We get letters...

Not really.

So anyways, here are all the answers to all the questions that you didn't bother to ask about my performance at ORAMM.

Why did you wear a sleeveless cotton midriff shirt?

For the most part, I was trying to be as old skool, punk rock, middle finger in the air single speedy as possible. I've been feeling kinda corporate single speedy lately, and my feng shui has been in shambles along with my disoriented chi. The world seems better with a sweat soaked cotton t-shirt clinging to your ribs, and on the climbs all I had to do was tuck the bottom of the shirt through the neck hole for proper ventilation. It was a serious win, win, win scenario.

Why did you not attack more than once after you caught Robert Jameson?

I don't know. I think I was just delighted to be so close to my goals (getting a top three finish, setting a PR, and wearing my Genie pants on the podium) that I forgot I was racing. Looking back, I realize I had nothing to lose by attacking a few more times, but you know what they say about hindsight? Do it too much, and you'll go blind.

Are you surprised that Shane Schreihart almost shit himself on the trail?

Not at all.

What happened to Captain Morgan?

He was witnessed practicing cyclocross dismounts all the way up Curtis Creek Road. There is something so very wrong with that man.

Will you come back next year?

I was convinced that if I didn't win, I would have no desire to come back. To be honest, I had so much fun this year that it will be hard to stay away in 2012. ORAMM is like a sick family reunion, and I don't know if I can stand not seeing my distant cousins and slightly off-kilter extended relations next year. Well that, and knowing that a sub 5:30 time is soooo close.

What would you do different next year?

For certain I would take two 1/2 full bottles (or 1/2 empty if you're a negative Nancy) at the fourth aid station to avoid having two full bottles jostling around and bouncing down the trail. I might remove another three inches from the lower part of my Bareknuckle Brigade t-shirt. I would be sure to not sleep under a defrosting freezer the night before. Other than that, I would just go faster and be all racery.

What was up with the purple fuzzy capri pants on the podium?

I brought them on purpose knowing that my goal was to podium or die. Captain Morgan was so amazed that I was confident enough to bring podium specific pants to the race that when I asked him to digitally document my triumphant return to the limelight with my camera, he just started taking photos or random men's crotches.


These balls belong to former Industry Nine guru and sideburn cultivator, Jeff Baucom.

What was in your pants?

photo cred: outdoor event photos

I swear that I wore underwear for the specific purpose of adding some vagueness to my obvious genitricular display, but apparently I was a total fail in that respect. Women fainted, children were baffled and asking awkward questions, and local weather radars were confused. I would apologize, but as Lady Gaga says, "Don't hide yourself in regret.. blah, blah, blah, I was born this way."

With such large balls, why didn't you go any faster down Heartbreak Ridge and beat Robert?

What? Hey, look... Tomi caught a fish.