Friday, November 18

Isn't it great to have a penis?

I would like to apologize for yesterday's post, but only to make you feel better. Not me.

There's nothing wrong with having a naked man to brighten your day.

I just so happened to win a set of wheels for my 1st place award winning Trans Rockies Naked Mile 360° Cyclocross Dismount.

2005 Trans Rockies Naked Mile

I practiced it the day before in tent city (with my clothes on, of course) and perfected the move at speed. I had the eye of the tiger and the balls of a gorilla. The Naked Mile was one of the more creative things I've ever experienced at a stage race. Does anybody know if Trans Rockies still does it? If not, where else can I apply my advanced stage racing skillset?

Consider yourself lucky that I didn't just put the raw footage on the blog. When I hopped back on the bike, it was quite a disturbing thing to see in slo-mo.

Just like that, just with more curly hair.

I am quite good at hopping on and off of a bike. I kinda do it for a living. Thus when I asked the promoters of last week's cross race if I could participate on my fixed gear, I was kinda bummed when I got this reply from the USACycling official:

"A fixed gear would be a bad idea with the dismounts etc. It is a single speed race not fixed gear."

I know they have rules against fixed gears in cross races. I've talked about it a few times:

"For races on the road and cyclo-cross, the use of fixed sprocket is forbidden: a braking system that acts on both wheels is required.”

Rules are rules and they keep us safe from... well, I guess they keep us safe from people that break rules. I was still bummed, but last year's USA Cycling National Championship Single Speed Class had even more arbitrary rules to contend with:

"The single-speed category will not have the 33 mm tire width rule, but riders will need to have tires no bigger than 35 mm.

The single-speed category will be required to have a freewheel, one cog and drop bars (no straight bars, no mountain bikes)."

So not only do I have to buy a new bike, I'd better invest in some calipers as well. Nice of them to let the single speeders have an extra two millimeters.

I also found this odd cyclocross rule while fishing about:

"No acrobatics on the part of the riders shall be required to overcome obstacles."

Oh yeah? Then explain this very acrobatic move made by Bryan Fawley at a cross race:

Somebody broke some rules and fines will be distributed accordingly.

I would just go ahead and buy a cross bike if I could justify it.

Not just any cross bike.

This cross bike:

The Twin Six Dark Horse CX SS. I don't need it, I want it. It is freakin' smokin' and belt drive compatible.

We would complete each other.

I can't justify it. I can't. With one new frame already in the works, I might just push The Pie over the edge if I try to sneak one more in the house. Maybe I should just threaten to wear my newly acquired, totally hideous skinsuit around the house until she caves.

That, or threaten the masses with more naked images of me on the blog...

Maybe I should post up a paypal donation button, and I could blackmail my fanbase with potential threats of more personal nudity.

I always knew my penis would come in handy some day.


Anonymous said...

Great, now that frameset is all I can think about. Get it!

AdamB said...

It is great to see that you are finally living up to your namesake. Just click the "PenisPal" button to help out the Dick bros.

Anonymous said...

That frame is a damn fine frame. soo sweet.

I think Joey should be fined too

Some damn fine skills right there. If there had been a second barrier, he would have cleared that too.