As primitive as can be

A large portion of my Face world is filled with reports from Interbike. Overflowing plates of buffet food, stolen moments with Elvis impersonators, long lines waiting for credentials and autographs, the tree-less desert, views of urban sprawl from hotel windows, and occasionally shiny bike parts. I am still filled with no desire to be there.

I've been searching the web for something Interbike related that might thrill me. I woulda said that the "booth babes" caught my eye, but I don't want Sizzle Lean Yeager coming around and kicking my ass any time soon. While I'll admit that my penis does a fair amount of my thinking, it has little to do with my decisions as a consumer. I've never made a conscience choice to purchase a product due to it's proximity to a pair of breasts. Don't get me wrong. Men are pigs, and I am a man. Therefore I have hooves, a squiggly tail, and taste like bacon. I truly believe that the unused portion of my human brain serves as back-up storage for excess visual imagery of breasts. I guess women just use it for recipes.

So, looking for bikes or bike related products that catch my eye...

Nothing. That is nothing that catches my eye for the right reasons.

photo cred: MTBR.com

As much as I thought I had fallen in love with carbon years ago, I am now confounded by its presence. It's everywhere. Companies are considered "off the back" if they don't have a carbon offering. Just a coupla months ago, I was thinking about a carbon single speed for 2013. I feel that way no longer. I still have a soft spot for titanium, not so much for its "magic metal" qualities, but for it's lack of paint that slowly chips, scratches, and fades. What I would want in titanium would cost me an arm, a leg, and half a penis... and I need that for thinking.

I miss fat suspension bikes made out of hydro-formed aluminum with seven million gussets and fat stack o' nickle welds made by human hands. I miss sleek steel hardtails. I miss DEDICATED single speeds.

I do not like where electronics are sneaking into mountain biking. Rear shocks and suspension forks with wires and shit cross some kind of line with me. I know shifting is next. Who doesn't see that coming? How much of our riding do we want the bike to do for us? At what point do we just put an engine on it and call it a day?

I realize it is very Amish of me to think like this. Disc brakes? Okay. Tubeless tire systems? Fine. Electricity? God hates you and your science. The devil is behind all new ideas since the beginning of this millennium.