I am 1,000 monkeys

Man, I spend a little time with Thom Parsons from Big Bikes Media (a subdivision of Cycling Dirt) and I turn into a regular whipping boy done wrong.  Let's collect the Dick references thus far.  I've already mentioned the fact that I'm the current poster boy on their facebook timeline image, so I'll skip that.

On Tuesday, I noticed that Thom was doing some Cohutta related pre-race coverage over on Big Bikes Media.  The first thing that caught my eye was that there was a very dated image of me in the header.

That was me riding shirtless on my way to the win at the 2006 Cohutta.  It was my first hundie and also the year that the Cohutta was not part of the inaugural season of the NUE.  Also of note, that was probably the last time somebody won a single speed class hundie on a 26" wheeled bike... just typing.

The choice of images was obvious.  When people think of the NUE, they think of Amanda Carey and some asshole who hasn't seen an NUE podium (that didn't go ironically Dicky Deep) since the 2007 Shenandoah 100.

And then everybody's favorite second place single speeder, Matt Ferrari dropped the D-bomb in his 11 Vaguely Cohutta 100 Related Questions With Single-speed Killer Matt Ferrari interview.

1. Matt Ferrari, no offense, but there was a time when you were not as fast as you are now, what happened? Did you decide that it was totally ironic for a guy with the name "Ferrari" to be slow?

"Back in the early days of the 100 milers as an organized discipline, it was really just you, me, Dickie, and Dejay out there doing these things consistently. For the most part each event was different, in terms of the course, the organization, and the field. Neither was there the possibility of a consistent strategy, nor was there much incentive. But as the series developed and all the original dirtbags moved on..."

Yes, it's true.  There was a time when I could beat Matt.  At my first NUE race (the 2006 Mohican) I laid down a blistering attack late in the day that crushed Matt so terribly he gave away his dog after the race saying something like "I'm not worthy of his unconditional love" to her new owners.  I used to lament the passing of the days when a single speeder could drink all night before a hundred miler and still make the podium the next day.  I have come to accept the fact that podiums are not something that I want to plan or prepare for considering the amount of sacrifice necessary to compete at the highest level.  If I make a podium nowadays, it's more of a "1,000 monkeys with a 1,000 typewriters in a locked room for a 1,000 years" kinda thing.  I'll write Shakespeare now and then, but it's not like I'm trying to.  I'm just banging on the keys here and throwing my feces at the other riders.

On Wednesday, Thom asked Gerry "The Pflug" Pflug the question we all wanna know the answer to:

6. What do you do for fuel during a 100 miler? Rich Dillen claims you eat babies or something. Rich Dillen is the size of a large baby...would you eat him?

Click over if you wanna know more (sorry, no images of The Pflug eating man-flesh).

Then on Thursday, there was a double Dick bomb dropped.  Thom posted his ride with Dicky in Pisgah video (complete with awkward crash sequence)



And then later in the day, I was awkwardly facewalled by Colt of Cycling Dirt.

I clicked over and watched in anticipation as Colt tried to blow a guys dick off...

with a floor pump and an innertube.  After that, I watched attentively waiting to see why Colt had bothered to post this batshit craziness on MY wall.

Then, it was there in front of me.

I guess my actual finger is quite fertile and when I virtually finger banged him on Monday, the end result was a finger baby with my digital DNA.

So, I am not racing the Cohutta this weekend, nor am I doing anything newsworthy whatsoever, yet I get more press than I would expect given my lack of current raciness.  Maybe I'm better off just staying away from racing all together and just focusing on hobnobbing with the cycling media elite.

Nah, most of them are assholes.