Thursday, July 23

Making ORAMM plans...

or not.

Yeah, there's been a lack of ORAMM hype around here this week. Not sure what that's about. I have been thinking about it, but to be honest I've been pretty scatterbrained about when it comes to ORAMM this year. The Meatplow gets back into town VIA the brown bus today, so at least tonight I'll have a little bit of focus. Other than that my brain is just everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Mike Piazza (coach, general manager, chef, soigneur, attorney, directeur sportif, mascot, and financial planner at Bad Idea Racing) has been voicing his concerns regarding my lack of proper preparedness for the biggest race on the international cycling calender. He thinks we should be going in with a plan since ORAMM will once again be race radio free, and he will not be able to talk to me from the support vehicle. To say he is disappointed with my lackadaisical attitude would be an understatement.
"What gear you gonna run this year Dick? You know the 19 hasn't failed you for the past two years... perhaps we, errrr I mean you, should ramp it up with an 18 tooth. Stick it to them, y'know. Perhaps a 22 tooth like you ran at Breck Epic, spin up those mountains like Lance... unnnhhh more like the Schleck brothers."

"What about a nutrition plan Dick? Did you snag a lot of Hammer product from the Breck Epic like I told you to? This is all you came back with? Doesn't matter, with a cool name like Hammer I'm sure this will be enough. Where's the Hammer? Here comes the Hammer!!! Do you think they make Hammer pants in my size? When is Hammer gonna make a single speed specific flavor, like PBR or Ramen Noodle?"

"What are you gonna carry Dick? I know you've done this race with zero mechanicals for four years, but you gotte be prepared Dick. What if the Italians throw a frame pump through your front wheel? Where's your spoke wrench? You gotta be ready for the Italians. They keep saying on that this is their year to take the single speed category at ORAMM. Did you know that? don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. You know they hate you over there, don't you. Buncha nihilistic pricks."

"Have you googled your competition yet Dick? What do mean there's too many names to google? You've got all the time in the world at work, what with the recession and all. You ain't got nothing better to do, and you're bored. What, do you think you're the only one who can toss in an Axl Rose quote? You know I'd google them for you, but my hands are permanently affixed to my baseball glove. We need intel boy. We must figure out who amongst these names are linked to the Italians."

"What are you gonna wear Dick? Go with the brilliant blue MOOTSkit and let the world know you're coming out... I mean coming after them? Go with the stealth black Johnny Cash business suit and take the sex, drugs, and rock and roll kit to the podium? Want me to put in a phone call to MOOTSheadquarters and demand the MOOTSkinsuit? You know people fear skinsuits. Think you could lose those extra six pounds and get down to your summer bathing suit weight? Nobody's gonna be afraid of a pregnant toothpick."

I think I might need some help. My eye is on the prize, but my other eye is on... well let's just say I got a Marty Feldman thing going on here and leave it at that.

Despite all rumors Bad Idea Racing WILL NOT be sponsoring Lance's team next year. I might be able to hook him up with a few Awesome Straps, but that's about it.


Peter Keiller said...

"The best kind of adversity preparation is none at all"
General Custer.

Luis G. said...

Got my Big 40 awesome strap, it's awesome...

The thought of rocking an 18t the second time up Kitsuma brings tears to my eyes...

Anonymous said...

I want Mike as my coach!

Anonymous said...

"Nobody's gonna be afraid of a pregnant toothpick." Man that is a line to remember. I darn near peed me trousers.