Thursday, December 6

Cylon Urinal Journal

Every day while I'm at work, I normally use one of two urinals which are approximately 600 feet above the street below.  It's done with little thought, probably two to five times a day, with no preference for the one on the left over the one on the right.  Like most normal male humans, I only look down long enough to make sure everything's going in the right general direction, and then I stare directly ahead of me to avoid any confusion regarding my sexual preferences.  In these palatial surroundings, there are no advertisements on the wall to stare at featuring man related products and scantily clad women.  One just drifts off into "the zone" and awaits the shaking moment.

While in "the zone" the other day, the LED light on the head of the low flush urinal winked its evil eye at me.  I was immediately thrown into a trauma induced flashback.

winking urinal recreated for dramatic purposes

I was back on Jake's couch the night before ORAMM staring at the ceiling.  The smoke detector above me could barely be seen in the cloudless Montreat moonlight.  I was waiting for it to go off randomly once again, but this time it would not disturb my slumber as I had yet to fall back asleep since it's last report.  The red eye would occasionally blink telling me that either the beeping was forever gone or painfully imminent.  I had no idea what it meant in reality.  My Tell-Tale Heart, the vulture eye staring at me in the darkness, paying me back for all the wrong I had ever done in this world...

And then it was time to gently shake my loose naughty bits, get zipped up, and go back to work.

Like that, I knew the 2013 "season" had already gotten a hold of me.

Last Friday, with some free time and a bit of Celebration Ale handy, I went to work on removing the 2012 and posting up my 2013.  It's not a complete list, but it's solid.  I will be at those events, unless of course, the world ends, the zombie apocalypse occurs, I get dowsed with a chemtrail, or I get gravely injured in a rare Photoshop incident.  I will be inserting other events as I decide to squeeze them in, but the ones already listed are 100% on like your mom's thong for one or more of the following reasons:

Peer pressure




Appearance fees

Contractual obligations


All of the above

None of the above

Most of them are on there because they are quality, can't-miss events*.  My tenth PMBAR, eighth Shenandoah 100 (see: peer pressure), and eighth ORAMM.  I've been to every edition of the 6 Hours of Warrior Creek, Trans-Sylvania Epic, Breck Epic, and Pisgah 111k (so what if there's only been one so far?).

My goals as far as actual performance goes?  Unknown.  I tend to make those up as I go along.  My main goals are to travel, race, have a good time, escape the 9-5 reality of being a messenger in the 2012 Era Queen City, and hopefully keep this untrained train rolling on down the tracks for another year.

The first step to getting serious?  It served its purpose, and now it has to go.

Seriously, what self-respecting single speeder (oxymoron) can keep up with the daily maintenance of facial hair? I have no desire to keep up with an entire drive train of shifty bits once a month, so why on earth would anyone spend minutes of their valuable drinking time standing in front of the mirror shaving meticulously around an ironic crop of follicular follies?

*I'm not spending my time hyperlinking all those races in the post since they're over on the sidebar already.  If I had time for that nonsense, I woulda had time to keep the mustache.


Anonymous said...

I think your shifty bit squish bike has made you soft. True SS mustache would be to not maintain it at all. Nice and simple.

Now you have to actually shave everyday.

Big E said...

I don't know Dicky... You'd look pretty hot with a neck beard.

Anonymous said...

So, you are going to race for "faster moustache" in the future sans a moustache? Seems like you should indeed keep the moustache. Maybe as an ironic twist you can sport the beard with a shaved upper lip. I learned tonight the correct description for said style= spurgy.
This is when a man, and sometimes a woman, will grow a beard without a moustache as a compliment to the beard and it appears as if they have an amish-like beard AND they have no known affiliation with the amish community. You aren't Amish are you?