Waiting is not the hardest part, Tom

Getting the Meatplow back from Durango proved almost as hard as it was for Matt McFee to pry it outta the hands of the FedEx Ground personnel the night before I showed up in Colorado. I shipped it on a Monday evening, and by last Friday it was in Charlotte. It showed up at the FedEx Ground facility around 5:00pm that evening, and even though it was just 15 miles from my house I couldn't have it back till Monday. That forced me to ride the yet to be named Zion with its (as some of you pointed out yesterday) "lowly" Thomson post as opposed to the high zoot MOOTSpost that my ass is used to.

Not having the Meatplow readily available I was forced to ride the yet to be named Zion all weekend. The Pie and the rest of the family were outta town, so I planned on getting some quality riding in while I had the opportunity. It's not like the Zion is a bad ride, but once you've ridden a custom frame that was custom made for your custom needs it's a little hard to go backwards. Anyways... any ride is better than no ride.

So on Saturday I drove past the FedEx Ground facility by a couple of miles on my way to the mountains with Bill Nye to meet up with Eric "PMBAR Honcho" Wever. We were going to go for a soggy ride in the mountains that went from an epic plan to an almost equally epic fail. None of us wanted to spend the whole day wet, so we chose a shorter 2.5 hour ride in Bent Creek as opposed to an all day soaking in the Pisgah Proper.

Long live long rides, but short rides have their place... I guess.

Sunday I had plans to go explore some trails I've never seen before in the Uwharrie National Forest. That area was plowed by rain, so I ended up going to the Anne Springs Close Greenway trails with Stabby and Eric Van Driver. I love going there, although it's a bit of a drive and it costs $3, but the powers that be have removed even more trail from the "bike friendly" list. It's almost not worth the drive anymore...

What was I talking about... oh yeah, getting my bike back.

So I shipped my bike back from Durango "no signature required", and of course at 8:30am Monday morning the tracking number showed that the driver came to my house, but nobody was available, so he didn't leave the package. Meh... what's the point? I really wanted the bike back on Monday since the family was still outta the house for a few more hours for a quiet rebuild, so I had to call FedEx, go home after work and kill 1.5 hours, and then drive out to pick it up myself. That's service.

Shipping my bike in a cardboard box always give me such a sense of security.

Now I've got the Meatplow back, and I have no races on the horizon till next year (that I know of). Since I got some time to goof around I figured I'd do something a little different...

Why?
In the words of Bluto Blutarsky, "Brrrpppp, why not?"

I had my MOOTO X designed so I could put a fork on it if my wrists never healed back up in a happy way. Since they were doing much better this summer (long story) I never bothered to mount up the 100mm Fox Fjork to the Meatplow, but now that I don't have any racing going on I figured why not see how it works with the squish mounted up. There won't be any riding this weekend (an even longer story than the wrist story), but I plan on squirting out to the trails Thursday evening to see how it feels. Driveway testing suggests that it will be pleasant, but then again driveway testing had me thinking that the brakes on the yet to be named Zion were in proper working order before I went riding last weekend (they were not).

Doh...

Almost forgot, today is probably the last day you can click to vote. You know what to do.

Awesome gets awesomer

Before I left for Durango I had mentioned that Backcountry Research had some new stuff coming soon, but the website was being updated at the time. The site has been updated since that time (actually a long time ago), and I recently got a chance to play with the latest product they have to offer: The Awesome Strap Alpha Niner.

I gotta get those guys a MOOTSpost to brighten things up a bit. That generic black post is less than awesome.

Tube, CO2, mutli tool, and empty tube box sold separately

Obviously that is a professional photo, and not an image I took while I was playing with my new bicycling accessory. The new Alpha Niner is the same length as the Back Forty, but it is a full 1.5" wide to handle larger loads with a whole lotta extra security. I decided to see if I could get everything I need for a "local ride" into the strap and free up my jersey pockets for berry picking or perhaps figure out if I could ride around shirtless more often than Brian Lopes.

Here's everything I "need" for a local ride:

*Tube (although I hardly ever flat, and it's easy as shit to walk out of any trail in Charlotte)
*4 & 5 mm allen keys (for re-adjusting parts I maladjusted the night before the ride)
*spare PC-1 master link (even though I've never broken a PC-1)
*chain tool with built in tire lever (also redundant for all the above reasons)
*big Maxxis tire lever (it looks pretty cool in the strap, and I think it works on non Maxxis tires)
*Crank Brothers Power Pump (the most awesome little pump ever)

And here's all that shit wrapped up tight and secure with the Alpha Niner:

Yes, I installed it upside down, but I meant to do that.

The coolest thing about the new 2010 Awesome Straps is that they incorporated an idea of mine. I noticed that some larger legged folks had some issues with rubbage on their inner thighs when mounted towards the top of the seatpost. I mentioned it to the design guru, and he hastily went to work on the idea, and voila... it was done. Although I had no idea how to put my idea into action (I could barely explain it) they figured out a way to pull it off quite simply, and they even came up with a cool marketing term for it.

"We’ve integrated the NEW “Overlock” design feature to enhance finish, provide lock down control and to eliminate any potential abrasion and pilling to your shorts."

Just when I thought I was the master of babble someone goes and outbabbles me. I can't wait to get the Awesome Strap lunch box when it comes out(it's all about merchandising). And just so no one feels cheated when they buy one of the other Awesome Straps from Backcountry Research all the new 2010 Awesome Straps have the "Overlock" design feature that I am somewhat marginally responsible for, so everybody who gets one will have a little Dick between there legs in 2010. Who doesn't want that?

Still confused? Watch the video and see what the hell I'm talking about.



So just one ride in I can tell that the new strap is a winner. All my minimal gear stayed in place, and I didn't have to listen to a bunch of clatter rattling around in a seat bag trying to wear a hole in my tube nor did I have a bunch of pokey crap poking me so pokably in my back.

So what do I have against seat bags? Nothing. Everything. I've gone through quite a few of them in my time. Either I have to get one that's a little too big for everything I wanna carry and my junk ends up jangly, or I have to lubricate my tools to get them properly squozen into the confined space and get the zipper to shut. Even when I secured them down with a toe strap they still ended up wiggling around just enough that eventually they got holes worn in them, or in the case of La Ruta in only took four days of abuse to render it useless. So I can buy a seatbag made in China (more than likely) that's basically disposable every year (or after a coupla long days in the muck), or I can get a nice strap made here in the US and A that holds whatever I deem necessary on that given day to make great bike race. Great success!!

So go ahead and get Awesome already. The straps are plenty cheap ($9.95-$11.95), and if you tell them I sent you they'll probably just say "That's nice, please enter your credit card information for the full amount, and might we suggest you keep your distance from that little man. We like him a lot, but what we like best about him is that he lives on the east coast and we do business from the west coast. We heard he smells funny. Oh anyways, you probably don't wanna hear all that. You probably just wanted a strap. Hey, have I ever told you about the time I went fly fishing with Steve Buscemi and Al Gore? Well....".

Maybe it's best that you don't mention me and avoid all the small talk.

BTW: Time is running out for the Misfit Psycles Pfopsularity Crontrest. Voting is as simple as clicking a link. This link will not take you to any porn, although you may disgusted by what you see. I would apologize, but it's not my website. Put me on a Nummers, if for no better reason than the fact that you will only waste three seconds of your day doing so. A whopping 6% of you obliged yesterday, so thank you loyal supporters. It's good to know you're behind me (all 6% of you).

SSWC09 Part Three: Wanted Dead or Alive

After the events of the following days I had burnt all my SSWC matches. Once the basketball game was over I headed back to the room with George and Mandy. It was a pleasant, somewhat surreal ride on a bike path next to a burbling river with the mountains in the background. We discussed what we should do with our remaining two days in Durango. Things had to be worked out, and I would definitely have to rally if I was gonna come through in the ninth inning.

Sunday we could either try to get out for a ride or watch bike polo all day. Bike polo it is. All the cool kids were gonna be there, so why not at least try to be as cool as the cool kids.

Cool kids (in the background) and me, Fuzzy, and George

photo cred: Mandy

Watching bike polo with Fuzzy, Ernesto, Dejay, etc while the likes of Buck, Jake, Christina, and Tommawicki swung mallets was some sort of fun. Like watching TV... without commercials but with drastic changes in temperature and periodic rain. In between matches (or maybe during) I did my best to save up some energy for a ride on Monday.

photo cred: Mandy

Somehow after the final polo matches we ended up with all the cool kids in a room full of stragglers and locals. The hanger ons and the got no better place to be's... in a big room pulling tables together for one last hurrah before going our separate ways. A fitting end had it been the end for us...

On Monday Mandy really wanted to get Matt McFee to drive us way the hell outta town for some epic adventure on Hermosa Creek. I was worried we'd never pull it off in time to get the bikes packed and dropped at the local shipping facility before they closed. George agreed, and the least adventurous majority ruled. We headed out to the Horse Gulch area for a spin on the in-town trails and up into the surrounding mountains. About an hour into the ride George's knee had enough and told George to turn around. Mandy and I ventured further out and saw just a little more of what Durango had to offer. It was awesome.

So, in conclusion....

SSWC09 was spectacular. The event was over the top, the course was superb, and the atmosphere was... well just what you would expect from 1,000+ scuzzy, almost vagrant, single speeders. The folks behind the scenes really pulled one off for the ages. I have no idea how they did it. On top of all that I would really recommend that everybody who loves to mountain bike visit Durango before they die. The riding was just breathtaking and the variety of terrain and scenery just can't be described well enough with words. The altitude wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and the town, although a bit kitschy (I mean that with a lot of respect) was as inviting to mountain bikers as any I've ever seen. The only problem I have now is figuring out how I'm gonna get back there before I die (again).

And as I said before I left, a big thanks to George and Mandy of Bike 29, Matt McFee of Hermosa Tours, and the folks at Backcountry Research for making my SSWC09 dreams come true.

BTW: The Misfit Psycles Pfopsularity Crontrest ends this Thursday. If you want to see what the hell I would do with a 26" wheeled dirt jump/park bike click on this link like one hundred times or something.

SSWC09 Part Two: Now with stolen pictures

This photo was taken by Scott Showen at the exact last moment that I had to turn things around Friday night.

I coulda kept the train on the tracks, or I coulda headed into the Derailed Saloon to start my own personal rave. I coulda kept the party going into that good night, or I coulda went to Denny's and ordered a Grand Slam and a pitcher of water. Coulda, shoulda, woulda... goudah.

Even though I had only had 3.5 meals in the last four days (thanks Shanna for giving me your leftovers) and my beer to coffee to water ratio was somewhere in the neighborhood of 6:3:1 I had a tough decision to make. I left the Meatplow outside and chose the path that grown men fear and smarter men avoid.

photo cred: Singletrackworld.com

Why leave the Meatplow outside? Because there's no parking baby, no parking on the dance floor.

So I woke up Saturday morning dehydrated and sore from hours of busting moves and feeling good vibrations. I walked across the street with George and Mandy and tried to convince a breakfast burrito to jump into my mouth to reduce the effort required to eat it. It was not going to be a good day.

When I made it to the start line I had to pick a place I felt was appropriate for a rider of my stature in my current condition, so I lined up right behind the area that was going to be reserved for the serious riders. No one bothered to fill in that reserved area, so I ended up in the front row in front of JHK and Heather Irmiger with one rider keeping my elbows from touching Deadly Nedly's. Not where I should be, but screw it. At least I would get to see a parade go by at the start of my day.

I was dead on that I would see a lot of people go by at the start. I had nothing to give, so I sat back and soft pedaled as a large portion of the 1,000+ rider field went by. When I got to the hike-a-bike it was standing room only, and I passed the time talking to the rider behind me. I thought I knew her, and after awhile I knew she was she before she knew I was me. Carrie Edwards and I used to race for Ellsworth Team Twenty Four back in the day. She probably didn't recognize me right away as I've gotten much more handsome, and I had a hard time figuring out who she was as she used to wear more clothing eight years ago.

photo cred: From HuckNroll's facebook page

Once we got to the top of the climb it was obvious to me I was gonna run way the hell outta water before I made it to the second loop. I had chosen fashion over function and worn my useless pink Primal Wear AC/DC women's jersey The Pie had bought me for Christmas. Since I couldn't carry a water bottle in my single, baggy, useless pocket I only had 40oz of water to get me through... unhhh... I dunno. How long is this course? Twenty five miles? Shit.

On the ridge line descent I was careful around the precarious portions, but I did manage to go over the bars and end up laying next to the cliff's edge once. After that I was much more careful in the sections where death was possible, and I completed the first loop alive, but with only a swallow of water to get around the second loop.

The second loop is somewhat of a blur. I got a few sips of water here and there from spectators. At one point I sat down in the shade to enjoy one of those sips. I rode as slow as I could to avoid cramping and hiked a lot of the smaller climbs. I was passed by dozens of riders including Peter, Shanna, Mike Maggs, and Greg Herbold... although I held his wheel for awhile, I mean why not? It's Greg Herbold afterall, so why wouldn't I try to stay with him and teach him how to downhill?

I'm pretty sure I'm pushing up a flat section here.

photo cred: From HuckNroll's facebook page

Although I would guess that the second loop took me no more than 1.5 hours it felt like forever. My mouth was parched and I didn't want to bother anyone I didn't know for more water, so I rode along waiting for people I knew to have pity on me (Peter had none... pity not water). Anyways I rolled in to the finish way later than I ever woulda guessed. I laid down for awhile until dRjOn rejuvinated me with a very warm cheese sandwich he pulled outta his Camelbak.

Although there was beer at the finish I was water for the next 24 hours... even during the basketball game at the Ska Brewery.

photo cred: Singletrackworld.com

SS World Championship basketball or a scene from next summer's blockbuster movie Teen Wolf VS Predator: A Love Story? You decide.

More on Monday, I guess.

SSWC09... so it began to begin

So last Wednesday I was up at 4:00am EST and two flights later I found myself in a car for seven hours with George and Mandy Wissell of Bike 29 bound for Durango. Here's a messy synopsis of everything that happened to me thereafter....

Once we got to Durango with one meal in our bellies from some strange Asian burger joint in the middle of Nowhere, CO we were hardly settled into our room when Dejay called George from the Ska Brewery. Apparently whatever was "happening" was happening there, and we needed to be there if we wanted to be part of what's "happening". We drug our weary bodies back out onto the road and headed over to the brewery to enjoy some colorful beers with some colorful folks... and Dejay, Tommawicki, and Fuzzy were there too. We stayed much too late and then went home satiated from our filling beer suppers.

The next morning we were all feeling a bit rough, but we needed to fetch our bike boxes from Matt McFee at Hermosa Tours. Three bike boxes do not fit in a Hyundai Sonata, so we borrowed Dejay and Tommwicki's rolling love shack to get our bikes out of their brown confinement units. Once we retrieved and built our lovely machines (some lovelier than others) we registered and made plans to hop on a Hermosa Tours shuttle up to some high point on the Colorado trail some 20 miles from town.

Why were people telling me "Nice outfit"?

Photo cred: George

Around 3:30PM the van filled with riders each of whom had a different level of preparedness. Some had Camelbaks with no spare clothes or lights (George), some brought the minimum of tools, a rain coat, and two bottles of water (me), while some brought less than I would carry on a grocery store run (Paul from SRAM). The van dropped us off, people rode off into the distance with the instructions "follow the Colordao Trail till you hit town", and by some random randomness I ended up in a group with Mandy, George, Allen (Aosty from MTBR), and Paul from SRAM. We dilly dallied our way down the mountain with threatening skies on the horizon. When we hit the superwalky uphill section Paul stopped to address a leak by shaking it about just like Stan does in his videos... the only difference being that it worked for Stan but not for Paul.

The views were "meh".

Photo cred: George

Visual suck.

Photo cred: George

The rest of the group left Paul and I to sort out his issues. 200 yards after "sealing" the leak his tire gave up all of Paul's hard earned air, so we stopped to put in a tube. Then the rain started, and with it an evil darkness was rearing it's uninvited head. Once we got rolling we eventually caught up to the others, chased cows down the trail, sorted out certain people's lack of hydration issues (what are we gonna do with you Paul?), and continued down the mountain. Before we made it all the way down George's EBB was slipping in his Sir Niner frame (not due to the mechanics of the device, but to the mechanic who mechanic'ed the device), but since no one had a 6mm allen long enough to fix it George had to settle for coasting and baby pedaling down to the road to town... which we got to JUST BEFORE TOTAL DARKNESS turned the sky blacker than our morale had been thirty minutes earlier. Once we got back in town and stopped shivering we showered up, went to the "Run What You Brung" bike show (after it was already over), drank beers, chatted with Shanna from Endless Bikes, went to the Derailed Bar, drank beers, and went home to sleep.

Day three started out a little rougher than day two. We got breakfast and then headed out to pre-ride the "challenging" section of the course with Mike Maggs and Nasty Carl from Bilenky Cycle Works (he's the one in the life jacket) on a route led by Matt McFee... yes, THE Matt McFee of Hermosa Tours. I managed to choke down two bottles of water in a failed attempt to re-hydrate on the ride as we bounced around on the "hardest I've ever seen" ridge line descent. Fun was had by all, and many different lines were attempted (some not so succesfully), and we even had to opportunity to hob-knob with really real professional cyclists (like the ones you see on TV... well, you woulda saw on TV back when VS TV was OLN). A little forethought on the part of George ensured that we had post ride beers, so I saw no reason not to continue the trend of illogical nutritional thought and substituted beer for lunch and dinner.

We (not the royal "we", but George, Mandy, and I) headed out to watch the night's festivities which included World's selection quarter final karaoke and dirt jumping/hucking performed by those who actually know how to do it. From there we headed to Derailed and let things get out of hand. On the dance floor we had Buck (wearing an Ergon BD2), Topher, Jake, Fennell, Bluto, ParSSons, Hollywood, Mandy (helping things look slightly more hetero), and myself... George woulda been there, but he went back to the room to practice his lip-bite/head-shake thing. If I forgot to mention your name, and you were with us on the dance floor I apologize since I'm getting my information from the indecent exposure Durango police report.

BTW: If you ever see me on the dance floor and club music is playing please use the following method to remove me from the dance floor:

Use extreme caution and do not touch me as you may end up afflicted with chronic club music fever. It was widespread Friday night, and many people were lost never to be seen again.

I'm gonna leave off there and save the race report and aftermath for tomorrow.

photo from ptwood's MTBR SSWC09 pictorial

Dicky Deep

Some of you might remember that a few years ago I was "caught" doing performance enhancing drugs... well maybe not "caught", but I was under an extreme amount of suspicion by the likes of the UCI, WADA, and USACycling. Following my total and absolute domination of the 2006 24 Hour Solo Single Speed World Championships (and total destruction of giant killer Cameron Chambers) I was put under the media microscope through cyberstalking and long range surveillance cameras. This spy photo from the 2007 Burn 24 Hour Challenge had the liberal media all abuzz with rumors and chattery concerning my use of EPO, HGH, or possibly PYT.

Supposedly I'd been doing so many performance enhancing drugs that I'd actually been floating around. That was a side effect that I was not prepared for... I mean assuming that their assumptions were correct and I had actually been using performance enhancing drugs. I thought that after multiple urine, hair, skin, mucus, and toe jam tests I had been cleared, but recently this photo popped up on the web and the rumors started flying again.

from Shenandoah Mountain Touring on Picassa

As you can see my feet are not actually touching the ground.

As one might expect, the rumors are flying once again. I really hope that this photo does not cause the powers that be to reopen the investigation into my supposedly alleged so-called questionable dubious activities. You see, I can explain...

As you can see in this photo...

I am clearly supporting all my weight with my arms in an effort to keep my full weight off my bum knee (notice the massive, bulging biceps). I have not had the levitational ability to float since 2007, and I have done my best to put in an occasional dismal performance to put those whack job journalists off my supposedly alleged so-called questionable dubious tracks. SM100 was obviously one of those planned dismal performances.

Even as hard as I tried to stay off the Shenandoah 100 podium to cast more doubt on my supposedly alleged possible use of so-called questionably dubious performance enhancing drugs I still ended up on a 12 deep (or "Dicky Deep" as Gunnar referred to it) podium.

That's me on the far left...err...or am I second from the right? Who can tell? They don't even bother to focus the camera when it's time to take photos of the Single Speed podium. I was surprised they even clicked the shutter button. Nobody looks at the single speed podium photos anyways... and no, I wasn't wearing my MOOTS jersey as I didn't expect the podium to go "Dicky Deep". In the future I will not be caught off guard. Even if I finish in 60th place I'll be sporting my MOOTS jersey while tipping back the post race coldies. Hell, I'm even gonna wear it to Trader Joe's just in case I win the weekly "I brought my hippie eco-friendly cloth bags" drawing.

I'll be leaving at something like 4:00am tomorrow, so this is it till I get back. Even when I get back it's gonna be like midnight Tuesday, so you won't be seeing much of me till next Thursday (unless I lift some computer time from an unknowing sleeping host).

See you in Hell (or Durango... which ever comes first).

BTW: I just got my Durango goodie bag shipment from Backcountry Research. There's some new stuff on the horizon (Alpha Niner), and an improvement to an old favorite for you thick legged riders in the bunch. As of right now (7:07 AM EST 09/15/2009) the website is being swapped around to reflect the newest things in the name of all things awesome, but soon enough the information will be at the tips of your eyeballs. Since I can't take a picture worth a shit (and my MOOTSpost is in a box currently sitting in Albuquerque) you won't be seeing what I got till I get to Durango (if you happen to be there).

So much accomplished this weekend

There wasn't gonna be any riding if I didn't get the yet to be named Zion back up to snuff Saturday morning. The rear tire was flat, the brakes needed bled, the fork needed re-installed (Stabby had borrowed it for his new squishy shifty machine), the massively swept Salsa carbon bar needed swapped for a gently swept ti one, and the cog needed changed out.

Since the lamp on my side of the office/bike room died I had to resort to working on The Pie's end and a little improvisation.

Safety glasses were worn most of the day... except for the part where I shot brake fluid in my eye.

Even though I hate bleeding brakes (or doing any non-upgrade type maintenance on my bike) at least I got the tools and the talent to do my Hayes brakes. My first bleed kit involved a toilet plunger (don't ask) and The Pie's reluctant assistance (she doesn't like brake fluid in her eyes either).

Eventually I got 'er done.

I also went ahead and put the Thudbuster back on since Stabby didn't need it any longer. This is now my "freeride" bike, as in when The Meatplow is in a box at least I have this bike free to ride.

Stabby saw how much fun I was having bleeding my brakes and whatnot, so he went home, grabbed his bike, and brought it over for some hot rodding. We set up in The Pie's end of the world and bled his brakes and installed his Hopey steering damper. It was almost without incident, but with two cooks in the kitchen I managed to get brake fluid in my eye and in my hair. I also blew out a line on my bleed kit. Bonus points to anyone who can tell me why I had such a hard time bleeding the rear brake.

So Stabby and I went to Poplar tent with our freshly worked on machines and rode with Todd, Eric Van Driver, Big Worm, Bubba Cohen,Johnny Meatsnack, and a swarm of yellow jackets for a casual "no jackets required" kinda ride. Much fun was had, many stunts were stunted, and the pace was kept to a minimum. Ahhhhh... the off-season. So nice to take two hours to ride twelve miles in Charlotte on a crisp, pre-autumnal day.

photo cred: Big Worm

When I got home I decided to fix the broken lamp in my half of the office/bike room. I stopped at Home Depot and thought I had found a solution...

The Pie thought it looked a little rednecky. Pfffttttt... women.

Learn to rock like a....

While perusing Bikerumor.com I read that Tifosi was having a photo contest over on their Facebook page. Being that I am not only a "Category Winner", but also a major contest winner I decided to throw my hat in the ring. It was a pretty easy contest, become a "fan" of Tifosi's Facebook page, submit a photo of yourself in a pair of Tifosi's, and wait to be notified of your win (or not be notified of your failure to secure the top spot on the podium).

I submitted the Seal of Semi Approval...

and my stunning Endurance Magazine cover shot (taken by the talented Tamara Lackey)

Shortly after submitting my photo to the contest powers that be I got an email from Joe Nuss (editor of Endurance Magazine). Apparently Tifosi wanted a copy of the magazine (probably to have framed and put in their showroom), and they had contacted Joe to get a back issue. They also wanted to show their appreciation for my absent minded wearing of their eyewear on top of my head at the photo shoot by sending me a free pair of Tifosis.

I perused the Tifosi web page in anticipation. Would I be getting a cool pair of do-it-all fototec lens equipped specs? Maybe a simple pair of single lens glasses I could sport at work to replace the ones in the photo (that I broke doing something stupid months ago)? Maybe some interchangeable lens model that's more multi-purpose than an elementary school cafeteria/gym/auditorium?

Yesterday I got the care package from Tifosi. It only said "Thanks for the Endurance cover shot! - Megan", and nothing else. No way to write a thank you letter or perhaps send a well wishing Hallmark card in gratitude. What was inside?

A shiny pair of Dolomites. The good news is that they have three sets of lenses and make me look three years younger. The bad news is that they were available in pimptastic, oh so pro, "Look at me, I'm so important" WHITE, and I didn't get that fine frame color option that represents every color in the visible spectrum at once. To make me feel even less special I noticed that Big Tom ParSSons just got a pair too. Buzz kill for sure. Just when I thought I was "somebody"...

So you are soooo welcome Megan. When I wear these glasses I will think of you, but since I don't know you very well I'll be picturing this:

And in the future (if you want to avoid the Seal of Semi Approval) you might just want to send white framed glasses, for I usually wear white, or I wear nothing at all....

Thank you frailty, thank you consequence

Although this might trend to the sleepy side of boredom I would feel a small inkling of regret if I didn't give thanks where I feel it's more than necessary, especially at this juncture. At some point I may get into a masturbatory circle jerk with all my sponsors like I did with last year's "Sponsor Appreciation Thursdays", but this post is a special thank you to a few select individuals. Of course without the support of my sponsors (the folks who have their logos on my sidebar thanks to the use of some HTML I stole from somewhere else) I wouldn't even have a "season" to begin with. I can't ride a bike without wheels, or for that matter without a bike either. I recommend that you buy three of everything each of my sponsors sell, and if their products are cheaper than $20 I would suggest that you get five each and enjoy the savings.

This post is about the people who were able to make this boy's SSWC09 dreams come true. I had almost all but given up on trying to make it out to Durango for the event. Everywhere I turned I kept running into roadblocks, and I was getting sick of trying to figure it out as most of the problems required me to throw money at them to make them go away. When I was teetering on the edge of despair it was not just one arm that reached out to pull me from the precipice of progressive procrastination but three... maybe four... or perhaps some folks even threw both arms in my direction bringing the number of arms interested in saving me from a life more mundane to as many as eight.

Enough with this silliness. Let's get to the props.

Matt McFee/Hermosa Tours: He was one of the first ones to offer his logistical support to me months before I started trying to make plans. As long as I could get to Durango I had a place to stay. I couldn't get the travel plans to work on a solo basis and with Thad vacillating irresolutely with his SSWC09 VS Job conundrum I basically bailed on Matt's invite. When things miraculously came together Matt was still willing to receive my bike VIA FedEx even though he won't get the opportunity to enjoy my company 24-7. Thank you Matt McFee

George Wissell/Bike29.com: George basically gave me an email kick in the ass and told me to stop pissing around and go to Durango. He offered me a ride from the Denver airport, a place to stay, and if I behave myself, a ride back to Denver. This was major since I wasn't gonna go it alone based on the overwhelming expense and the fact that road trips of this type are meant to be shared. I would be remiss if I didn't also thank George's wife Amanda Wissell. I met her at the Fool's Gold 100, and she had the power of the executive veto if she didn't approve of my bubbling personality or lack of hygiene. Luckily I passed her litmus test (I brought extra litmus with me), and she said I could go as long as I didn't sing in the car. Thank you George and Amanda.

Backcountry Research: Although I've been asked not to name names Backcountry Research tore down any remaining obstacles that stood between me and my chance at the tattoo. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I'll never win the SSWC09 winner's tattoo since they seemed so optimistic about my chances. "Never step on the dreams of the little people" my father always said. I know that I have been solely responsible for the company's meteoric rise that dwarfed the economic ascension of the"Girls Gone Wild" franchise, but I'm still blushing from their generous showing of gratitude. Who woulda thought that my purchasing of their fine product back in June woulda resulted in the gratuitous mutually gratifying relationship that followed? They've got some stuff coming up that I can't talk about yet, but that has nothing to do with this something that I'm currently talking about. I just can't help myself...

Thank you random kind person at Backcountry Research.

I hope it is suffice to say that these folks are very awesome. Buy stuff from them, or take a tour, or hop on a Hermosa shuttle at the SSWC09, or just send them all an email and thank them because without their help this blog would suck just that much more this month.

Where to go now....

Photo from Chris James VIA Facebook

I'm still rather tired. I got back from the SM100 around 11:30 on Monday, spent two hours taking care of all my crap, then I had to clean the Meatplow, swap the gear to a Rocky Mountain friendly ratio, and stick it in a very small box to ship it to Durango on Tuesday. I had to remove some things I normally don't have to in order to fit it into the smaller than my airline happy case cardboard box so I wouldn't get dinged for the dimensional weight large package surcharge. I had to get a little creative to squeeze it in, but I assure you the money I saved will be spent on watered down beer and cowboy hats once I get there.

I was so tired yesterday that I got my facts messed up in my race report. I didn't get dropped by Carey Lowery while I was pumping up my leaky tire. I had done that near the top of the big descent off Shenandoah Mountain and gotten passed by a single speeder while I was pumping furiously. I lost Carey a little while later when I heard a strange noise coming from my bike and had to pull over to tighten my water bottle cage that was falling off. No one woulda caught my mistake, but I had to correct the facts for posterity's sake.

Photographic evidence that Shenandoah Mountain 100 winner Jeremiah Bishop puts his shorts on one leg a time just as we mortals do (without the help of servants). He's just like us (except he wins bike races all the time).

I've decided to bail on the Pisgah Mountain Bike Stage Race in October, so that makes the SSCW09 my last official event of the year. It was never a "solid" on my calender ever since I put it up there. Being that it was kinda late in the year I felt like I wasn't sure I'd be in the mood to extend my "season" out another month. In the end the decision was made for me as I have some family stuff coming up in October that is going to take precedence over making great bike race in Pisgah. I bet it's gonna be fun, and maybe I'll get to it some other year.

In better news....

I'm a winner. No, not a big winner, but a medium winner. I have yet to win the Nummers frame in the Misfit Psycles Popularity Contest, but I am the winner of Phase One. As the Phase One winner I am to receive a Misfit Psycles 2010 team jersey which looks a bit like the 2009 Misfit Psycles team jersey.

Since apparently I already own a 2009 Misfit Psycles team jersey I'm not sure what I will do with the 2010 version. Perhaps there will be a contest of some sort in the future...

Let's not forget the main goal here folks. What we (me) want(s) is the Nummers frame, and it's still almost a month before the contest is over. I'm gonna need some more clicks outta yinz for the next thirty or so days. Click any link to Misfit Psycles (like this one, this one, or this one) and you cast a vote for your favorite blogger... me. Then I get to chalk another win up on the boards for 2009. Trust me, my results need all the padding they can get.

Shenandoah in the bag for 2009

Saturday I traveled up to the Shenandoah 100 with Bill Nye and Leyonce. We left ourselves enough time to set up camp, get a little ride in, register, and drink some foamy Dog Fish Ale before turning in for the night.

Apparently Chris Scott did NOT get the memo:

Nor does he know the REAL Lance "Leyonce" Shelley's party affiliation (definitely NOT the Leyonce I know):

And this guy was severely punished for NOT saying "Mother may I have my gel flask?" at registration:

After a night of tossing and turning and lying in the back of my Dirty Little Box wondering why in the hell I ever think it's a good idea to do these silly events I begrudgingly got outta "bed" and ate my chocolate Pop Tarts. It was a bit chilly at the start, maybe around the upper 50's, but the weather man had predicted highs in the 80's, so I started in my typical summer garb (rendered sleeveless of course). I got to the start line early, but due to a relocation of the start line and some rider confusion my usual spot at the front ended up being seven or so rows deep in the field. Starting that far back would mean that I would have no clue where most of the other single speed riders were all day. Not like I was planning on "racing" racing, but it's always good to know where you sit in the field for posterity sake.

After the start (video here if you wanna see 550 riders shooting for the early lead) and the "controlled" run down the dusty driveway in the dark we popped out onto the paved road, and I did my best to fight my way up into the top 100 or so riders. Normally I can get into the first section of trail in the top 50, but it was apparent that there was no way I'd be that far up when the going got skinny.

When I finally made it to the first section of single track I was fortunate that the group I was in was still moving steadily up the climb. The forced hike-a-bike I feared that far back in the pack never happened, and life didn't seem so bad. I could still see Roger "Muscles" Masse and Sue Haywood ahead of me, so I figured my pace was actually a bit more aggressive than I intended, but when in Rome...

Somewhere around the 20 mile mark I felt the dehydrating effects of last night's consumption of foamy beverages. A hint of a cramp in my right hamstring and a definite twinge in my right calf were sure indicators that things were not going all too well. I drank down my bottles and soft pedaled awhile until things felt safe and came into aid station two running on empty, but safe from cramps.

Before I got to the 30 mile mark I realized I had made an error. I had decided to race with bare knees based on the local forecast for the town of Bridgewater that I had seen on Saturday morning. Unfortunately it was a bit colder than I had anticipated... right around the temperature that would normally see me wearing at least one knee warmer on my right knee, and it didn't seem to be getting much warmer. I didn't even bring knee warmers, even though I have had this same experience before at the SM100 before. My right knee started throbbing and letting me know it was definitely unhappy with my poor wardrobe selection. My legs felt fine for climbing, but any time I had to spin on the roads my knee was screaming for vengeance.

By the time I got to the third aid station it was apparent that my front tire was losing air. I was bottoming out my Rampage on the rim, so I took the time to grab a floor pump and remedy the situation. I grabbed some Pringle's knowing that I wanted to finish, but had better back it down a notch if I was gonna do it without having my kneecap blow through my skin. As I rolled outta the aid station I sat up and rode no-handed for awhile eating my potato-like chips and enjoying the tunes on my Shuffle. Betsy Shogren went by waving and smiling with her face looking like she had stuck it in a tray of Fig Newton's. Bye-bye Betsy.

The nasty single track climb up to the midway point of the course was as painful as always, and the descent on the backside had my tire bottoming out on the rim making we wonder if I even got any air in it while pumping in my stupor state. On the long, slow approach to the "Soul Crusher" a train of gearies (with Carey Lowery aboard) came past me as I was sitting up riding no handed and singing. I was gonna let them go, but shortly after they passed me the "Soul Crusher" finally started kicking in, so I gave 'er and left them behind (for now). Once I hit aid station five I got my pizza (which I had been saving room for) and headed back out with the knowledge that the absolute worst was behind me.

When I topped out on Shenandoah Mountain I started the nasty descent in what felt like fine form, but my tire was definitely still losing air, so I babied it for awhile hoping to ride it out. Carey Lowery caught up to me on one of the small rises, so I let her by and decided I would entertain myself by watching her descend. The problem was that she was going fast enough that I couldn't avoid the bit rocks and roots and my front wheel was banging out in protest. I had to pull over and pull out my mini-mini pump if I really wanted to go fast. Bye-bye Carey.

On the final real climb of the day Micheal Coco (3rd SS at ORAMM) caught up to me. We chatted our way to the top, and when we started going down towards the happy place I let him and all his forkiness take the lead. When we finally got down to the final double track portion of the descent I could still see him ahead, and I recalled the last two SM100's where I didn't "go for it" at the end of the race. "No gifts" I thought to myself, and although this time I was not fighting for an actual spot on the podium I decided I didn't want to go down NOT swinging this time, so I gunned it a little on a small rise (sticking my tongue out as I went by), and hung it out to the finish line for my worst performance at Shenandoah since I did it on a fixed gear in 2006.

I either got 11th or 12th in the SS class and 61st outta something like 550 riders. On a day where most folks took advantage of the dry conditions and set PR's I was 20 minutes slower than last year. Meh.

The day after the race I was sitting in the bathroom talking to The Pie while she was taking a shower. I noticed something interesting and grabbed the camera (not to take photos of The Pie in the shower).

Notice anything funny?
Not funny ha-ha, but funny queer?

When will this madness end?

Obviously some of you think that someone who has suffered such a dreadful shunning (I'm talking about yesterday's post for those of you picking this up a little late in the game) might be inspired to ride outta their heads and snatch victory from the evil doers much to the chagrin of the naysayers and nonsayers. It would be a tale to remember, perhaps worth making a movie about a la Rudy, Hoosiers, Goonies, or Zulu. Well unfortunately I'm not that kinda guy. I'm not saying that if I see Gunnar at the side of the trail fixing a flat I'm not grab his mini-pump and toss it into the woods. I'm also not saying that I'm not above peeing in some one's water bottle the night before or changing Tomi's cog to a 15T while he's sleeping. I'm just not gonna be able to come up with the goods and make some kinda super human effort to pull off the dramatic underdog win. I assure you that if I end up on the top step of the podium it would more than likely be due to the misfortune of others or a little treachery on my part.

Somehow or another I ended up feeling great for the first fifty miles of the Fool's Gold 100 a few weeks ago. I think it was due to my eleven month taper program I initiated some time ago. Instead of thinking about it as a reduction in saddle time due to laziness I like to think about it as a planned period of advanced recovery. Body and mind as relaxed as possible, just leave it up to experience and equipment.

Got some death to do.

As much as I wanna hold the tremendous oversight of not including me amongst the pre-race favorites in the pre-race email against Chris Scott (SM100 promoter) I have to give him kudos for rule number nine which states:

9) bring your favorite camp plate, drink cup and utensils

It was this "rule" that inspired me to purchase my melamine plate and sporknife that I try to bring to every race in order to take part in pre/post race meals in a little less wasteful fashion. Chris really wants people to try to think a little before they trash the world up over a bike race, and I give him kudos for that. I realize we're all burning gas to get there and just ruining the earth for future generations by simply existing, but why not try to squeeze a few more years outta this dirtball while we have a chance?

With a pre and post race meal these are all the broceries a man needs. (Women, I have no idea how you would need to fill your own needs. Please consult your manuals.)

Speaking of women and unfair treatment... good friend and fellow exhibitionist Tommawicki recently sent me a link to an interesting video. It seems like some enthusiastic fan/athletic supporter thought it would be great if he gave his favorite riders a push at the top of the climb in a short track race ON EACH OF THE RACE'S TWELVE LAPS??? Poor Becky ended up getting second place sandwiched between two riders who had been pushed A LOT. The weird thing is all the interviews and such that were done at the race (seen in the video and in the accompanying article) made my head spin. Seems some folks thought it was "OK" while the promoter and USACycling official said it most certainly was not. Did they change the results based on the findings? Click over and see.

As of 8:07Am I have now trademarked the term "broceries". All future use of the word "broceries" should only be done after consulting with my attorney and the payment of a nominal fee.

Conspiracy Theory

As the anticipation builds for this weekend's 11th running of the Shenandoah 100 a sold out field of riders recently received yet another exciting pre-race communique from race promoter Chris Scott. Most of the SM 100 Race Brief email is pretty standard... no dogs off leash, no litter on the trail, tell your friends not to drive all over the woods trying to hand you water bottles and take pictures of you, and a lot of other stuff you would kinda hope people would have to common sense to do without being told, but evidently still must hear from a higher authority in order to keep from doing something stupid. The most exciting part of the email is the part where Chris tries to build a little hype for the pre-race favorites. Every year I've looked forward to getting this email I've always wondered if perhaps I might get a small mention.

In my first Shenandoah attempt back in 2006 there was no mention of me at all. Even though I was headed into the race in third overall in the NUE Series I was persona non grata to the C. Scott megalopromotion company. I showed up on a silly fixed gear and won the non-official fixed gear class by terrorizing myself on the downhills trying to keep up with Tomi and his much more experienced cohorts.

In 2007, although I was an NUE Series podium alumni, I doubted I would make the all important SM 100 Race Brief email. I still hadn't had a stellar finish in either of Chris's races (I floundered at the Wilderness 101 with two flats and one tube), so I was not surprised when I was not mentioned as a pre-race favorite. I finished second to Captain Morgan, so it looked like 2008 was gonna be my year.

So a few days before the 2008 race I got the email from Chris. What do you know? I'm the only one coming back from last year's top three and still no mention? Something's fishy up there in Stokesville I tell you. I ended up finishing last year's race in third, just eight playful seconds behind Chris McGill, but surely solidify my chances to get into the 2009 SM 100 Race Brief.

So yesterday the SM 100 Race Brief email showed up in my inbox. I scanned past all the rules for dummies who need rules and got to the most exciting part of the whole email, the pre-race favorite break down.

Let's see..... Nothing new here... I covered The Pflug's unwillingness to meet me on an even battle ground yesterday

Gerry Pflug is gonna slap some gears on his bike and see what damage he can...

Nothing new here... I covered The Pflug's unwillingness to meet me on an even battle ground yesterday. Who does Chris think he is calling The Pflug by his "other name", the name which we do not speak?

Eatough won't be defending his victory from last year...

Eatough? Who's that? Oh yeah, that guy who got way too much face time in that movie that was supposed to be all about my SUCCESSFUL bid to be the 2006 24 Hour Solo Single Speed World Champ. Camera hog.

Bishop will be back

Bishop's back on the bike? I heard that after his big wreck at the Intermontane Challenge he had his spine removed and it is now stored in a display case at the Cannondale Headquarters to keep it protected from future harm. Now that JB has no spine it should be much easier for him to keep his sponsors happy.

"When I drink my Mona Vie I like to wash it down with another glass of Mona Vie, preferably while I'm sitting in a tub full of Mona Vie. Nothing helps me recover from a tough race like being immersed inside and out with Mona Vie. Oh yeah.... Mona Vie."

Let's see... who else

Is Schalk going to.... Will Chris Beck be...Sam Korber is gonna...Christian Tanguy...

Anybody ever heard of these guys? None of them have blogs, so I've never heard of them. Isn't Sam Korber Trish's baby's daddy, or is that Sam Koerber? Will Sam Korber be going head to head with Sam Koerber this weekend? Anyone?

Buschi gonna represent... Andy Kinley, Bob Anderson or Christian Quinn... Was Fawley's Tour d Burg performance a fluke... (yes it was) Is Dirty D just racing to get in base miles... Will Blair Saunders or Garth Prosser be able...

Seriously, is he gonna go down through the entire Men's Open field? I lost track of how many riders are getting props in the in 2009 SM 100 Race Brief. I did finish just three very playful seconds behing young Fawley last year, so certainly I'll get some mention when he gets to the single speed class since Fawley made the cut.

Is Cheryl Sornson gonna.... Will Besty Shogren and Sue Haywood be sprinting for...

Girls? There are girls at the Shenandoah? Next thing you know we're gonna let them vote and have jobs with equal pay. Where will this madness end? At least the female "racers" only got two sentences and three riders worthy of mention.

What roadies are going to make a showing besides Ryan McKinney.

Even random roadies are getting a call out before the single speeders. Calm down, calm down... I'm sure he's just saving his best for last.

Here we go...

The one geared Gunnar....

Yes, he did win last year. I'll give Old Man Shogren his due.

and McGill

Second place last year, so logically the next person up for honorable mention after Chris would be that guy who was just eight seconds behind Chris last year. right?

Ramponi or McMillar gonna sneak in on a podium step?

Ouch. Tomi has been riding really strong this year, but last year Ramponi and Mc Millar came in 18th and 8th respectively. No matter what, it just cuts deep. By the way, that last "complete" sentence that completely covered the single speed field read as follows:

The one geared Gunnar and McGill Ramponi or McMillar gonna sneak in on a podium step?

We didn't even get a complete sentence. Just some random jumble of words that fell outta Chris's head as if he were writing under water and he could no longer hold his breath so he hastily jotted down some words so he could rise to the surface for a quick breath before going back to the mundane "rules" again.

I titled this post "Conspiracy Theory", and by now you might be wondering what the hell I was talking about. Obviously Chris must be in cahoots with cyclingnews.com in their blatant attempt to keep me in some sort of cycling media blackout. This brand of McCarthy era style journalism will not stand. I'm gonna find out who's behind this black listing and expose this agenda backed faux journalism for what it really is, a conspiracy to push me outta the world of unprofessional cycling forever.

I mean c'mon. According to Associated Content (the leading expert on... unnhhh... content) I've got one of the "Top Bike Blogs" on the web (still behind the snob though). You can't keep this from the world forever you right wing fascist dog haters.

Just an FYI Chris, I'm bringing my attorney's with me to Stokesville this weekend. I know they can't stay and camp Saturday night (that would be breaking the "rules"), but I assure you they are very thorough, and you're going to be knee deep in litigation by day's end.

Legal Fjear.