Thursday, March 25

Udder Domination

Yesterday I was ruminating on the fact that I won't be as fit as I would have liked for the upcoming Six Hours of Warrior Creek. I was afraid that it won't be so easy to attain last year's position on the single speed podium due to a certain lack of fitness caused by a certain lack of riding caused by no certain lack of overabundant mucus production.

photo cred: Cathie Docherty

In my early morning haze I had forgotten that standard podiums are no longer my goal. The regular rules of racing and class structure no longer apply to me, and even though The Moustache isn't here to direct the Bad Idea Racing Team I am sticking with the game plan for 2010; "the complete and utter domination of the cycling industry and media types". As I mentioned before the only member of the Industry Illuminati that I know for certain that will be attending is local cycling legend Arleigh Jenkins. Her internet presence is mighty, but her cycling performance is hidden in a shroud of mystery. Unlike future nemesi Mike Cushionbury and Tyler Benedict I have never faced Arleigh on the field of battle, so I will have to rely on my sharpened skills as a tactician and shit talker to overcome this nefarious foe.

So here are the top six (because six is a great number) reasons Arleigh Jenkins should FJEAR me at the 2010 Six Hours of Warrior Creek:

1) I only write one blog and an occasional article for Dirt Rag while she maintains thirty seperate blogs and Facebooks every hour on the hour. I barely have any time for actual training, so I have to assume that she has absolutely no time for training. I don't even think she sleeps, which would probably be useful at a twenty four hour race, but at a six hour race?? Not so much.

2) She rides like a girl. Never mind the fact that she is a girl, and thusly rides like a girl due to genetic reasons. Apparently I could ride like a girl too if I really wanted to, so let's just say the odds are even on that point although I get beat by girls on a pretty regular basis.

3) I have already been to this event before. This is not so much a matter of course knowledge as it is a matter of venue knowledge. I am familiar with the lay of the land, and I can assure you that I'll be in a hurry to cross the finish line as soon as possible so I can get one of the good parking spots at the awards party.

4) I've been doping. I'm not sure what benefit there is, in regards to cycling performance, to intentionally introduce impurities into an extremely pure semiconductor to change its electrical properties, but I hear it's all the rage in Europe. I hope it works out to my advantage because introducing impurities to semiconductors all winter was exhausting. All the squinting and tiny little handshakes...

5) My nutrition plan will not be entirely based on Trader Joe's All Natural Joe-Joe's Cookies like it was last year. That was a big mistake as I found myself trying to choke back dried out cookies for six hours. This year I will be eating something smarter... like saltines or perhaps sawdust.

6) If it comes down to a finish line sprint I am fully prepared. I've been watching Mark Cavendish outsprint the field on youtube for weeks, and I see how it's done. You just stand up and ride faster than the other guy making sure to give yourself enough of a lead to make a cocky gesture at the finish line.

"Hello, Sue George with Yeah, this is Dicky. I just completely and utterly dominated the cycling industry and media types at the Six Hours of Warrior Creek, and I'm ready for my interview.... hello....hello.... hello?"


Jason said...

You PhotoShop skillz just might put me out of a job (if I had real job). Phone that shit home. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

That is one big mellon in the Cavendick photo!

Drew said...

Rich, I will be at 6wc... With gears and a team mate.

Dmn8 us too pls?

K, thx...

Luis G. said...

I came in here to see some mammary glands and was sorely disappointed...

TheMutt said...

While I'm not as worthy of an adversary as Arleigh, do you wanna take bets on how many times you lap me at 6WC? Don't worry, I'll keep an accurate count.