Thursday, September 3

Conspiracy Theory

As the anticipation builds for this weekend's 11th running of the Shenandoah 100 a sold out field of riders recently received yet another exciting pre-race communique from race promoter Chris Scott. Most of the SM 100 Race Brief email is pretty standard... no dogs off leash, no litter on the trail, tell your friends not to drive all over the woods trying to hand you water bottles and take pictures of you, and a lot of other stuff you would kinda hope people would have to common sense to do without being told, but evidently still must hear from a higher authority in order to keep from doing something stupid. The most exciting part of the email is the part where Chris tries to build a little hype for the pre-race favorites. Every year I've looked forward to getting this email I've always wondered if perhaps I might get a small mention.

In my first Shenandoah attempt back in 2006 there was no mention of me at all. Even though I was headed into the race in third overall in the NUE Series I was persona non grata to the C. Scott megalopromotion company. I showed up on a silly fixed gear and won the non-official fixed gear class by terrorizing myself on the downhills trying to keep up with Tomi and his much more experienced cohorts.

In 2007, although I was an NUE Series podium alumni, I doubted I would make the all important SM 100 Race Brief email. I still hadn't had a stellar finish in either of Chris's races (I floundered at the Wilderness 101 with two flats and one tube), so I was not surprised when I was not mentioned as a pre-race favorite. I finished second to Captain Morgan, so it looked like 2008 was gonna be my year.

So a few days before the 2008 race I got the email from Chris. What do you know? I'm the only one coming back from last year's top three and still no mention? Something's fishy up there in Stokesville I tell you. I ended up finishing last year's race in third, just eight playful seconds behind Chris McGill, but surely solidify my chances to get into the 2009 SM 100 Race Brief.

So yesterday the SM 100 Race Brief email showed up in my inbox. I scanned past all the rules for dummies who need rules and got to the most exciting part of the whole email, the pre-race favorite break down.

Let's see..... Nothing new here... I covered The Pflug's unwillingness to meet me on an even battle ground yesterday

Gerry Pflug is gonna slap some gears on his bike and see what damage he can...

Nothing new here... I covered The Pflug's unwillingness to meet me on an even battle ground yesterday. Who does Chris think he is calling The Pflug by his "other name", the name which we do not speak?

Eatough won't be defending his victory from last year...

Eatough? Who's that? Oh yeah, that guy who got way too much face time in that movie that was supposed to be all about my SUCCESSFUL bid to be the 2006 24 Hour Solo Single Speed World Champ. Camera hog.

Bishop will be back

Bishop's back on the bike? I heard that after his big wreck at the Intermontane Challenge he had his spine removed and it is now stored in a display case at the Cannondale Headquarters to keep it protected from future harm. Now that JB has no spine it should be much easier for him to keep his sponsors happy.

"When I drink my Mona Vie I like to wash it down with another glass of Mona Vie, preferably while I'm sitting in a tub full of Mona Vie. Nothing helps me recover from a tough race like being immersed inside and out with Mona Vie. Oh yeah.... Mona Vie."

Let's see... who else

Is Schalk going to.... Will Chris Beck be...Sam Korber is gonna...Christian Tanguy...

Anybody ever heard of these guys? None of them have blogs, so I've never heard of them. Isn't Sam Korber Trish's baby's daddy, or is that Sam Koerber? Will Sam Korber be going head to head with Sam Koerber this weekend? Anyone?

Buschi gonna represent... Andy Kinley, Bob Anderson or Christian Quinn... Was Fawley's Tour d Burg performance a fluke... (yes it was) Is Dirty D just racing to get in base miles... Will Blair Saunders or Garth Prosser be able...

Seriously, is he gonna go down through the entire Men's Open field? I lost track of how many riders are getting props in the in 2009 SM 100 Race Brief. I did finish just three very playful seconds behing young Fawley last year, so certainly I'll get some mention when he gets to the single speed class since Fawley made the cut.

Is Cheryl Sornson gonna.... Will Besty Shogren and Sue Haywood be sprinting for...

Girls? There are girls at the Shenandoah? Next thing you know we're gonna let them vote and have jobs with equal pay. Where will this madness end? At least the female "racers" only got two sentences and three riders worthy of mention.

What roadies are going to make a showing besides Ryan McKinney.

Even random roadies are getting a call out before the single speeders. Calm down, calm down... I'm sure he's just saving his best for last.

Here we go...

The one geared Gunnar....

Yes, he did win last year. I'll give Old Man Shogren his due.

and McGill

Second place last year, so logically the next person up for honorable mention after Chris would be that guy who was just eight seconds behind Chris last year. right?

Ramponi or McMillar gonna sneak in on a podium step?

Ouch. Tomi has been riding really strong this year, but last year Ramponi and Mc Millar came in 18th and 8th respectively. No matter what, it just cuts deep. By the way, that last "complete" sentence that completely covered the single speed field read as follows:

The one geared Gunnar and McGill Ramponi or McMillar gonna sneak in on a podium step?

We didn't even get a complete sentence. Just some random jumble of words that fell outta Chris's head as if he were writing under water and he could no longer hold his breath so he hastily jotted down some words so he could rise to the surface for a quick breath before going back to the mundane "rules" again.

I titled this post "Conspiracy Theory", and by now you might be wondering what the hell I was talking about. Obviously Chris must be in cahoots with in their blatant attempt to keep me in some sort of cycling media blackout. This brand of McCarthy era style journalism will not stand. I'm gonna find out who's behind this black listing and expose this agenda backed faux journalism for what it really is, a conspiracy to push me outta the world of unprofessional cycling forever.

I mean c'mon. According to Associated Content (the leading expert on... unnhhh... content) I've got one of the "Top Bike Blogs" on the web (still behind the snob though). You can't keep this from the world forever you right wing fascist dog haters.

Just an FYI Chris, I'm bringing my attorney's with me to Stokesville this weekend. I know they can't stay and camp Saturday night (that would be breaking the "rules"), but I assure you they are very thorough, and you're going to be knee deep in litigation by day's end.

Legal Fjear.


Tomi said...

qwik! somebody call the WAHHHHmbulance.

dicky said...

I would expect such contempt from a super star like you.

Always looking down on the little people.

Anonymous said...

How about a whamburger and some french cries? Give 'em hell, that way he has to mention you for the next one.

Anonymous said...

We'll just call you Rodney.


springer said...


Riding with dogs said...

your a funny MF'er, keep it up

Anonymous said...

I hear Gunanr is ready to rip the legs off the rest of the field . . . .

Wolverines said...

Maybe if you win they'll play the Danish national anthem for you as well.

Anonymous said...

Hey Napoleon, get over it. Quit finishing 8 seconds behind and maybe, just maybe you'll get a mention.
j/k go kick some azz! good luck.

Mike said...

It's harder to ignore you when you're standing at the top of the podium. Go get 'em!

Anonymous said...

All you need is some squish and to stop saying Meh. Then you'll win.

Squishy seat post, squishy cyclocross headset and stem and a squishy fork.

That advice will cost you $1.55.

Joe Nuss said...

Hey... I lost your e-mail. Drop me a line ASAP. I scored something for you and need your address.

the original big ring said...

WTF? No mention of me!?!? I'm not going of course, but still the mental threat alone would keep most up at night worrying how they are going to cover my attacks. Pffffttt.

Anonymous said...

oh crap, this isn't Pflug's blog???!!!