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Monday, January 25

I felt like I had to do something

I let Saturday get by me without any real exercise, well except for cleaning out the garage and buffing my helmet (literally not figuratively, as The Pie pointed out that "cleaning out the garage" is a euphemism for a high colonic). The weather woulda been fine for a road ride or even a fixed gear assault on the sidewalks and bike paths, but I just didn't have it in me. I wanted to taste some local dirt, but recent rains have made local dirt hard to come by as our local trails have been closed more than they've been open over the last coupla months. I decided late on Saturday that I would sign up for the short track race on Sunday to get some pew time in my church.

Gone are the days of feeling worthy of lining up in the front row of the single speed class. Back in 2006 I was going for the hole shot and the possible win, but as the year's have passed I can no longer hold onto the front of the pack. That is why I wore my "Doper's Suck" T-shirt.

I decided to openly protest the rampant abuse of performance enhancing drugs at the Charlotte Short Track series, and in particular, the single speed class.

My theory concerning doping in the SS class is based on the Greg LeMond Law of Doping, which states:

"When you can no longer win at bike racing you should accuse the competition of doping. Do it with your head held high, your palmares in hand, and your attorney nearby."

I think that guy mighta been clean because I managed to beat him.

The way Greg and I see it I used to be at the top of the SS Short Track game back in 2006 (until a tragic bike washing accident took me outta the overall contention). Then as the year's passed by I found it harder and harder to stay anywhere near the front of the field.

Walking the thinnest line on the rocks.

The only obvious answer is that the majority of the single speed field is now doping. I can't think of any other reason that explains why I finished exactly mid pack last year. Just like Greg I am a former "world champ" who found that he could no longer hang with the peleton, and just like Greg I've never been invited to a Christmas party at Lance Armstrong's house.

Hammering the back of the field and riding clean just like they did in the days of Jacques Anquetil (way before Greg noticed that everybody in the sport was doping).

Like Greg, if it wasn't for my mad skills and inherit monster fitness I woulda suffered even more embarrassment at the hands of the dopers.

I did manage to pull off a slightly better than midpack finish this year. I ended up placing fifth outta eleven riders, which can only mean one thing.

Obviously short track promoter Neal Boyd's attempts at curtailing the abuse of performance enhancing drugs at his races must be working. His most recent rule banning needles in the start/finish area has obviously discouraged at least one single speed rider from immoral racing practices.

Will I end up like Greg LeMond and be a bitter, slightly overweight ex-champ? Will I start a bike brand called LeDick, sell it to Trek, fail, and blame Jeff Schalk for all my problems? Why would I do that when I already blame all my problems on Garth "Sideshow" Prosser?

Maybe I should just jump off the cliff with the other single speed lemmings and roll dirty like everybody else. I had overheard at the bike wash that some of the guys in the single speed class had warmed up before the event, avoided beer for the last three or more days, and some of them had even eaten something other than left over cake before the race. Is this what high level single speed racing has come to in 2010? Maybe this lemming will stay up on the ledge with his cake and beer and settle for midpack finishes and the ability to leave before the awards ceremony.

All photos from Big Worm and Chris M.

16 comments:

TheMutt said...

I didn't mean to take photographs of you. I was simply waiting out in the singletrack with my copy of Dirt Rag so I could get you to autograph it. Maybe next time.

Chris M.

CB2 said...

Judging by Greg's physique it's obvious he isn't a doping singlespeeder; see cake and beer.

Mike said...

5th out of 11 is slightly better than mid-pack? By what, half a person? Regardless, you did the right thing by getting out there. Hopefully you had some fun slopping around in all that mud. Of course, it does cover up the pretty pink wheels. :-P

Nerd On A Bike said...

The problem with your Lemond scenario was that he was a roadie, thus his particular 'in your face' route in life after his professional career. They just can't ever stop competing.

As a soon to be washed up mtb pro you're more likely to follow in the footsteps of those greats before you (Tomac being the only exemption) and become an international drug mule. Ned O hasn't stopped racing so he's exempt until he officially does so.

dicky said...

Mike-Your math skilz sadden me. As a consistent mid-packer in shorter events I know what it takes to mid-pack. Had I finished 6th I woulda had 5 riders in front of me and 5 behind... mid-pack. 5th place was slightly better than 6th, but still strongly mediocre.

dicky said...

Drug mule? What's the pay like?

Luis G. said...

Damn dude... was the photographer following you out on the course?

Nerd On A Bike said...

It's not about the pay so much as it is 'the experience.'

BTW, is it more embarrasing when you're being passed by a guy wearing a big, baggy-this is what my wife wears to bed- T shirt on a green rigid fork when you're in full lycra kit on a Formula 1 PUSH'd Fox fork???? I don't think 'the clean guy' realizes the implications of what just transpired in that photo.

rob said...

Luis: this is a "short track" race. So there are MANY laps made. I want to say the course is 3/4 mile long. TD, plus correct me.

jkeiffer said...

The Pie didn't tell you what the euphemism for "buffing my helmet" was? Oh, I guess that one was obvious...

Billy Fehr said...

Yeah Luis...it was a short track, the photographer followed everyone.

The Evil MGE! said...

avoided beer for the last three or more days, and some of them had even eaten something other than left over cake before the race."

Wait a minute. Wasn't it you, that berated me for drinking stouts and eatin Mc D's after a longish ride including Kitsuma and Heartbreak?

Carry on Lite weight.

dicky said...

MGE- I was just concerned for your health.

Anonymous said...

Yo TD - thanks for soiling my life with the TURDFINGER link...I've showered but can't get rid of the stench...like a train wreck, I've gotta watch...

wv: clallop

The Evil MGE! said...

Thanks little dude, My life has been better since I rid myself of Mc'D's. The Stouts though, must stay.

Mysty said...

well geez Dicky, here I thought you were going to post some dirty pictures... you are still too clean in them! LOL.. however you did look like you matched the clay slope in the one shot that had the big puddle... now if you fell in said puddle THEN you would be dirty worthy... looks like you had fun. Your poor pink wheels...