Monday, April 23

Getting Thominated

Yesterday, the Charlotte Single Speed Champion and I met up with Thom Parsons for a little mountain riding.  Once again I was headed in a westerly direction through the rain to end up in the mountains where the sun was shining.  We were also supposed to meet up with some of the Faster Mustache Crew (Charlotte Chapter), but they woke up to rain in Saluda and decided that they didn't want to chafe their vaginas.

This wouldn't have been so bad, had I remembered my phone.

So after we stood around in the parking lot  for an inordinate amount of time waiting for people who were never gonna come but were polite enough to send a text to my phone that was laying on my work bench two hours away from me, we went for a ride.  Nothing epic, as Thom was tired from covering the Boone Roubaix for Big Bikes Media, a subsidiary of the mega cycling news corporate conglomerate, Cycling Dirt.

I haven't seen Thom since the 2010 Breck Epic.  I don't think we've ever gone on a casual ride together.  Like most New Englanders, rocks and roots are not really an impediment to speed.  He was crushing the descents and when he was following me down Cove Creek, I made a sudden stop off to the side of the trail. He followed me and then proceeded to treat me as if I was a Massachusetts trail obstacle.  He did not manage to ride all the way over me, even when Tim tried to give him a boost by crashing into the back of him.

If we are lucky, there will be video of the incident... eventually.

Thom wears a camera at all times.  Part of his commitment to covering all things cycling on Big Bikes Media.  I often wondered if the camera was always rolling as we discussed what it was like to live on the fringes of the "industry."  I asked him if his editors require him to send in nude photos every week, or if that is just a Dirt Rag thing. Thom told me that this behavior was not necessarily normal, but the upper echelon of the "industry" has been rumored to have an ultra-secret Amateur Porn Trading Club.  He said they've been constantly rejecting his images, but that's not gonna stop him from breaking into the inner rings of the "industry."  He's not gonna let rejection letters with comments like "not girthy enough" and "quite a bit too hairy for our tastes" hold him back.

After the ride, there was food and whatnot. 

I was happy to hear that Big Bikes Media is really taking off.  Cycling Dirt has always managed to cover the racing scene in a manner that is not dry and boring, but Thom's style and demeanor has taken it to a new level.  For me, straight-up cycling interviews can be as thrilling as watching my nails dry.  A cyclist will have a hard time proving they have a personality if the interviewer just asks stale questions.

"So how did your race go?"

"Well, I rode faster than everybody else, and I won."

Sorry, I was pushing back my cuticles.  What did he say?

"Would you rather have relations with Garth Prosser or be stranded on a deserted island with a gay porn collection and a volleyball?"


Thom has never asked that question.  Maybe he will now.

I doubt it.  Kind of a no-brainer. Even Garth's wife would probably take the deserted island.

Maybe I'm biased, and the only reason I like Cycling Dirt right now is because their facebook page has me as their cover photo...

I do have morals and loyalties, and like any politician, they can be bought for the right price.  Well, maybe I haven't been bought, but perhaps I feel a certain loyalty to head dirt videographer Colt McElwaine because I virtually touched his wiener.


Chris said...

Mmmm ... bears. Industry bears.

(OK, so he's ex-industry. We're all family.)

Vince Anderson said...

YEAH , its a no brainer: Garth rides a Leftie & like 29er tires, low PSI makes ALL the difference with volley balls regardless of the type or quality of porn involved!

AdamB said...

I like the irony of the two Cyclingdirt screen shots: one is of the short man humping his bike and the other of the tallest creatures doing the Dicky thang...

BigBikes said...

Oh you will be lucky.

Every time I come to NC I have to almost run down a local rider and post the video on the internet.

Can't wait for the negative comments:

"Rich Dillen, you're no Danny McAskill."