Thursday, May 10

Dejay Claus is coming to town

The Trans-Sylvania Epic is right around the corner, but what with the Pisgah Eleventy-One in a little over a week, I'm finding it hard to focus on my first big week of "racing.".  Gone are last year's goals of a stand-out performance at TSE.  I learned my lesson last year; that I have no desire to take a week's worth of racing seriously.  That doesn't mean it's not a serious race for some other folks.

Bishop, Sager, Tanguay, Wicks, Lindine, Edsall, and a whole mess of others are gonna take this shit seriously.  I'm bringing a stage race virgin from Charlotte with me who packs a whole lotta punch and talent, even though I think he's from Canada (known for its large pool of untalent).  Up until last week, I wasn't sure who was who in the single speed class.  Rumor has it that SS National Champ Cary Smith is coming to town, but I don't see his name on the registration list.  Then again, I don't see any of Team CF signed up, so I think they're just going to make a Hollywood'esque late arrival.

A few days ago, I saw this on the book of faces:

Yes, Dejay Birtch is coming to town.  I haven't seen his hairy ass since Interbike.

 I've only beat him once, and that was back at the 2006 Mohican.  I finished ahead of him because he rode the whole 100 miles holding hands with Sean Sullivan (how else to explain their "tie finish"?)  I might have bested him at the Ride for Reading event in Vegas, but some people would say that my win was "arranged."

Even if I knuckled down and Dejay drank whiskey all week...

 he's prepared his body for those conditions already.

He may not look it, 

but he's a serious athlete...

trapped in the radiant body of a demi-god.

When his roommates are shooting erotic soft-core inflatable bestiality porn in his living room, he continues to study his race literature.

Not to say that Dejay's not worried about me.  He is, very much so.  Although his announcement alluded to the fact that he is headed east, he was already here last week spying on my amazing solo performance at PMBAR.

Emails have been confiscated to back up my Dejay Birtch spy ring theory.  He has been referring to himself as War Admiral, there are several mentions of Sea Biscuit, and I'm pretty sure he's been calling his penis Red Pollard.

This will be a true race for the times.  A defining moment in history.  America will once again be glued to their radios listening.

Yeah, they're only gonna hear Clear Channel filtered pop songs, but after the Nine O'clock Nickleback Hour of Power, they'll be headed straight to their MacBooks to get all the TSE race news.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

give'r sht boy!