enough.  If I can't watch you palp, what's the point of me waiting longer than I already have?

There are so many reasons why the semi-formidable and entirely self-destructive duo known as Revolting Easy (I guess, name in progress?) should be terrifying everyone at this year's Pisgah Mountain Bike Adventure Race.

1. We're due... right?  I mean, I myself haven't won the single speed class since 2014, and together, Watts and I have never been off the single speed podium, and we even eked out a fourth overall last year.  We're like the Cleveland (former) Indians, except we probably woulda realized how wrong the "Indians" mascot/name was a long time ago.  We're sooooo fucking due... although a few more years of near misses and Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger will play us in the motion picture (we called them "talkies" in my day), 'Major Fuckups.'

Watts will be played by Tom, as he is more hirsute than I and has a greater chance of ending up with someone as classy as Rene Russo.  Charlie will play me since I also lost touch with reality in my mid-40s, and the happiest I've ever been was when I was a garbage man.  I smell Oscars.

Take a moment.  Smell it.

2. We could potentially ruin your day.  Perhaps you think we know where we're going (Watts definitely doesn't) or what we're doing (I definitely don't), and you decide to go along and try to follow us*.  Laughable.  This will be my eighteenth PMBAR and my eighteenth opportunity to make all new mistakes or perhaps revisit some of the classic ones.  If you end up in our company, at some point you'll hear me singing The Final Countdown.  Watts will be just out of my earshot using every swear word he knows and coming up with his own original, internal, profane colloquialism... except his internal dialogue always spews out of his mouth.  He'll be talking about that scarring life experience from when he was eight years old and saw a masturbating clown (not as part of his performance).  Or you could just wait until I hit the tenth hour of the day and watch me disintegrate into the ether.

Do you like watching pet euthanasia or when a sea lion gets eaten by a killer whale on the Discovery Channel?  Then in that case, you should definitely follow us for a show.

3. Speaking of "try to follow us*," I dare you.  I haven't done a PMBAR with any sort of suspension since 2004 (and 2014... dammit), and I don't know if Watts even knows what "suspension" is and/or what it does.  Read any of his suspension bike reviews on Bike Tumor, and they usually say something like "the bike had too many confusing parts and not enough canvas bags hanging from the handlebars but I guess it was fine.  Just fine."  The thing Watts and I do have going for us is a deep-seated self-loathing and an unsettling desire to hurt ourselves.  We will climb fast... at least for the first four or so hours.  That said, we will go down the mountain slowly.  Like sloth with a bad limp slow.  Like watching paint dry after taking a Delta 8 slow.  Like House Select Committee to Investigate the January 6th Attack slow.  Seriously.  We're terrible.  Even if you can stay with us on the climbs, you're going to be waiting for us at the bottom of every descent.  That seems like a terrible idea.  We.  Are.  That.  Bad.

4. We tend to bring others down to some point that's so low that it lies just below the earth's mantle.  Watts and I live here, nay, we thrive here.  Just being around us the evening before the race, and somehow the beers will appear before you.  You'll want to say "no," but realistically you know life isn't going to be this good again for more than twenty four hours.  You'll see Watts and I laughing and cajoling and think, "this is the best night of my life," but we know that this is the best night of our today, and since we're only guaranteed the now, we always tend to choose to roll the dice on tomorrow.

"Snake eyes are good, right, Rich?"

"Yeth, Watts.  Now let's wake up hangover and eat nothing but gummy bears washed down with a couple bottles of creek water for the next twelve hours and see how that goes."

This will be our sixth PMBAR together, and six is my luck number, but I think Watts's favorite number is nine, so I don't know what to make of that.

See you on the other side next week.