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Tuesday, August 7

Like four Quarter Pounders

Preparation breeds confidence.

In some ways, I am not prepared for the Breck Epic. At a point where I could have dropped my weight down to 130lbs, somehow I took a wrong turn and ended up at 140lbs. Good intentions are not a diet plan. I would say I was surprised if the reasons for going the wrong way were not entirely self-evident. It's not a surprise at all. I shouldn't have bothered to win a race earlier this year, as mine victory has removed any and all motivation to give the requisite fucks about performance.

From an object related standpoint, I'm prepared as I could possibly be. My bag is packed, my bike will be in Breck today, and all my gear related shortcomings have been overcome...

unlike Peter.

He has:

A white frame, likely the last time it was used? The 2011 Breck Epic, ridden to a solid, locked-down last place in the single speed class.

Stan's No-Tube wheels, a surprisingly reliable choice on Peter's part. Maybe he won't be fixing his wheels with a steak knife three days into the race like last year.

Manitou 80mm Tower Pro, enough travel to provide comfort, not so much that he doesn't have an excuse when I blaze by him on the descents on my rigid crabon frok. #notafox

His other gear selections?

He's sticking with the shitty cranks that plagued his existence last year. Good call.

He's sticking with his fleet of current pedals... they do have great customer service. All the while he mocks my pedal selection, even if they've been the trouble free choice of Bad Idea Racing for two decades.

He's sticking with the his current helmet, no doubt the free helmet he was given when he broke his hip at the 2010 Breck Epic. Certainly it uses ancient Roc Loc 4 technology, for if it were RL5, Peter would have stomped it under his angry primate feet.

This pile of shit being assembled with a spoon and a stick of butter will be coming with Peter to Denver where I shall scoop them both in a rented Ford Fusion.

Peter has named said pile of shit the "Dick Slayer."

Worried about the gun I would bring to his taco fight, he inquired as to which bike I might select for the Breck Epic.


I have so many choices; the Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5, the Dickstickel Meatplow V.6, the Scott Genius 40 (still in pieces)... perhaps some secret I've been working on?

Thusly and heretofore until the cessation of the 2012 Breck Epic, I shall be referring to the Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5 as the "Peter Pounder."

The Peter Pounder is old, not as flashy as the Dickstickel Meatplow V.6, but certainly a bit lighter than its steel counterpart. Lighter than last year's Breck Epic cycle machine for sure. Stan's Crest rims, Niner RDO bar, XTR brakes, somewhere in the neighborhood of 19.5 lbs. Not super light, but light for me while still retaining some manly tires.

The main reason I've selected this bicycle? I've weighed the pros and cons and done the calculations:

The chances of having my hand placed in a bowl of warm water while I'm sleeping will be reduced by 30%.

The chances that Peter will pick up at least one bar tab have been increased by 7%, a massive increase from .3%.

The chances that I beat Peter were not affected at all. I will have to settle for 100%.

5 comments:

AdamB said...

Dick and Peter.
So many jokes, so little time...

Anonymous said...

So it sounds like you guys have last and almost last place pretty well locked up!

Dickhouse said...

Charlie Hayes will be haunting your wet dreams again this year. On the flipside, he is using a squishy SS, so you can still win the non-existent full-rigid class. He ate my lunch all year. Luckily I'm a breakfast guy.

john parker said...

he may have crappy cranks but he won't need any lube with that belt drive....oh and speaking of lube you gonna be a good southerner and pack your medi pot so your sinus's are nice and hydradted?

Peter Keiller said...

imagine for a moment that i did not crash and break all the time. or if i trained prior to, not during Breck. or if my bike functioned flawlessly beginning to ends. or if i didn't need you as my only real friend.

then you'd be sorry.