Who let all this riff raff into the room?

With The Most Important Race on the International Cycling Calender just four days away, I may be slightly stressed out.

photo cred: Cycling Dirt

Lotsa unanswered questions still loom.

What do I wear to the party?

How many bottles do I prep for the drop bags and where do I leave them on the course?

Should I get cocky and bring my podium pants?

Do I start thinking up excuses as to why I didn't win again, or just leave that for the drive home?

What brand of mustard should I carry?

Mustard?

Many of you know that I am a firm believer in the power of mustard when it comes to keeping cramps at bay. Never heard of it? Let me google it for you.

The science of it all is fuzzy at best. Some say it's the tumeric, others the vinegar, while a few Amish endurance athletes claim that it's the actual mustard seed that provides relief. I don't really care which it is. All I know is that I've been on the brink of a major cramping spell, pounded a pack of yellow magic, and minutes later felt like I was in a riding the luge, racing at over 100 miles per hour as the wind whips over my body.



All right, it's not really that great, but I didn't cramp.

Mustard packets is what I'm all about. Unfortunately they have to be procured in a manner that elicits all that is evil in me. Thievery and misappropriation. Maybe it's not really thievery per say, but they do just put them out there in a "take what you need" manner. There is no sign above the bin that says "only take what you need to condimentate the food purchased here and not for your future cramp relief."

I've tried all sorts of mustard, and I have to say they all seem pretty effective. It all comes down to flavor and availability.

French's Classic Yellow

Ingredients: distilled vinegar, water. #1 grade mustard seed, salt, tumeric, paprika spice, natural flavors and garlic powder

French's is a low hanging fruit. Available at finer gas stations near the rolling wiener machine, it fills the requirements of having tumeric, mustard seed, and vinegar. It also tastes like shit when compared to classier selections available at finer fooderies.

Gulden's Spicy Brown Mustard

Ingredients: Ingredients: vinegar, mustard seed, salt, spices, tumeric,

The mustard seed may not be as "#1" as the French's and the vinegar not "distilled", but it seems to do the trick. It's not as readily available in the wild, so you may have to go out of your way to find it. Gulden's burps will definitely make you feel like you stopped at a fancy gas station for lunch.

Boar's Head Brand Delicatessen Style Mustard (with white wine)

Ingredients: Select mustard seeds, vinegar, salt, horseradish, spices, and white wine

So they have "select mustard seeds" (as the number one ingredient) but no tumeric listed unless it fell under the "spices" nomenclature. The horseradish has a certain kick, and I can tell you that if you take a preventative packet at the start line, you will feel the horseradish kick you in the face. This shit is hard to find, and I think most deli's have an Indiana Jones weight sensitive booby trap device to keep you from taking more than one at a time, so be prepared with a sandbag if you plan to fill the pockets of your sensible-in-the-desert leather jacket.

Grey Poupon Dijon Mustard

Ingredients: water, vinegar, mustard seed, salt, white wine, fruit pectin, citric acid, tartaric acid, sugar, spice

They went out on a limb with those ingredients, but they've been doing it since 1777, so the more power to them. It kinda looks like baby shit and tastes a bit like it as well. It might actually be baby shit for all I know. I have to admit that I'm only carrying Grey Poupon on the off chance that another suffering rider might ask me...



Except I would say, "Get yourself some, dickweed."