Thursday, February 5

UPS Underground Mystery EXPOSED

I knew there was something fishy going on...

I emailed Grant at Swiftwick weeks ago about getting some socks for the 2009 Season of Total Domination. Things started to smell rotten in Denmark when Grant started making excuses for the non-appearance of the socks. I decided to look into it.

Here's the original email exchange:

Dicky: Hey Grant, think I can get some really great new socks for the 2009 season. I would so appreciate it.
Love, Dicky

gRant: Sure Dickless. U R so my BFF. I would give you anything you want. Socks? Sure. I mean it's the least I could do for the guy who has me ROTFLMAO every day. You're my hero. I just wish you had more heroic feet so that you could wear even more of our socks at once. Socks are on their way.

Days go by....

Dicky: Hey Grant, no worries here. but I haven't seen the socks yet. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay with you. No pressure. Just looking forward to getting my feet into some of the bestest socks on the planet.
Love, Dicky

gRant: Listen puke, the socks are on their way. We've shipped them VIA the cheapest option available since you're our least favorite sponsored athlete. It's not like you're Dejay Birtch and you deserve Overnight Priority First Thing AM Air Delivery. Pipe down little man... you should see your socks before too long. UPS Underground shipping isn't that bad between TN and NC.

Dicky: UPS Underground? I don't see that as an option on the UPS website.

gRant: Are you calling me a liar? It's a new thing to save money in these hard times. UPS has employed thousands of burrowing gophers to delivery non-priority packages thus saving on gas, wages, and brown shorts. We know you're one of those eco-friendly hippy types, so we went this route so you didn't have to feel bad about the carbon footprint created in order to get these socks to your door.

Dicky: Really?

gRant: OMG. You don't believe me? Here's one of the little guys leaving our Swiftwick headquarters just yesterday headed to SSlohio Rob's house loaded down with a bunch of extra small prototypes for his little girl feet.

Dicky: Oh, I'm sorry I doubted you for a second. You've always treated me so well in the past... I shoulda known you had my best interests in mind.

One week later...

Dicky: Hey Grant, I haven't seen the socks yet. Any idea what's up?

gRant: OMG!! WTF is wrong with you?? The UPS tracking info has it under Gastonia right now. Dangerous territory for a soft meated, attractive mammal, but we sent out multiple shipments knowing that some of the furry little guys might not make it out alive or unmarried.

One week later...

Dicky: gRant, shouldn't they be here by now?

gRant: Things don't look so good. Don't you watch the news you insensitive bastard? Seventeen gophers lost their lives trying to get your socks through Gastonia. Have a heart.

Dicky: Sorry man. I didn't know. Don't worry about the socks. Please send my condolences to the gopher widows.

A few days later I get this email:

Grant: Sorry Dicky. Thad tried to lift my wallet a few weeks ago at the Tap Room (editor note: this is where the Swiftwick squad gets dance lessons, I guess). He accidentally got my Blackberry and has been in control of my email account ever since. I'm sorry if he was having his "fun" with you. I hope you know that we would never treat our NUMBER ONE ATHLETE with anything less than the full respect you deserve. To make it up to you I am sending a care package that is filled to the brim with quality Swiftwick socks in a variety of shapes and sizes. Thad is now on Swiftwick probation, and will be testing our new sandpaper chamois in the near future.
Your BFF,

And wouldn't you know it my socks are here. I only wished I had more heroic feet so I could wear more than one pair at a time.

More later....


Anonymous said...

I hope all this talk about gophers doesn't reignite your gerbil fetish. Remember all the therapy you had to go through to overcome.

Arleigh said...

It sounds like you need to buy some catnip for your gophers to be able to get over the Gastonia/Bessemer City line