Thursday, January 15

I break loops and trample shit

For some odd reason when I went to bed last night I told The Pie I had no blog fodder for today's post. This morning when I awoke from a strange dream about being in a warehouse and moving plastic things around (I might be reading this blog too much) my first thought was "Shit, I still got nothing". This might have something to do with the fact that I was given a creative writing assignment yesterday, and maybe I only can produce something of quality once in a 24 hour period. Maybe it's because I'm coming down with something since I have a sore throat and achy joints... dunno.

So as I sit here slumped in my chair I feel forced to go dumpster diving for material. What follows is a dredge of a post.

I've had people come over to my house for bicycular help in the past who haven't been in my bike room before. The first thing one sees upon entering is my Commodore 64... err I mean my Gateway computer, the home made keyboard shelf, and my new (to me) 150lb $13 monitor. More than one of them has said "So this is where it happens". Yes, this is where IT happens, but there is so much more to see and do at Bad Idea Racing headquarters, so for lack of a better topic today I now present Part One (I'll resort to Part Two if I find myself stymied in the future) of my virtual tour of Bad Idea Racing.

Here is the SSSS Area (Shitty Shelving Storage System):

pic is clicky make biggy for details

These rickety shelves belonged to my father and if I know him they probably cost him $.25 at an auction or a flea market. They're probably @ 30+ years old, but shitty shelves from the 70's are the equivalent of decent shelves of the 2000's, so they have held up fine over the years.

Enough history, let's talk about today. Up on the top shelf (the one I can't reach unless I stand on the chair at the bottom of the picture that I took outta my neighbor's garbage) has all the cold weather stuff that doesn't really get used much in Charlotte (well, except this weekend when it will be 9 degrees). Long tights, mittens, balaclavas... you name it. Hardly worth mentioning, but remember, I'm desperate today.

The second shelf down has all my arm and knee warmers along with my tube supply (not to be confused with my Air Supply which is kept handy near the entertainment system). I do my best to keep my tubes orderly since I have 26", 29", lite 29", cyclocross, work, and road tubes up there. I dive into the pile once and awhile, and eventually it becomes all disorganized forcing me to re-organize them into tidy arrangements. Anal meet retentive. My watch, goggles, and children's pictures also reside here as I don't wear my watch, never use the goggles, and don't have a wallet in which to put wallet sized photos.

Which brings us to the third shelf. Now we're getting into Bad Idea Racing territory. Here's where I keep the following handy things handy:

Blinkies: I've found countless blinkies at 24 hour races (yes, I used to stop in the middle of a 24 hour race and pick up blinkies, pumps, coats, tubes, used condoms... anything I thought I could use myself)

Performance eyewear: Race enough and you'll have a shelf full of Tifosi's and Ryder's. This is where I keep the go-to riding glasses. In a perfect world it would be a shelf full of Serpico's in every frame and lense option.

Chamois butter, mustard packets, electrolytes, Icy Hot, Emergen-C's, and a useless saddle bag that I has no straps, yet I can't bring myself to throw it away.

Let's move on to shelf number four. This is truly a waste of space, but somehow it just happened that way. Here's what ended up on this what should be a useful area, but in actuality wasted prime real estate:

Winter hats: What Canadianicans call tuques (they are so smug with their little cute names for things, aren't they?). Useful for keeping my head warm when I head out the door sans bike, and for keeping my hair growth outta The Pie's line of sight.

Fashion eyewear: These are the sunglasses that are handed out a races that make no sense out on the trail. Once again, they have no purpose on a bike shelf, but if I leave them laying around The Pie will throw them in the key basket (why do women put everything in baskets?). Any Serpico's on that shelf? Negatory.

Sundrious items that include chapstick, MP3 players, eyedrops, Gold Bond powder (why the hell is that in my room?), cowbells, bungee cords, and four dozen sunglass protective sock things.

The bottom shelf contains useful items, but in extravagant quantities. On the left I have what seems like 1,000 cycling caps. Most of them have accidentally gone through a wash/dry cycle rendering them warped, cracked, or rotted. It seems like most cycling caps are deigned to have the life span of the average fruit fly. At least I have some Walz caps in there that have stood the test of time to make me feel like a more thoughtful consumer...

On the right side of the bottom shelf is a collection of gloves. I have no idea how many pairs are stacked up there, but I am aware of the fact that I have a problem. Kinda like Mel Gibson's character in Conspiracy Theory where he felt the overwhelming urge to by a copy of Catcher in the Rye when he was feeling anxious I think I might have some Manchurian Candidate/CIA sleeper killer like traits that have been hypnotically and chemically laced into my psyche. Two days ago I was in Auto Zone looking at Mechanix Gloves, and even yesterday I couldn't stop looking at work gloves at Little Hardware. With the innauguration around the corner I'm considering the thought of handcuffing myself to a radiator just in case.

Other various artifacts you may see if you look hard enough (see if you can find them):

Run Club gear (untouched for months)

Copy of Dirt Rag that I can't bring myself to throw in the recycling bin since I'm mentioned in the La Ruta article

Ammo can full of gels (with a "SUCK IT F**KTARD sticker inside the lid)

SPD sandals at the ready

Sure you can see my Ghandi "Real beauty is my aim" poster, but can you see my Einstein "Imagination is more important than knowledge" poster?

FYI: I'm warning you ahead of time. There may be more posts lacking in real substance in the near future. Prepare yourself.

Late edit: This post took so long that Big Worm beat me to the publishing finish line today. Bastard.

Even later edit: RIP Khan. You will be remembered.


indiefab said...

A big cardboard box with the color GOLD written in Sharpie. What came in that? Does it glow when you open it like the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?

the original big ring said...

Hey ya hoser, unless you're a Frenchy, 'tuque' is spelled "toque" OR "touque". How's that for smug . . . and cute . . . like me.

P.s. what's mustard good for? I've heard someone (maybe you?) using it before.


Anonymous said...

The box is for a GOLD Niner fork. Dicky telling us he is off the rigid fork, yet there is evidence of a new (as in GOLD is the newest) Niner rigid fork. Just like an addict to lie to his friends and hit the "habit" when he thinks no one is looking.

You got some 'splainin to do Rich. Spill it. Tell the peeps. We want to hear what you have to say for yourself and this rigid fork.

Anonymous said...

Do ya think there's any coincidence that your dad picked up the shelves for .25 and you grabbed the chair from the trash?

bentcrank said...

Mustard is good for cramps.

Hey, do you have a need for a fancy articulating keyboard? I could hook a brother up if needed. Maybe you could type at a more ergo angle and save those gurly wrists.

dicky said...

indiefab - That was just the box some quishy shifty rider sent me an old skool rigid Niner fork in.

OBR - Whatever. Wikipedia is NEVER wrong.

~E - No coincidence whatsoever.

BC - A local good guy (Blair) hooked me up on the ergo train. Thanks though.

The Ghost of Jerry Reed said...

Thanks for the Wu Reference, it made the office's day. We've started distributing their 12" singles oddly enough. They're selling like hot cake.

Matt McFee said...

A dredge job indeed...but for us new readers it was somewhat educational.

Anonymous said...

Love it!!!
You should see my joint.
I'm on the 6 month trade in program... living off chicks.
Anyhow, I over extended my stay at the current girlfriend's joint and I have bike shit everywhere.
In the basement, in the bedroom, and in the bathroom even.
Your shelving unit kinda looks like mine in the basement.

I ain't got time for cleaning...
Damn, does the girlfriend ever get mad!
I gotta get myself on the 6 months program again. Its good for my hygene, its good for my sole (less yelling cause the girls don't see the dirty side of me), and its good for an all out sex fest! (boyz, in case you didn't notice, girls give good loven' during the first couple of months of meeting then it dies down to almost little drops of pee).

Use to love the 6 month trade in program.


Anonymous said...

What's this, like 2000 words on your equipment shelf? You are truly insane.