Thou shalt want what ere I want

Yesterday after meeting my expected parental expectations I made it out for a road ride with Jerry. Before the ride I had to trim my rear brake housing since it displeatheth Jerry so...


Trimming down commenced and once finalized I joined him for a two hour ride before coming home and eating cookies for an equal amount of time.

When I got home I found that I had bigger and smellier fish to fry. Peter sent me an email and let me in on some bad news. His new biography had come out earlier this week, and not only had it gotten terrible reviews from the children's book critics the early sales have fallen flat as well.

In order to make up for all the money he sunk into self publishing his epic tale of bike romance (illustrated by Omar Treyes) he needs to sell a lot of shit this weekend. He asked for my help, so I offered to lend my celebrity power to the cause. The end result is this:

Yes, by going over to the Misfit Psyclestore now (through midnight Monday) you can buy anything you want for 16.66% off.

Anything.

Just by typing DICKTACULAR in the coupon box when you check out.

I asked Mike Piazza to help me figure out just how much you could save with this new exciting discount. He wasn't much help as all he wanted to do was show me how to write "BOOBIES" upside down.

So let's go on without his assistance.

Not feeling too saucey right now? Sales of your own biography not going so well? Perhaps you want to save 16.66% on a set of Official Misfit Psycles Team Coasters?

These only retail for $3.00, so your savings would only be @ 50¢, but that's more than the amount you woulda saved without the coupon code which woulda been nothing. Success!!

One might assume that last September's trip to Canada might have been an attempt by Peter to coerce me to ride for Misfit Psycles in 2011. Think college athletic recruiting without the strippers, fast cars, money, drugs, the possibility of an education... okay, maybe with the strippers. You may be right. Perhaps I will be riding for Peter next year...

2011 Misfit Team rider (or not) Rich Dillen (or not) looking resplendent in a Darth Misfit t-shirt that retails for $18.95, but you can have it for @ $15.80.

Now what if I was actually going to be riding a Misfit next year? This would be your chance to pick up some Misfit walker wear before the other kids on your block, so you can be all like "I was sooo Misfit before the illustrious Team Dicky was even officially on board. Booyah!"

I cannot verify nor deny any rumors that I may in fact (or not) be riding for Misfit next year. I can say that I would look very good in a Misfit Simple hoodie that retails for $38.80 (but you could have it for $32.34). How good? Something like this:

My apologies for the poor photoshop job. My computer doesn't speak Canadian png.

Of course I would not pay retail for it either. I would expect to get fifteen of these sweet hoodies for free as part of my contract (that has neither been signed or even drawn up yet, assuming I would be riding for Misfit Psycles which I may or may not).

Now, if you really wanna be a Team Dicky fan boi you'll probably wanna pick up a Meat Dicky limited edition poster.


Normally you'd pay $20 for something this nice (and limited) to hang on your wall, but for the next 4 days you can get one for $16.67. Get one, bring it to an event where you know I might be, ask me to sign it, and my people will push you back into the crowd. Peasant.

Now if one was really smart they would use this discount for their greater good. Sure you could pick up a stem, a cog, a set of hubs, or even a goofy shaped handlebar....

I swear people actually use those things to steer their bicycles.

No, why not go high dollar and get the most for your DICKTACULAR dollar? Why not get a nice single speed frame? Maybe even the most expensive one Peter sells, like the 17" diSSent FE made in Canada by Hugh Black with Paragon sliders (460 pictures here). They normally fetch (not felch) $975, but you could pick one up for $812.57. Think how happy your significant other will be when you tell him/her that you saved $162.43 today. I just saved your marriage.

Not feeling like saving that much money and your marriage in one fell swoop? Maybe you should look at the diSSent AL for only $450... I mean for only $375.03.

It's everything you want in a frame...

Black with a skull.

Doesn't feel like you'd be saving enough money to save your marriage by settling for the diSSent AL? Try the Misfit diSSent AL C for $750... oops, $625.05.

This is the diSSent ALC that is made in North North America, by hands that handle lots of bacon and Molsons. Nothing makes a great frame like pork products and domestically imported domestic beer.

I think you get the point. Buy anything over at the Psyclestore till midnight Monday and save 16.66% by using the coupon code DICKTACULAR when prompted. I'm sure you're thinking "What's in this for Dicky?"

Aside from the fact that this gave me a day's worth of blog fodder Peter has promised me 95% of the 16.66% he is not making on this deal. Mike Piazza tells me this is not as good as it sounds, but I do not feel I can trust his fuzzy judgment this morning.

Remember, George Bush says shopping keeps us safe from terrorism.

Tomorrow I'm off to The Fall Gathering. See you there (or not).




Peter is not responsible for any fat fingering I might have done on my calculator. Your price WILL be 16.66% off retail when you enter the code DICKTACULAR.

More reasons to avoid SSWC2011

Sad.

Yesterday I was hoping I would get my third "You're a pussy" comment in three days. While fellow 24 Hour Solo Single Speed World Champion Grig gave me a sympathy "You're a pussy" he made no attempt to back up his assertion. I opened the doors, all he needed to do was walk in.

How about:

"Do you really fjear the grammar police so much that you're gonna start using periods inside of quotation marks in a correct manner? You're a pussy."

"You need as much sleep as a geriatric man. You're a pussy."

"You need a fender to keep your ass dry? You're a huge pussy."

"You write a blog? You're definitely a pussy."

Anything with a little effort would have sufficed. I guess I'm such a pussy I'm not even worth the effort.

This photo was on singletrack.com's website from SSWC2010:

First question: Is that really Jacquie Phelan?

Second question: If that is in fact Jacquie (they did spell her name "Jackie") are the folks at singletrack.com (the mountain bike sister site to velonews.com) aware of the fact that she has holes in her sweatshirt apparently exposing her nipples?

Third question: I have no further questions. Those are her nipples.

My career as a investigative bicycling journalist has begun.

If you weren't paying attention you might have missed the announcement that next year's SSWC will be in Ireland. I have a feeling I won't be going. The amount of money to hop the pond would be enough to fund my making much great bike race in the US and A. As I alluded to yesterday money may be tight in 2011, and worst case scenario I might be hired on as Dejay's thong washer. I'll dream of Ireland, but I'll race a bit closer to home... away from the nipple shirts and sweaty ass cracks.

Tomorrow I'm off to do parental type activities, ride my road bike, and pack for The Gathering. I'll only spend fifteen of those valuable minutes staring at Jacquie's nipples.

Is the whole world stagnant...

or is it just me?

Yesterday there were an unprecedented amount of views for a Monday, especially a Monday following a non-race weekend. Although Tanya (creator of yesterday's Xtranormal cartoon) had this to say about yesterday's post...

"This is a week's worth of posts, Dicky. So much stuff."

I felt it was garbage. Well maybe not garbage, but hardly my best work. Yesterday I was trying to think of a word or phrase that best describes how my brain is functioning lately. "Coasting" came to mind, but that sounds as if I'm effortlessly moving forward. "Treading water" seemed like an option, but although it indicates no movement in a direction it still suggest some effort being put into keeping my head above water. I realized the best word to describe my current situation is "stagnant." Instead of moving through the off "season" looking forward to next year I'm stagnating in place and approaching 2011 with some caution as far as planning goes. Lately work as a bike messenger in the Queen City has been sucking balls, not the type of work I do, but the amount of work I do in a day. Job security is not really something I'm feeling lately, so fantasizing about going to exotic places and racing my bike has taken a back seat to pointless worrying and mind numbing boredom.

Although things at work have been going downhill for some time I personally went downhill after I returned from Crank the Shield. With the first ankle injury I found solace in beer... sweet nectar of soothing relief and joyous times. No sooner did my ankle get better then I injured the body part I am no longer allowed to mention, and I was off the mountain bike for a very mentally unhealthy two weeks plus. The end result of beer, cookies, and too much time off the bike had my weight skyrocket to my normal "Oh shit I've gone too far" winter holiday weight of 143lbs. This did very little to help the situation.

I will say one thing on a positive note. I've been getting more sleep, and I feel pretty good, dare I say pretty fucking good. So good in fact that my semi-retirement from being competitive is being questioned on a personal level. I've been thinking that perhaps my fire down below was starved for oxygen through lack of sleep. I haven't gotten this much sleep in years, and the additional 4-5 hours a week has really re energized me physically and perhaps mentally. I feel motivated to approach next "season" with a little bit of energy... oh yeah, except for that silly employment issue.

Yesterday I hung the DeBernardi on a hook and broke out the Fastest Bike in the World.

Not so much because I wanted to or because it was planned, but because it had a fender and the DeBernardi did not. I was hoping to stay on my shitty road bike until The Fall Gathering/Double Dare this weekend in order to give my unmentionable body part the maximum amount of time to heal, but I really didn't want a soggy ass all day. That made it three weeks without riding a single speed let alone a fixed gear, and oddly enough I'm feeling the effects today. Meh... time to get back on the horse.

And since so many people are tuning in to read about boring bike maintenance issues...

I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to get the rubber boot on my PoopLoc in its proper position (shown in its improper position) last night. I only mention this since some anonymous people like to point out my obvious incompetence, and I'm hoping to get my third "You're a pussy" comment in three days.

Accomplishing the shit outta something

Saturday. A day to catch up and maybe finally be done with a few things that have lingered too long on the undone list. I also put up a special weekend post because it was very justified. Tell me if you agree.

Awhile back I had swapped the Meatplow over to winter mode. The bike was "built" but not in any condition to ride.

Under 24 pounds with a steel fork, 8"rotor, Awesome Strap'ed stuff, and a 2.5 Kodiak tire. Army training sir.

Unfortunately "built" doesn't mean "ready for prime time." The rear brake has needed bled ever since I got back from Crank the Shield. Since I've been riding the Superbeast every time I head out the door for a mountain bike ride I have neglected the Meatplow and its needs. I was consumed with guilt looking at it hanging on the wall, so I broke out the not-so-pro bleed kit and went to work.

Eye protection is key. I suggest using a scratched up pair of glasses you found on the trail as opposed to using your own quality eye wear.

That and some kinda mock turtle neck T-shirt that was saved from a rag box at a former sponsor's factory. You can't be too protected.

Crank the Shield had done a number on my bike, and this was the last thing that needed addressed. As if the race wanted to take one last poke at me I had to remove some stubborn Canadian mud before I could loosen the brake lever and rotate it.

With this final bit of mechanical misery behind me I could finally put my bike room back in order. I realize this cycle of mess and clean is a sign of anal retentiveness. Whatever.

My work bench is clean... well, clean for my work bench.

The bikes and spare wheels are up on the hooks and off the floor.

The new Camelbaks have found a home and are no longer lying about hilly nilly in the corners. Ghandi approves.

And the office portion of my bike room is back in some relative order.

Thank goodness the "industry" thinks bottle openers make great tools of propaganda. One can never have too many of them lying around. Well I suppose if you had so many that they created a giant pile blocking your egress from your domicile in the case of an emergency (like a fire, an earthquake, or a big white sale at Dilliard's) you could say you have too many.

Last things last... I swapped the Rag Top for a Zone on the Superbeast.

This seems to make more sense given the small amount of stuff I'm carrying. Well, I think it's a small amount of stuff, but somebody gave me shit the other week about carrying a tire lever.

Anonymous said...

"Are you really too much of a pussy to remove/install a 29er tire w/o levers?"

Yes anonymous, sometimes I am too much of a pussy. I have to admit that some of my tires are a tight fit on my Stan's rims. Most of them are easy to remove, but some (like the Kenda Small Block 8) are just ridiculous. So I carry a fucking piece of plastic that weighs as much as three chicken feathers. I can't say I remember ever using it, but I've also never used the spare links or chaintool I carry as well. That doesn't mean I'm gonna stop carrying them. Besides, have you seen my forearms? I'm not exactly Popeye, so perhaps I am too much of a pussy... perhaps. Haters gonna hate.

I'm also taking a page outta the pro handbook:

I went ahead and screwed on the Genuine Innovations Microflate Nano to the CO2 cartridge. I've always felt like it was a bad idea to pierce the CO2 until you're ready to use it, but since the pros do it I think I'll hop on board. I stuck it in a glass of water and there were no bubbles, but time (and my first flat) will tell me if I chose wisely.

Saturday night I made the unpopular call to skip the first DirtBag Short Track race. An opportunity came up to ride Warrior Creek and Dark Mountain, and since it's been three weeks since I've been on a decent ride I chose twenty miles of banked bliss over thirty minutes of local fun.

I didn't bring a camera, but unfortunately Kangalangamangus brought his phone.

Don't blink or you may miss out on seeing the often times heard about but seldom ever seen in public, Eric Van Driver (rt).

It was a great day to be outside for a few hours on a bike. For those that want to know I taped my body part that I am not allowed to mention, and I was pretty much pain-free the whole day. Of course I rode the Superbeast. Although the Kerr Scott Trails System is an ideal place for a single speed (so people tell me) the newness has not worn off my Tallboy yet. Shifting and squishing about has made me a lazy (but smiling) rider, and that's just how I'm rolling right now. Suck it.

Tanya looks good with her hair up. I miss you too Peter.



and in case you need to cleanse your palate after looking at the Dejay 2010 SSWC thong photos...

boobs

What can I say?

Looks like Dejay wants to save me a lot of time in photoshop.

photo cred: SSWC by Mark Reyes

Trying to keep it hetero.


photo cred: SSWC by Mark Reyes

Trying even harder.

photo cred: SSWC by Mark Reyes

You may want to look away...

seriously.

Dear God.

I'm going to wash my eyes out now.

Single Speed World Championships Rotorua 2010 by Rotorua

Day off well spent (photo heavy)

Sure, as much as I would love to be in New Zealand right now attending SSWC2010 I had to settle for another day off work instead. Too bad. Looks like Dejay's loving the experience and all the attention you get being a "pro single speeder."

My day off was made better the night before when I came home to a box of happy.

What's inside? I knew before I opened the box since Industry Nine has recently hired some expert help in the labeling department.

Yes, my ultra tight and light wheelset finally made it to Bad Idea Racing headquarters... just in time for some wheel swapping so I can stop riding that egg shaped wheel at work on the DeBernardi until I recover from that condition that we dare not speak of.

How light could these magic wheels be?

The front wheel...

and the rear...

What was the net effect on the Kestrel when everything was mounted up with rim tape from the LBS and a little bit of sweat and tears?

Before:

After:

I am aware of the fact that the old wheels that were replaced weren't necessarily high end. I also aware of the fact that the stock Mavic skewers were heavier than the ones that replaced them. I am also also very aware of the fact that dropping .9lbs is freaking incredible.

How best to test them on my day off? Yesterday I had an early appointment with the dentist, so I decided to ride the 10.something miles to his office (AKA: The House of Pain).

No, I do not wear chamois to the dentist. I need the female dental assistants to pay attention to what going on topside if you know what I mean.

Why ride to the dentist?

Why not?

It's sorta scenic if I take the proper route. I even saw some deer that I think Grig Martin would have strong feelings for.

They were hiding in such a covert manner I wondered if they heard that Grig was in the area looking for another woodland creature rendezvous.

The Pie had an important business call and asked that I not re-enter the house before 11:00am, so I stopped and took some glamor shots in the park.

Can you say "wide flanges?" Do you feel as dirty as I do when I say it in a whisper?

The rear is a nice match to the front, what with the logos, and blackness, and overall appeal to the five senses (yes, I did lick them).

How did they ride? Like wheels, but more like Superman and Batman had fraternal twin babies and those babies were wheels that fought crime and thwarted bad guys with super powers and utility belts.



To be thorough with my day's testing I mounted up a Zone to carry my stuff. So much better than a fanny pack.

This is staying on the road bike since the shit I carry with me is an awkward load. For the most part I don't really get flats on road rides, but I did end up fixing three flats that happened mysteriously in my bike room when I got home.

Once I got done fixing all the flats I shouldn't have had I threw a Rampage on the front of the Superbeast and headed right out the door (after a second pot of coffee).

I rode out to the secret location of the Dirt Bag Short Track Race (this Sunday). I took it easy and scoped it out in both directions... except this thing which didn't look like something I'd ride backwards.

From there I proceeded over to the Backyard Trails to test my weak joint that I don't talk about anymore. I swear I went very slowly. How slow? This guy yelled "On your left" and then blew by me.

I think he heard that amorous fellow Grig Martin was about, and he's already made the rounds in the mammal kingdom and looking for a new challenge. Maybe he just wanted to get a better look at my Rag Top loaded with a fat tube and some tools. I bet a turtle could carry a lot of cool turtle stuff with this strapped to his back

I felt okay (as far as that thing I don't talk about), but no better than that. I've been on a geared bike for the past three weeks straight which would make it the longest amount of time I've been off a one speed bike of any sort for almost a decade. As soon as this "issue" is resolved the Fastest Bike in the World will come back down off the wall and life will go back to the normal abnormal.

Meh, still a bit puffy.

Oh well... it could be worse.

I could be in New Zealand.