Thursday, May 23

Overshooting the target by aiming low

I mentioned that I was already packed for the Trans-Sylvania Epic.

On the right is all my gear, clothes, and body armor to protect me from Dejay's latest shopping spree.*

On the left, my food.  I decided to go the dirt bag route once again and shun the offered meal plan.  I ponied up for it last year, and it was fantastic.  Being that I have little to no aspirations of glory this year and zero patience to wait until breakfast/dinner is served, I'm gonna take care of myself with the Dicky Meal Plan.


Four daily chocolate Pop-Tarts deliver the following:
800 calories
12 grams of protien
40% RDA of Vitamins A and B6, 40% Thiamin, Riboflavin, Calcium, Niacin, and Iron
108 grams of carbs
A laundry list of chemicals involved in making processed foods


Sweet potatoes.  Why?  They make up for the guilt I felt all day for eating two packs of Pop-Tarts for breakfast and they're loaded with vitamin A, potassium, and smugness.  They're ready in minutes out of the microwave and shaped like turds.

For my main meal, I have limited my options.  Supposedly Albert Einstein only had five identical suits because according to him, "... I don’t waste any brain power in the mornings deciding which set of clothes to wear."

At least that's something I learned from Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.

That and the fact that Geena Davis has a beauty that is timeless.

So, my main meal of the day consists of...

Carbs, easy to make carbs.  

Between 90 seconds and 10 minutes easy.  The Quinoa and Brown Rice pack is loaded with goodness while the Annie's Bunny Pasta with Yummy Cheese is hilariously formed into little bunny-like shapes and profiles.  Not exactly a foodies wet dream, but I will be eating within minutes of feeling the need.


Tuna.  Mother fucking tuna.  I love this shit.  The beanses were just in the cupboardses, and when The Pie looked the other way, I tooks them.

Faux butter for my sweet potatoes and making my bunnies all covered in "yummy cheese" (a cheese not recognized by the International Cheese Makers Society).  Precooked tofu blocks.  All I need is a knife and a beer to wash it down.  Three hundred plus calories, thirty plus grams of protein, zero plus effort.  Cholula sauce, because it makes the unpalatable meal options slightly more palatable.  Not shown is the fresh salsa I'll be picking up on the way home tomorrow night which will be dumped on everything, except the Pop-Tarts which will be moistened with (someone else's) coffee.

You may have noticed there is no beer anywhere in the picture.  There are two reasons for this.

I will be traveling with many souls to the race.  Laura, Madonna, Brian, Jana, Sonya, and most importantly, Jordan.  Jordan is providing The Hub/Pisgah Tavern sprinter for our journey.

The Hub/Pisgah Tavern is very down with Oskar Blues.   Draw your own conclusions.

Secondly, I just love buying beer in Pennsylvania.  They have the most creative rules, laws, guidelines, and mystical methods regarding the purchasing of beer.

You can buy a six pack on a Tuesday as long as you also purchase a BBQ sammich.

You can't buy a case of beer on a Sunday, unless you promise to finish the entire case before church the following Sunday.

Beer may not be purchased for a minor unless said minor has been standing in the parking lot soliciting assistance in the acquisition of said beer for more than 45 minutes AND says he needs it to get laid.  This only applies to Friday and Saturday nights.  Otherwise it's a felony.

You can only walk out with as much beer as you can carry, but you can go back into the store and buy more after dropping your already purchased beer in the trunk.

I don't think I'm making that one up.

So yes, this is how I will fuel my efforts or lack thereof.

TSE is a build up for June, which should ready me for BC Bike Race, which should leave me either fully prepared or totally blown for my final ORAMM... my last attempt at breaking five hours thirty minutes.

Stupid, I know, but my guidance counselor told me I should have goals.  He just wasn't very helpful at selecting them.

Pay no attention to the Thomson Elite Dropper post in the previous pictures.  I have mounted it, played with it, and ogled it for the last forty or so hours, but have not had a chance to ride it.  The Meat Carver sits on the floor next to my bench so I can toggle the lever and squish it whenever I walk by.  Sadly, it does not fit on the bike I am taking to TSE, so it will have to sit and wait a couple weeks for its first ride.

Golly, it is nice though.

I can almost get past the aesthetic muddling addtional cable on my single speed.

*Devon Balet's image from the Soggy Chamoix Tour


Captain Penguin, PhD said...

I miss the crazy quaker beer laws from my home state. There's something magical about going into a distributor (magical beer warehouse) and being forced to buy a lot of beer since you can only by cases.

K Jacobson said...

Try almond butter on the microwaved sweet potatoes. If you're really feeling daring, add cinnamon.

I take no responsibility for you needing a change of trousers or founding a new religion as a result of this experience.

Matt said...

I find it amazing that people eat pop-tarts before actual physical activity. I tried it after reading about an AT thru hiker that ate only pop-tarts... I was starving an hour later after the sugar rush ended.