Product Review: Nü Lüb

I am long overdue for a product review that I've been putting off for no better reason than enthusiastic procrastination. I have been a user of the original formula Pro Link bicycle chain lubricant for some time, nigh on ten years all told. I have many brands of lubes on my work bench that have been beschwaggened unto me, but I just keep those around for guests. My personal lube of choice goes on my personal bikes of choice.

Kid tested, Mike Piazza approved. ©

I was approached by Dick Bruceman (AKA Bruce Dickman, AKA PP Pounder) when he became the new Pro Gold rep at quite large and asked if I wanted to try some other Pro Gold products. The first bundle of joy brought me a vat of Pro Towels, a bubble packed Luber Pen, a plunger bellow device full of EPX Cycle Grease, and a spritzer bottle of Bike Wash. He also told me of another product coming down the line, a longer lasting version of my favorite Pro Link lube called Voyager.

I was always happy with Pro Link. It lasted as long as the majority of my rides lasted. I suppose it didn't make it all the way through messier and longer rides quite as well, but since I ride a single speed, chain lube is considered a luxury after many hours in the saddle. Hundred milers might have been finished on the squeaky side, but my iPod always took care of that minor issue.

My favorite thing about Pro Link was that it was always easy to get the chain clean after use. Sparkly clean, jangly clean, remove the chain and wear it out on the town as jewelry knowing that your blouse will remain clean clean.

I applied the new Voyager lube to my chain before this year's Shenandoah Mountain 100. The course was a bit moist this year, but the lube lasted all the way through to the finish. Being the lackadaisical ne'er do maintenance that I am, I rode an additional 40-50 miles over the course of the next few weeks without reapplying.

With not a noise or unwanted chain explosion.

Victory.

Since then I have not attempted to clean the chain thoroughly. I've wiped it down, reapplied, and rode it as is. It looks messy, but it's been fine.

I told Dick Bruceman that I really liked Voyager, but then he told me that it is no longer called Voyager.

It is now Xtreme Chain Lube.

I liked the name "Voyager." It made me think of the original Star Trek movie.

V'ger... the perplexing word spoke by the hotness of a bald woman with a bejeweled lower larynx region.

The beautiful romance between a robot woman and the one and only Jake Cutter.

Now the lube is known as Xtreme, pronounced ecks-stream, surely alluding to the term "extreme."

How do you know when something is "extreme?"

When it says so on the label.

Or if you live and eat in Japan, they simply use subtle imagery to suggest the extremity of a product:

No longer a brand name for a lubricant, the moniker Voyager is now the name of a heroic mountain biking comic book character.

He used to climb mountains, box, and save children from terrible peril, but now he is on a quest to find the perfect chain lube.

Fortunately he runs into a cartoon version of Dick Bruceman in a coolie hat and bathrobe that solves his dry chain dilemma.


Naming controversy aside, I still feel like I have to give the new Xtreme Chain Lube my...

SEAL OF SEMI-APPROVAL

Why? I just don't like the word "extreme." It is overused, like the words "epic," "knockers," and "hüsker dü." Although they craftily changed the spelling, it is easy to see through this marketing side speak, and I think a compromise would be the best solution moving forward.

and for our lube loving, subtlety embracing friends in the far east...

Buy some now.

And yes, lest we forget, today is Nigel Tufnel Day.

Find the one you love, hold them close, like sorta in a headlock, and make them Smell the Glove.