2011 Short Track Race #2: Revenge of the Pasty White Bearded Hill People

So Geoffrey Bergmark and the King of Pisgah came to Charlotte to avenge the defeat of their wounded warrior, John Kirkwood. Before the race I noticed that Wes (KOP) had a Garmin device on his bars, and I asked him if that was going to help him keep track of my location during the race. He ignored my question and instead shared a recipe for Hill People biscuits using only dirt, Ajax, and moonshine (apparently you mix the dirt and Ajax, pour it on the ground, and then just drink moonshine till you pass out in the dirt and Ajax mixture).

At the start line I noticed that Geoffrey had a Garmin as well. I knew something was up, and when I patted him down I noticed that he was wearing a wire. Something sneaky was going down, but it was too late to file a protest with the UCI. When the race started I decided to not blow myself up by aiming for a holeshot this time around. I followed Geoffrey's wheel into the first corner and then sat up a little for the parking lot climb before the first single track. That was a big mistake.

I found myself behind the same guy from week 1. While a massive lead group rode away I was stuck behind this guy who couldn't negotiate the berms at speed. I watched in horror as the gap grew, and all I could do was sit back and wait to exit the woods. Once I popped out onto the gravel road I saw that the lead group, being strung out by Bergmark, had a good 5-10 second gap on me. As I tried to nail them back I found myself alone between the lead group and the chase. No one to share the work with, and no one to help break the wind on the road. Meh.

photo cred: Lunchbox

The gap seemed like it was unbeatable, but on the third lap I looked up and there was Geoffrey. Later he would claim that he had lost his chain, but after the race I analyzed the results, and I know what had happened. Using their Garmin communication devices Wes and Geoffrey had planned this all along. Geoffrey pulled a rabbit pace when Wes saw that I was stuck behind a slow rider in the woods. Once the gap was fully established Wes sent Geoffrey, who was blown from his early fiefdom work for his majesty, back to slow me down whilst his other minion (Kirkwood) pulled him to victory (over me).

With Geoffrey just ahead of me I tried to pass him on the gravel road. My furious pedaling was met with Geoffrey's abnormally large legged strokes, and I couldn't get around. Once we hit the woods, where passing was impossible, he slowed down to something slightly faster than a snail's pace. I tried to slingshot out of a berm to get around him, but he accelerated as I came around, and I was forced back behind him.

I tried all manner of ways to make my way around this large hill person in a skinsuit. Geoffrey was just too strong, and I couldn't get a move to stick. I guess all those trips to the well fetching heavy buckets of water paid off. I tried one more slingshot move in the woods, and I even got alongside Geoffrey, but as I was passing in a "no passing zone" I was forced to break off my attack nanoseconds before hitting a tree head-on.

At this point I threw in the towel. Wes's plan had worked. Every time I would get the gap back on Geoffrey I would languish behind him in the woods only to suffer at the strength of his water fetching legs out in the open. I was either going to blow myself up trying to pass him on the roads or kill myself making a bad move on the single track. Either option might cost me a position from behind, so I stopped attacking with two laps to go, and I begrudgingly let the hill people have their way.

In the end the results were just as Wes wanted them. John Kirkwood, the engine pulling the Sycamore Train, came in 4th, Choo Choo Engineer Wes took 5th, Geoffrey the Brakeman ended up in 6th, and I (Dicky the Caboose) pulled up the rear in 7th.

Well done pasty white, bearded hill people. You have won the battle, but the war will be waged all summer long.

Remember folks, Wes isn't all bad and evil and stuff. He is bringing back the Icycle after all.