Tuesday, March 19

Anger Manager

I wanted to talk about the first few rides on the Carver 420, but I'll have to get to that later.

Last week, I mentioned an article over on MTBR written by the Angry Singlespeeder called Singlespeeds are for Angry People.  I thought it was his first article over on MTBR, but apparently he has been writing stuff for them since June 2010. Back then he was just Kurt Gensheimer, but in February of 2012 he took on the pen name Angry Singlespeeder.  Who is he?

"Kurt Gensheimer thinks the bicycle is man’s most perfect invention. He firmly believes ‘singlespeed’ is a compound word. He sometimes wears a disco ball helmet. He is also known as Genshammer. He is a Gemini and sleeps outside in a hammock."

This may or may not be him:

I can only devote so much time to research.

What he and I have in common are the following:
We are both Gemini

We both sleep in a hammock.

We both have polysyllabic last names.

We both own single speeds (well, he owns "singlespeeds").

I felt as if he and his article were worthy of half a blog post last week, but his most recent "mercurial musing" left me feeling as if someone shit in my eyes and walked me deep into a Walmart at noon on a Sunday.    

The Swiss Army Knife of Bikes, wherein he answers the age old question, “If you could have one – and only one – bicycle, which would it be?”

Kurt has six personal bikes to choose from:

*Ibis Tranny mountain bike (geared)

*Ibis Tranny mountain bike (singlespeed)

*Ibis Hakkalugi Disc cyclocross bike

*1980s Columbus-tubed Bianchi touring/cyclocross bike

*Bridgestone RB-1 road bike set up as a singlespeed/fixie

*1955 Miele Sport three-speed

Now let's get this straight. This is not about who's more singlespeedy.  It's just that I notice that the Angry Singlespeeder has a "quiver" that is 66.6% not single speeds.  Now I know why he's angry.

We all know that I have tried to embrace gears many times since I became a single speeder back in 2004.  I have lost many monies in pursuit of the geared dream and seen bikes come and go in as few as 47 days.  This has made me angry...  the denial of who I am at my marrow followed by the overwhelming urge to purge all the unclean shifty thoughts from my mind.  Over and over and over and over.

Yet I know if I had to choose one bike to be my one and only which I would choose.

And it would not be the bike chosen by the Angry Singlespeeder.

"... if I had one bike to rule all, it would actually have to be a cyclocross bike..."

and he goes on...

"... room for at least 38c tires, replaceable dropouts to run as either a geared bike or singlespeed, eyelets for racks or fenders, and oh yeah, it would have to be a breakaway bike so I can travel with it"

So if he could have only one bike it would be geared and single speed with fat and skinny tires with and without racks and a travel bike to boot.

Somehow I couldn't help but think of this bit by Brian Scott McFadden:

If you didn't watch the clip, what the Angry Singlespeeder wants is a gay football coach.

I do not want a gay football coach.

What I want is a burnt-out, alcoholic drill instructor with insomnia, an unbending will, and a penchant for doling out masochistic punishment.

One bike is one bike.  Fat tires, disc brakes, one speed, rigid fork, stupid gear... one bike.

That's the one bike I would have if it had to be one.  I don't care about being part of  the "hardest group road ride" because that does not gel with my misanthropic tendencies. Racks and fenders?  I have a messenger bag and a weathered ass that eventually dries out.  Travel bike?  As much as I think I want one, whenever I travel I'd still be wishing I was on my "one bike" and not my 2.5.

Maybe I am an angry single speeder, perhaps not as angry as Peter.

He's not an angry single speeder.  He's just an angry person who sells single speeds to other angry people.  Not assholes, just angry people.

In closing, there is no closing.  I'm just outta time this morning.  I could go on and on and on and on and on...

But I can't due to time constraints alone.  My anger, if that's what we are going to call it now, is deep rooted and infinite. I am a single speeder at my core.

It was not a choice.

I was born this way.


Peter Keiller said...

i'm not angry. i am appositionally opinionated.

Marc said...

when I read his stuff, I wonder if he's really been riding bikes for longer than 2 weeks. The angry single speed article was stupid.

I'm a crosser, I love cross. But frankly other than cross, a cross bike isn't really good for shit. It sucks as a mountainbike, and it sucks as a roadbike. It's perfect for- well cross.

anyway, good on you.

recovered single speeder 6 years

Unknown said...

Haha! Gay football coach. Maybe I should change my handle. You're clearly more angry than me. I dig your hate-filled take on my musings. I also dig your column in Dirt Rag. But I'm still pissed they got rid of the Old Coot. Been reading him since the early 90s.

Yeah, 66% of my fleet aren't singlespeeds, but I ride my singlespeed MTB 85% of the time, so suck it. It's okay to have a geared bike for those days when you want to ride slow. But you probably never do that because you're an angry man.

As I said, if forced to have one bike, I want it to be a bike that I can set up in several different configurations. So yeah, I want a bike that has big/skinny tires, a bike that has singlespeed/gears, a bike that has racks/no racks and a bike that is a bike/not a bike. Versatility...what a concept.

And no, that pic is not of me. It's the living legend, Rob "Hooptie" Evans dressed for our annual EuroTrash ride.

Now go donkey punch something.

The Gay Football Coach Formerly Known as The Angry Singlespeeder

dicky said...

I am the new Old Coot. I just have a better editor.

Rob said...

Love the witty banter...

I kind of only have one bike (other bike is in pieces and won't be rideable for the forseeable future.

Rigid, SS, 29er. What sort of prize do I get?

John Parker said...

kinda random that a pic from the charlotte winter short track (9 of 14) make it into the slide show at the bottom of the "artical"

dicky said...

Good eye, John Parker.

Andrea Wilson also made the slideshow. She's not angry, just disgruntled.

The Los said...

Yeah, I'm also wondering why an "Angry Singlespeeder" has so many geared bikes. Maybe sell off the geared Tranny, set up the Hakka as a 1-speed, sell off the shifty bits, and buy yourself sumthin' pretty.
I used to live and work in San Diego, and most of the time I was there I was in my "fixed for on- and off-road" phase. In fact, most of the time I rode my '99 Surly "Cross-Check, fixed, on the trails at Daly Ranch, Penasquitos, Sycamore Canyon, and whatever people are now callong that stuff right off of Poway and Pomerado.
But I agree about CX bikes. It's just that mine is a single speed, with mini-Vs.

Rob said...

John Parker- that's my fault. There was an MTBR thread about "post your angry SS face" and I posted that picture up there. Didn't realize it would make me famous!

Anonymous said...

Do you two suck each other all the time?