Thursday, May 22

The 2014 Trans-Sylvania Single Speed Extravaganza Extraordinaire Epic (TSSSEEE)

Cycling News dot Com did a fine job covering the favorites for the 2014 Trans-Sylvania Epic male and female classes.  I even saw a nice press release on the locals that will be competing and the junior class that will be racing in between naps and recess.  They're so cute when they sleep.

I know every cycle racing fan out there is thinking, "What about the single speeders?  The class with no class? Are they not worthy of mention?"

Yes, they are.  Cycling News just ran outta bandwidth for the month (my best guess).  Never satisfied with being left out of the coverage, I managed to contact one of the remaining industry insider douchebags that doesn't know that I've been gulaged from the inner circle.  I got my virtual hands on the unpublished article.  Here it is... enjoy.

The Best Single Speed Field Since Last Year Readies Itself to See Who Can be the Last Man Standing at the 2014 Trans-Sylvania Epic

The NoTubes Trans-Sylvania Epic (TSEpic) is drawing a field of single speeders to race its seven-day mountain bike stage race from May 25 to May 31, 2014. Some of the fastest single speed endurance mountain bike racers (that can attend and were sober enough at one point to enter) will converge near State College, Pennsylvania for a race many affectionately call "Singletrack Summer Camp"... others call it "The Great Week of Liver Damage and Shame."  Same thing.

The 2013 single speed champion, Matt Ferrari, plans on making another run at the top spot on the podium.  He's been pressing his podium Carhartts and polishing his belt buckle in preparation.

Matt seen here in his natural habitat (lurking in the shadow of Gerry "The Pflug" Pflug).
We tried to catch up with him for an interview, but he's gone out of the country for unexplained reasons.

He finally responded to one of our several voice mails, quickly sending us a few hurried texts.

One instigator that might give Ferrari a challenge is Kurt Jingleheimerschmidt AKA The Angry Singlespeeder AKA The Angry.  The Angry has been making the rounds all over North America lately.  He rode along in a support vehicle at the Tour of California, attended a product launch in North Carolina, and made lots of friends at the Sea Otter earlier this year.

The Angry decided to come out to race the TSEpic after spending a life-changing week with Rich Dillen at the Breck Epic last year.  "He was just the coolest, most handsome, charismatic, talented, deep, thoughtful, courageous man I've ever met.  If he's doing something, I want to be there.   Deep down, I wish I was him.  I think most people feel that way.  How could they not?"

Hailing from somewhere out west that no one cares about, John Merriam is returning for his second TSEpic.  When he competed in the 2011 event, he was leading the 40+ class until an unfortunate mechanical incident allowed Garth "Sideshow Bob Buju Banton" Prosser to steal the win from him.

"I'm really worried about going head to head against Rich Dillen.  I heard that a week ago he beat Garth "Sideshow Bob Buju Banton" Prosser so bad that he gave up racing forever.  For realz, bro.  People said there were tears.  Tears.  I don't like to cry.  Moisture is getting hard to come by back home."

Chris Merriam will be coming back for his fourth TSEpic.  Last year, he avoided taking a serious lashing from a stacked single speed field by hiding in the Duo Coed category.

"I planned on winning the entire thing back in 2012 with a late attack in the last stage that should have easily reeled in the three hours I needed in order to take the lead from Dejay, but then we found a lost hiker in the woods who was stumbling around, pushing a bike and screaming something about dancing on tables.  I just can't leave a man in the woods like that... did I mention I'm packing my Sprinter van with enough beer for every single speeder.  That's a promise."

Dirt Rag is a big supporter of the TSEpic, and no race would be complete without one of their word smiths.  Eric McKeegan drew the short straw and is coming back for his third time.

"I don't know, man.  I was down in North Carolina at the Cane Creek product launch with The Angry... God, he couldn't stop talking about Rich Dillen.  Anyways, so he was all like 'Have you ever smelled his pillow?' and I just shut my eyes so hard until the next thing I knew, I was at Dirt Rag's Dirt Fest with a beer in my hand.  Dunno.  It was like that scene in Perks of Being a Wallflower except I don't think I punched anyone.  Hey, did you know they shot that movie in Pittsburgh?  Pretty cool.  I want to make a movie in Pittsburgh... I'm thinking something like Speed 3, except we do it on the Duquesne Incline.  Do you know anyone in Hollywood?"

Returning for his fifth year, veteran single speeder Rich Dillen should have this whole stage racing thing figured out by now.  This will be his 20th stage race since 2004, so there's no reason he shouldn't be rising to the top like that fecal remnant that refuses to be flushed down the drain.

Some say he's a favorite to win.  Others say he's a dark horse.  The rest say he's a washed-up has-been, industry insider douchebag pussy who needs to get a real job. 

"I've already got my required podium visits for 2014, so my ego doesn't need any further boosts to get through the year.  I mean, if Matt Ferrari pulls a Mike Wissell and gets ten flats in one stage... yeah, I'll take advantage of that.  My only real goals are to drink slightly less beer than last year, ride my bike, and get a massage from a World Champion single speeder.  Pretty much gonna be a layup, slam dunk-a-thon."

The single speeders are fortunate to have their own class this year, as there was a risk of the category being discarded.  According to Mike Kuhn, TSEpic Promoter, the one geared crowd was on thin ice for awhile.

"We thought about getting rid of the single speed class, but then we figured those idiots would come anyways.  It's like Thanksgiving... when you give the kids their own table.  No one wants boogers in their green bean casserole.  The grownups have adult business, and the kids can entertain each other with farts and poop jokes.  I mean, have you ever seen a single speeder wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom?  No, but with a little supervision and a small amount of discipline, everyone can have fun and no one has to eat boogers."

Look for the TSEpic to implode sometime between stages 7 and the infamous 8.


Sharks said...

Chris Merriam for the win

fatlip11 said...

Ooooh... aaah... nothing like a little SMACK talkin' to spice things up! Looks like it's on!