The lost TSE interview they didn't want you to see

Mike Cushionbury, former deputy test director of Mountain Bike and current contributing columnist to Modern Dental Appliques and Asian Gardening (a very niche magazine) has been doing a series of interviews with some of the big names participating in this year's Trans-Sylvania Epic. He's lobbed softball questions at Sue Haywood, Adam Snyder, Selene Yeager, Barry Wicks, Mark Weir, and Chris Beck (those two interviews are gone now). Mike interviewed me as well, being that I am the underdog favorite to win the single speed category this year. Unfortunately I was recently told that it wasn't going to be published. Something about bandwidth, decency, relevance, and how handsome Grig is.


Whatever.

Here is the interview they must not want you to see for whatever reason.

Mike C: So Rich, you are no stranger to stage racing. This year's Trans-Sylvania Epic will be your 10th MTB stage race, and even after nine less than stellar performances you're still participating in the stage race format. Although you nabbed a couple spots on the podium at TSE and Crank the Shield last year, you were dead last at the Breck Epic. What gives?

Team Dicky: Well Mike, I enjoy riding in new places and meeting new people... that and beating pasty white media folk with names that sound like a child's favorite breakfast cereal.

Mike C: Ah yes, last year's attempt to completely and utterly dominate the cycling industry and media types. How did that go for you?

Team Dicky: Well aside from Uber Fit Chick putting the wood to me, it went pretty well. I would have kicked your ass last year if the single speed category hadn't called a truce and decided to neutralize the last stage.

Mike C: That sounds like an excuse, a weak excuse. Anyways, you're riding a new bike this year. 2010's last place male single speeder Peter Keiller is the owner of Misfit Psycles, and he decided that instead of racing this year he should put one of his bikes under a more capable rider. He will not be attending this year's race. Will this have a negative impact on your performance?

Team Dicky: Quite the contrary. Peter is a horrible influence. After two stages I was still within striking distance of the top step of the podium, but then Peter was all like "Have a beer, Dicky," and then it was over. Not having him around will make things easier. The rest of the single speed class (aside from Dave "Fourth Place" Cormier) behaved like Mormons all week, so this year, as long as I can steer clear of Dave, I should be fine.

Mike C: Will you be attempting to completely and utterly dominate the cycling industry and media types this year?

Team Dicky: Yes, I will. My former editor Karen Brooks, now editor of Bicycle Times, and my current editor Josh Patterson will be there, as well as the unbeatable Selene Yeager and you'll be there. Are you still considered "in the industry?" Doesn't matter. I plan to destroy them all, including you.

Mike C: Harsh words from a "contributor," little man. Word on the street is that although all the talk has been about the highly competitive mens and womens fields, the single speed class is stacked with competition, and by competition, I mean people that have beaten you quite soundly in the past.

Team Dicky: Yeah, Jason Mahokey over at XXC Mag has really dropped the ball by not reporting the race that really matters to the cycling fans; the single speed class. Who does he think he is, cyclingnews.com? Anyways, I have a plan to dominate the single speed class this year.

Last year's winner: Grig

I am going to form an alliance with all the other members of the single speed class against Grig. We will tell him everyday that the stage will be another neutralized rolling party, and Grig, being the handsome gentleman super hero type, will show up to the start line in his cowboy outfit with a back pack full of beer already a few sheets to the wind. He'll fall for it every day, I have no doubt. He may be pretty, but he's very gullible.

Last year's second place: Dough

Dough should be easy to beat. I've spent enough time in his company, and I know his weaknesses. My plan is to leave current issues of Road and Track, Motor Trend, and Import Tuner all over the Eagle Lodge. Dough is going to waste such a good portion of his day in the bathroom having "private time" that his right arm will be sore, and he will have a hard time controlling his bike with his fatigued limb. If that doesn't work, I'm going to threaten to do a pressed ham on the windshield of his fancy station wagon if he doesn't let me win.

Dave "Fourth Place" Cormier

What can I say? Not a threat last year. Not a threat this year.

Kelly Klett

His wife Vanessa talks a lot, and she shared too much information with me at PMBAR while we waited a very long time for Kelly to finish. Apparently he is afraid of a lot of things, and he suffers from algophobia (fear of pain), rupophobia (fear of dirt), nyctohylophobia (fear of dark woods), and omphalophobia (fear of belly buttons), not to mention ablutophobia (fear of bathing, see above image) and zemmiphobia (fear of the Great Mole). Pennsylvania will terrify him, what with its dark, dirty woods and Amish people in belly shirts walking their pet moles.

Mark "Elk" Elassaser

Mark recently had surgery to have his retina reattached to his brain. I'm going to tell him that I don't think it's such a good idea for him to be riding around on rocky trails with a rigid fork risking his eyesight. Being that Mark trusts me, I will give him some "advice" from The Pie RN. He should ride around with one eye shut to keep his eye in his head, lest it become detached and fall out amongst the rocks. Furthermore, I will tell him that depth perception is over rated anyways, and riding with only one eye open will not affect his performance. Then again, if his eye falls out on the trail, this would stop Kelly in his tracks as he also suffers from ommetaphobia (fear of eyes).

Mike C: What about the other riders in the single speed class?

Team Dicky: Never heard of them. Must be nobodies.... well, other than Tanya, and she is not a threat.

Mike C: What about State College local Peter Buckland?

Team Dicky: Peter who?

Mike C: You spent a lot of time scheming, but have you spent any time actually training for the event.

Team Dicky: Hardly. Scheming is a pretty time consuming undertaking, and I find that training is much harder than coming up with nefarious plans of sabotage and trickery.

Mike C: So your predictions for the single speed class this year....

Team Dicky: Me on top of the podium, and besides that, who cares? I'm gonna fucking crush all comers and leave burnt corpses in my wake.

Mike C: Sick, delusional, yet slightly entertaining.



Look for another unpublished article from Mike Cushionbury next week.

Inside the Pro's Bikes: Team Dicky's Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5.