Thursday, February 26

Share the Wisdom Wednesdays (on Thursdays): Part Seventeen

This should actually be helpful.  To men.  Probably not women.

I now share with you the Grocery Store Man Rules of Engagement (AKA Brocery Rules).

Men are considered the logical thinkers of our species.  Unemotional.  Calculating.  Methodical.  So it pains me to admit, as a member of the wienered sex, that we fall apart when it comes to group grocery shopping.

I imagine that we've all been there before.  Road trip scenario.  Mancation.  Multiple friends in a group, pairs that are closer, guy who knows a guy.  We all get out of the car, walk into the store, separate into ones, twos and threes... and then everything falls apart and somehow an amount of time that can not be explained is lost.

Men wandering the aisles.  Looking for each other. 

"Is he over by the beer?"

"I wonder if he checked out already?"

"I wonder if he wants to split a pack of ten chicken breasts?"

"What's he doing in the feminine hygiene aisle?"

"I wonder if he's taking a dump?"

"Why am I all alone?  Where did everybody go?  Maybe I'll do a lap of the entire store looking for anyone I might recognize, and if that fails, I'll do another lap."

This should not be allowed to happen.

Go in with a game plan.  The first part of this plan is the agreement on one basic thing:

Go in, get what you need, take it to the register, pay for it, and then meet at the front of the store (outside or inside).

This is crucial.  Way too much time is wasted wondering where everyone is, if they've checked out yet, have they gone to the car, etc.  Eliminate this doubt.  When everyone is at the meeting point, GO... wherever it is you're going next.

If you are splitting some items with a close friend, STICK TOGETHER.  Hold hands if you must, but do not lose each other while one compares the caloric content of tuna packed in water VS oil and the other peruses the bagel options only to have to find each other to come to an agreement on which cuts of beef carcass you want to split.  At the very least, head directly to the decision products first and then split up from there. 

If you are dividing responsibilities (someone is buying beer, another toilet paper, another chips), decide BEFORE YOU GO INTO THE STORE.  You are not apes that were teleported into the aisles totally unaware of your basic needs.  You have a general idea how much things cost and such, so it shouldn't be too hard to sort that out ahead of time.

You should spend zero time looking for anyone.  Everyone should have their cell phones handy and the volume up.  Texting or calling is so much easier than crouching down and looking under shitter stall doors (and less creepier).

Of course, none of this is necessary.  Go ahead and waste a stupid amount of time on the collection of goods as opposed to getting to wherever you are going and actually having time to ENJOY your consumables.

I have no idea what groups of women do in grocery stores.  I'd like to think pillow fights and squirt guns are involved somehow...


Chip Batson said...


Anonymous said...

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