Friday, December 4

Run Club Part Duh, and How you too can blame Garth Prosser for all your problems

The last couple of topics I brought up on Monday that came up over the Thanksgiving hiatus will be addressed today. Since I'm giving you a two'fer each topic will get a Reader's Digest treatment as opposed to a full blown expose' length explanation.

I decided right before the holidays to give Run Club another try after a one year break from the stupidity of running. While back in 2008 Run Club was a group affair with an organized run over Crowder's Mountain and King's Pinnacle to bring it to a close this year I'm not bothering anybody else with my plans (or lack thereof). Things just lined up in a manner that made it possible to run this winter in a much more tolerable manner than I did two years ago.

Back in 2008 I was getting up between 5:00am and 5:30 am and heading out for a 2-4 mile run before I'd get ready for work. It sucked. Running in the dark with the temps between 15-35 degrees sucked an absolute capital amount of ass. My joints protested the cold weather and my eyes failed to see the subtle variances in the running surface causing me to trip over debris and turn my ankle on uneven concrete and pavement. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

This year I have a new plan. Since I'm a member at the YMCA (Not just to see a lot of guys walking around naked... btw: What's up with that? Why not wrap a towel around you on the way to the shower? I'm gonna trip over a bench or something if I have to keep walking around looking at the ceiling.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, I'm a member of the YMCA because The Pie bought a family membership. I don't normally use my membership, but I came up with a solid plan. For $5 a month I can leave a pair of running shoes at the Uptown YMCA. All I have to do is leave for work a little early and get to the Y before 8:00am and run until I get my first call. This can be 15 minutes or an hour, so for right now I'm limiting myself to two miles, and I'll slowly be increasing my running time so I don't kill myself right outta the gate like I did two years ago.

It's sorta nice running indoors on a cushy surfaced track high above the people doing more stationary type exercises. I got in two miles on Monday and two more on Tuesday. Like an idiot I tried to run a 6:00 minute mile for my last mile on Tuesday. Not only did I come up 30 seconds short I killed my legs, and I had to take Wednesday and Thursday off. That sucks, as those are the backwards days on the track, and I was looking forward to the change in scenery.

Viva Run Club.

I blame Garth Prosser for all my problems, and you can do it too. It's easier than you think. The other day I tripped over the ottoman one too many times, and I exclaimed "Damn you Garth Prosser for inventing the ottoman!" I'm not sure if he truly invented the ottoman, but I can't say for sure that he didn't either. When I got a paper cut at work while sifting through my messenger bag in an elevator last week I asked my fellow elevator passengers "Don't you hate that Garth Prosser made paper so thin that it can cut your fingers?" Now I imagine someone in uptown Charlotte will be sitting in their cubicle filing their TPS reports and when they cut their finger on a dastardly piece of paper they'll exclaim "F*&king Garth Prosser!!!" Last night when Fajita asked me why she had to eat her vegetables I just told her "Because Garth Prosser says you have to." Now instead of being angry at me her hatred is directed in Garth's direction, and now meal times are much more pleasant.

I have post 9-11 GW to thank for my new "Blame everything on Garth Prosser" plan. He was the man who embodied the "It's not important who you blame for your problems as long as you blame someone" spirit. Thank you George for at least doing one thing right in your eight years in office. You have made it acceptable to place random blame and use scatter gun tactics in a hilly nilly and vengeful manner to find a scape goat.

Don't like today's post? Wanna defend GW's policies? Send your complaints to It's his fault anyways.


Joshua Stamper said...

Garth Prosser invented the internet!

zencycle said...

Long ago bill cosby said we should call his friend Rudy.

"Rudy Damn you!!"

Big Bikes said...

I was watching Glenn Beck the other night (like I do). He was saying that the leaking of the climate change related emails was "THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN AMERICAN HISTORY!!!" Then he qualified it, "that is of course, next to ANYTHING Garth Prosser does, and I mean anything. Did I mention that Garth Prosser is a Socialist?"

TheMutt said...

...sucked an absolute capital amount of ass.

Nice! I laughed for a good solid 5 minutes at that one. I would venture to guess that it's all Garth Prosser's fault.

Nerd On A Bike said...

Our version of the YMCA also came complete with a tribe of nude men doing 'laps' in the giant mens locker room. Usually they were in their 60's and besides their airy jogs on slippery tile, their pysique indicated they did not 'exercise' outside that locker room.

And in a twist of fate that could only be imagined in a Dead Kennedy's song, it was bulldozed in the late '90s and the space converted to a giant church office building. Now the same men do laps but while wearing ties and that Michael Bolton lost look on their faces.

Anonymous said...

The guys at the Y are naked because Garth Prosser stole all the towels. Eventually, they’ll band together and create new towels from their massive back hair. Quit looking at their bums, you cheeky monkey.

WV: saccin (seems pretty appropriate)

cornfed said...

Dammit! Garth Prosser just ruined our transmission in the truck stranding H. on the wrong side of the mountain!! PROSSER!!!!!! (wrath of Kahn style)

wv: bligoly

Emily said...

Don't know if its a good idea to be feeding Garth's ego this way, especially on top of him currently male-modeling for Cannondale.
But I see your point... and I definitely blame Garth for when I got lost at Mohican 100.