Thursday, June 7

Still not all the TSE I have to offer...

So yesterday I shared (most of) the raunchy details of the last "official" stage of the Trans-Sylvania Epic. History will decide whether or not the single speeders did a righteous job representing our tribe or if perhaps we stepped over some kind of imaginary line of impropriety.

It's probably too soon to look at things in an objective manner even now. I have to admit, the shame I felt a day ago has kinda gone away and been replaced with a warm feeling in my belly when I reflect back on that 5.5 hours of my life.

Regardless of the fact that I had my first beer of the day at 9:40AM, I signed up for the Cycling Dirt 3 Beer Derby. I was bummed that I missed out last year due to an insanely powerful hangover from the night before the last stage (Dough, my 2010 Handler, was not up to the task of Dick Handling that night).

So without a thought of a win, just a good time and a decent showing, I signed up with the other fifteen idiots.

I strategically placed my bike on the other side of the start line for three reasons.

1. So nobody would mess with it like what happened last year. Being that the instigator Rebecca Rusch was not there and I was racing, it probably wasn't going to happen again anyways.

2. I didn't want to deal with the melee of a drunken LeMans start and the possibility of people stepping on my Stickel.

3. I wanted to recreate the successful Barry Wicks reverse attack on the course from 2011.

photo cred: A E Landes

Pre-race meals are as important as on the course hydration.

So we lined up and the crowd started counting down...

"5, 4.."

And like that, Sue Haywood took a commanding lead.

photo cred: A E Landes

Seconds later I responded, and then the rest followed suit. We got to the beer, and I elected to not shotgun the 72° Yuengling.

photo cred: Spoken Chain

I was not the first outta the gate, but my technique had me out in the top five. As I headed out onto the course opposite of the suggested direction of travel, the trail ahead was pretty empty. Being from the home of the NASCAR Hall of Fame, I found it much easier to make all left hand turns. Once I got into head-on traffic, there were a few looks of dismay, some smiles, and an occasional anti-single speeder comment. Haters.

Second lap.

I got to my beer. The crowd was even more raucous than before. Beer was being sprayed about by fellow racers and spectators. Beer spewing laughter was imminent.

photo cred: Dirt Rag

I did not get much of that beer in my mouth, but I headed out for lap two irregardless of my inability to fully consume my beverage. Sideways looks at my fellow racers indicated that much quality lukewarm Yuengling was not finding its way home.

Out on the course, a dirty look from a Breck Epic duo team member. Disapproval. He must not know that I am protesting my exclusion from the Stage 7 results.

As I made my way to the backside of the lake, all was going well until I saw TSE Womens Open winner Cheryl Sornson coming headlong at me. I yelled "I'm going right!"

It was too late.

Our two very small bodies collided into each other at a combined speed of 20-30MPH. Her head, my chest. Her bars, my right hand. Like two pieces of dust colliding mid-air in an unkempt mobile home. No one notices. We collapsed on the ground in a heap.

"I think my jaw is broken."

"Let's sit down for a second, Cheryl."

We evaluated the situation. I apologized to Cheryl a million times. A large man stopped to see if we were okay. He was stepping on my bike while it was laying on Cheryl's in a CHIP's style accident scene. My pedal was stuck in her crabon Roval wheels, and her attention quickly went from her jaw to the man standing on our shit.

She berated him.

Her anger washed away her pain, we made our peace, and rode off.

Saddened by the fact that I may have broken one of America's best endurance racers, I pulled off the course in shame. Cheryl battled on to the end.

photo cred: Spoken Chain

After the race, we made up... but I did have to promise to clean her dirty chamois with my tooth brush.

photo cred: Dirt Rag

Here's the whole event (minus me trying to take out Cheryl... sorry Amanda Carey, I tried).

There's more, but you gotta come back tomorrow for the rest. I'm gonna need your help, so be sure to check back for the last 2012 TSE post...



Shane S. said...

You douche.... Taking out America's sweetheart!:-) Tisk Tisk!!

John Parker said...

question is did being an SS'er drive you to drink or did your drinking (and no dig your clear enjoyment of it) drive you to be an SS'er?

dicky said...

Beer is the yin to my single speeding yang.

Pauly said...

Dude, you are off your beer riding form. I'm going to crush you at ORAMM. Geared of course.