Thursday, June 23

Gunnar VS Trejo

Tuesday night I had two optional plans for Wednesday. Either go for a road ride or do another stupid mountain bike ride from my house to a trail to another trail and back to my house. Storms rolled through the area that night, and so my decision was made for me.

Road ride.


I just mounted up the heavy, wired bead 28mm tires for TdB, so my zippy little plastic bike was going to feel kinda turdy. I wanted to get an early start before the heat, but I wasted too much time on the internet. Big Worm had sent me a couple routes, but one came back as a link to Gmail and the other was a map as opposed to a cue sheet. Since I pissed away so much time, it was late enough in the day to just stop at Ilan's Bicycle Emporium and Mustache Wax Salon on my way outta town. They printed me off a cue and sold me some bicycle energy food with which I might complete the route.

I took my own route from the shop through downtown. I always see roadies passing through while I'm at work, and I wonder why they come through all the congestion and lights if they don't have to. I'm still wondering. Maybe they come for the great Viking food.

Once I got out to the route I realized that my computer was still set for 23mm tires, so I tried to change it over to 28mm, but all I did was erase all my current ride info. I knew this misinformation would mess with the distances on the cue, but enough to matter? Dunno.

I pulled out the cue sheet, and found that it was getting soaked in sweat. What to do, what to do?

Built in cue sheet holder thanks to the Tour de Burg approved Zone.

This thing, in case you forgot:

Did I fall off the cue sheet and into no-man's land a few times ? Yes. Cue sheets derived from things like google maps means that you're going to see instructions like this:

Mile 23.756 Rt turn → on Old NC Route 349756

When you get to the turn you think you should take there's a sign for Fucklebuckberry Lane but no sign for Old NC Route 349756. Is it the right right turn or the wrong right turn, especially since your computer is off in regards to true earth distances? Dunno.

With all the "slight right" and "continue on" and "stick your left foot in" instructions I had to pull out my Fisher Price Not-so-Smart phone quite a few times to get back on route. Never mind that I've ridden this loop at least ten times in the past. I'm always talking too much to pay attention.

At one point I was almost in South Carolina, and judging by the name of this bar I believe I was on Mars at one point.


Quato's: Come for the beer, stay for the three breasted women.

Once I got home I was @4.5lbs lighter than when I started the day. I only rode somewhere in the neighborhood of 75 miles, and although I drank four bottles, apparently that was not enough. I decided to drink water until I peed clear and then drink beer. I never peed clear all night.

I recovered in front of the TV watching Machete.

It was not good, unless "good" means "bad" on Mars.

Then I watched the Gunnar Shogren biopic that was loaned to me from Damian R.

Gunnar's 1998 season scrunched down to 40 minutes and stuck on a video cassette tape. I used to attend some of the same races shown in the movie, albeit in the beginner/sport classes. Di Di Mau, Seven Springs... oh the memories, the trails, and the horrid kits. I have a fair dinkum more respect for the man now, and I actually sorta enjoyed the show. V-brakes, saddle bags falling off, Grip Shift, Time shoes, 26" wheels, mullets... I thought I was having a nightmare, but I was awake the whole time. The whole experience of watching the movie made me wonder...

Has USA Cycling ever made a Stars and Stripes jersey that wasn't the fucking ugliest garment on the planet?

I spent the rest of the evening playing with my Danny Trejo and Gunnar Shogren action figures. Was it wrong that I dressed them in Barbie clothes and had them driving around in a pink Corvette?


Mark said...

Machette rules. How can you not like the mother daughter scene!

Montana said...

Woah. I've always wanted to eat in Valhalla. What did you have to do to the old man to get that tape?