Putting the "pro" in "probouleutic"

The other day I got to talking to Will Bolt (owner, operator, vagrant who lives/works at Bolt Brothers Cycles). We talked about life, bikes, floor lamps, and pudding recipes at great length, but most importantly we talked about racing. Will has rubbed elbows with quite a few pros in his life, and he has gleaned some valuable information in his many years of articulated appendage joint contact. He asked me about my racing and training strategies in order to evaluate my knowledge base so he could further my success facilitating the usefulness of his cornucopia of racing, training, and proper pudding storage smarts.

I explained to him that I planned my training on a daily basis, usually based on my emotional turpitude, time constraints, and boredom level. My race strategy is mostly a pre-race strategy of smack talking here on the blog and elevated cookie consumption the week before the race. It has worked pretty well for me so far (at least once a year), and I had no plans to change "the process". Besides, if I got too good I would have to upgrade my USAC license from "unprofessional" to "semi-professional".

Will explained to me that it's not important that I race or even train like a pro as long as I look like a pro. Looking pro can get you pretty far in this world from out on the race course to getting action at singles clubs. Mario Cipollini was never very good at cycling, but as he blew past the other sprinters they were too busy being moderately attracted to his overt professional sexiness, and for that split second as they were being passed they were convinced they could never beat someone who looked that spectacular. We decided unanimously that we should take a page right outta the master's book, and attempt to copy his look as best as possible (and within the budget restraints of a local bike shop and a unprofessional cyclist).

Will didn't have any zebra skinsuits on the rack (they're on back order) so we went with the next best thing to get me one step closer to "faux-pro" status.

What are you looking at? On the left we have the Uvex Supersonic RS helmet (holy crap, my main manTimmy Dougherty is right there on the Uvex website... see what I mean about looking pro without actually being anything close to a pro?). I know what you're thinking, didn't I already get a new Uvex back in January? Yeah, but it didn't have the bad-ass Mario inspired zebra strips, did it? Honestly the Uvex helmets have dethroned the long line of Giro's that have adorned and protected my head for the last eleven years. I could go on and on about them, but they beat the much more expensive Giro's hands down in terms of comfort and fit. No more RockLoc shoving my forehead into a hard, lumpy chunk of styrofoam. I would say this helmet is the bee knees, but the inmolded Bee Stop mesh has me aiming for the whole bee body mocking their ornery stinging bits as they bounce harmlessly away from my forehead fortress.

Up next we have the new Mavic Razor shoes.

I know I just got done telling you that the Shimano M086 was going to be the race shoe for the 2009 season, but Bolt Brothers carries the Mavic shoe line, and so I got my first hands-on looksee at the shiny shoes from the notorious maker of all things wheel (albeit inferior wheels). Needless to say I was impressed. Not only did they match the Uvex helmet and get me one step closer to pulling off the super sexy, faux-pro Cipo look they were superior to the Shimano shoe in every way. A pair of size 40 M086 weighs in at 730 grams while the same Lilliputian sized shoe from Mavic comes in at 360 grams. Assuming both manufacturers are lying about the weight proportionately that's still pretty impressive. What else is great about the new, very white shoe?

Look at those lugs. Yes, my hike-a-bikey friends, those are rubber lugs. Also each pair of Cipo approved shoes comes with two sets of shiny brass plates so you can shim the cleat (in order for the lugs to clear certain pedal systems, to keep the shoe from getting torn up from the cleat to allow for easier adjustment, or to add weight to the shoes to keep them from floating around the room like a helium filled balloon). Also notice that the placement of the toe spike holes is kept out of the way, nice and tidy like, since you're not going to use them anyways. By the way, these shoes only weigh 10 grams less than the jeremiahbishop.com approved, World Cup circuit ready, and very yellow Mavic Fury.

So these shoes are right around the $130 mark, fit like a Sidi, weigh as much as three small pudding cups, and have all the traction goodness of a pair of Shimano shoes that weigh as much as five pudding cups. Did I mention that they come in white (and also a very bland black/gray for the less sexy people of the world)?

I think I am really pulling my "faux-pro" look together. I wanted to get a shot of me in my MOOTS kit, but since it's in Steamboat Springs and I am not I put on the most paraprofessional clothes I could find in my closet.

Fjear never looked so good.