Tuesday, December 8

What I've got you've got to get it put it on you

Super rock star Anthony Kiedis shows us where he likes to apply his That Butt Stuff chamois cream before a ride.

I recently got another shipment of That Butt Stuff VIA FedEx. When I opened it I found the box contained more That Butt Stuff than I could use over the next year even if I were to grow another butt and hire a midget to keep it constantly anointed with That Butt Stuff. So in order to spread the butt wealth I have decided I will give it away, give it away, give it away now.

What do I want from you? I'm having a poetry contest, and I will give the winner the grand prize. The winner will be the one who writes the poem that The Pie likes the best (she doesn't know who any of you are, so that should keep it impartial). The poem can be short, long, a haiku, or a song... I don't care. It just needs to be related to butt lubrication and PG13'esque. Post it in the comments here, and I'll have The Pie read them as they come in. She will choose the winner over the weekend, and I'll announce it on Monday.

What can you win?

Actual product will not be quite so blurry

One six ounce tube of That Butt Stuff (street value - $14)
One handy dandy .5oz spare tube for your hydration pack (street value - $1)
One That Butt Stuff sticker (street value - priceless... or .75)

I have used That Butt Stuff on multiple occasions now, and I can attest to the quality of this product. While it did not remove any wrinkles or unwanted pounds from my butt, it did keep it chafe free for hours of enjoyable saddle time. I have not personally applied the sticker yet, as I think it will stick to the hair on my butt causing unwanted butt discomfort.

I will be shipping this on my dime, so I may just use the UPS Underground delivery option that Swiftwick uses to get product to me, so you'll have to allow for 6-73 days for delivery.

Since That Butt Stuff is made with oils of olive, avocado, sweet almond & shea butter I can't guarantee that the UPS gophers won't eat some of your prize along the way, so please be understanding when they show up at your house with a slightly nibbled package. They are easily frightened and may not return to your house if they feel threatened.

Give me your best, or your worst. I'm not sure what The Pie's tastes will be.


Anonymous said...

My butt
is sore
dicky is
a brand whore
that butt stuff
I need some more.

10 second poem.
Mike B.

Anonymous said...

Still working on my poem
Butt I'd like to win it because I wanna try it out on my clients as massage cream

Anonymous said...

One day i awoke
my butt looked unstoked
i gave it a poke poke
said i need that butt stuff

sent dicky into town
to have a look around
he shopped with ferver, didn't make a sound
said i'll buy him that butt stuff

dicky came home
said he wanted to bone
opened a bottle of petron
said lets do that butt stuff

i thought wwjd
my butts usually only for my lady
this guy looks kinda shady
said but he's got that stuff

he rubbed the ointment in
should have seen his grin
he was on a mission
said oooh i'm using that butt stuff

thats when I jumped to feet
my butt no longer felt like concrete
busted past dicky out to the street
said i love that butt stuff

so i hopped on my bike
its a three speed trike
i was comfy, so so psyched
i cruised around, rolling like big mike
gold teeth, strong legs, bitch go take a hike
i don't need nothin, no thugs no dike
i just do my thang happy i got that butt stuff

that's as appropriate as i'll ever be. chris j

Anonymous said...

my dearest dicky
my butt is super sticky
i need that butt stuff

Anonymous said...

A That Butt Stuff Haiku

Rub my butt Dicky
With That Butt Stuff Chamois creme
I won't tell the Pie

Luis G. said...

Winter - A Sonnet

As the leaves begin to transform
Signaling the approach of winter
For the long days of summer I mourn
For the darkness that approaches I sinter

With each passing cold day
The long epic rides grow distant
The thirst of adventure slowly fades
But the memory of chafing remains instant

At midnight the year dawns anew
Gradually the internal fire begins to burn
Races are outlined, ride plans stew
Excitement and hope in your stomach churns

As the wheels turn on trails weathered rough
I am thankful for the smooth glide of That Butt Stuff.

Anonymous said...

There once was a bike rider named Dicky.
Who's butt was sore, rashed, and sticky.
Then one day he discovered 'the butt stuff'.
the application, he found, was pleasing, not tough!
and his mind quickly wandered to places more icky....


drew said...

Get smart get down with the bow wow

The time to get"that butt stuff" is right now

My ass was chapped so me and dicky had a pow wow

He said with out it your ass is going to wither

Looking at my saddle is making my cheeks quiver,

Gonna win this rhyme contest and dicky will deliver

Inspired by RHCP lyrics.

dirtdirt's dirt said...

i cant get enough
of that butt stuff

when i use TBS
my ass is not a mess

after hours on the saddle
my grundle is still at it's best

TBS does not
leave my taint sticky

trying to win this
contest proposed by dicky

drew said...

Gibiduhwaynow gibiduhwayno gibiduhwaynowow

BubCO said...

bereft That Butt Stuff
thy bottom is rubescent
thine eyes well with tears

Anonymous said...

(to the tune of “Baby’s Got Back”)

I like That Butt Stuff
I can’t deny
Goes on your taint not in your eye
All oozy and creamy
Makes my butt feel so dreamy

And then I ride
And my rump begins to glide
Slathered on by the saucer
Compliments of Garth Prosser

So Pete-uh, Pete-uh
You wanna make your life sweeter?
Then grab a dab
Of this magic salve
And grind it like you gotta have
That Butt Stuff

-submitted by The Notorious PIG

Anonymous said...

Haiku – my first lesson in chamois lubrication

Are you crazy, man?
Now I’ve got to throw it out,
Never double-dip!

TheMutt said...

Chamois Butter

Is what I've used the most

But it tastes really bad

When I put it on my toast

That Butt Stuff seems

Like stuff out of my dreams

And I'd really like a chance

To put it in my pants

So please Mr. Dicky

And The Pie if your so inclined

Give me a chance

To put TBS on my behind

This is the closest I'll be

To being sponsored by Team Dicky

So why don't you give me

A tube of greasy butt candy

Anonymous said...

long ride, dry chamois
a newbie crying in pain
mmm, ahh, that butt stuff!

haiku mb

Christopher said...

Bicycle rider turns cyclist –
a transformation

Two-mile ride to a friend’s house at age eight, a long ride.
Years later, evening ride with dad, conversation as free as you felt and a memory burned deep, a worthwhile ride.
Cross-campus ride to your exam after waiting til the last second to leave the arms of your college sweetheart, record-breaking and reckless, but what wasn’t back then?
Longer rides after realizing people actually ride for more than an hour before turning around, and enjoying every minute of it, the beginning of the transformation.

The all-day ride up your first mountain in the rain and mud, wondering how you will get down, wondering if you’ll die riding up, sometimes wishing you would, wondering why you keep following the guy ahead of you, knowing he’s more experienced and thinking you don’t belong there, but chasing his wheel relentlessly for some reason, chasing something bigger than that perhaps, chasing away innocence, chasing away fear, focused on nothing but your breath, a tinge of fear, discomfort like you’ve never felt, comfort like you’ve never felt, alone and connected at the same time, determined for the first time in your life, knowing the summit exists and not allowing it to get away, cutting deep, gritting teeth, eyes blur, sound fades, head in the clouds, literally, and finally reaching the rocky top where you get off the bike, stand a bit taller, understanding what your father meant years before on that evening ride when he told you about the importance of determination and hard work, how it will take you places in life that aren’t attainable otherwise – even to the top of mountains.

The ride down is a mud slip-n-slide, it’s a wonder you survive, but somehow you do.
You wrap yourself in a garbage bag to keep the mud from soaking into your buddy’s car seat
and feel for the first time, a stinging pain in your butt you’ve never before felt...
Saddle sores!

“Dude, my butt’s killing me, like it’s bleeding.”

“You got saddle sores my friend, you should’ve used some chamois lube.”

“How would I know? I’m not a cyclist.”

“Dude, you are.”

Hooples3 said...

The pressure increases with every mile.
The pain begins to stop my smile
every pedal stroke, becomes a joke.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I realize something and let out a sigh.
I stand up off of my seat tube
and realize I need some of that butt lube

Anonymous said...

unce, pwice, tree pimes a wady

dicky said...

I believe it's "Unce, tice, fee times a mady".

Anonymous said...

my name is dicky
and my ass is picky

that butt stuff
i just cant get enough

when my bung is a mess
i dress it with TBS

when my taint needs more
TBS is what i reach for

even thou TBS is the best
my 2009 race season was less

Bruce Wildermuth said...

My Brooks saddle is sweet
And so kind to my seat
But when times do get tough
I reach for That Butt Stuff
To cool down that old prickly heat

Anonymous said...

(to the tune of “Home On The Range”)

My butt is so sore
I can’t take it no more
I need help in a big kind of way
My junk hurts real bad
As if I just had
Applied a handful of menthol BenGay

Help, help That Butt Stuff
Don’t know why I thought I was so tough
Rubbed it into my pores
Where I get saddle sores
And my seat on my taint ain’t so rough

Now I’m a new man
Just one dip from this can
Of mystical wondrous goo
Red, rough and sore
Don’t describe me no more
With this butt there’s no thing I can’t do

Thanks, thanks That Butt Stuff
My chapped ass has all gone away
And now my hard seat
Doesn’t hammer my meat
And like Dicky I can ride on all day

-tex the rump ranger

Blair said...

My Haiku....

Dicky's wife is great
Her beauty is unrivaled
She puts up with lots.

zencycle said...

Shortly after a palliative care nurse suggested Preparation H as a treatment for my weeping-induced under-eye bags, my mother, who was dying of cancer, opened her eyes and left me with these parting words of wisdom to sustain me after she died: "Whatever you do, do NOT put ass cream on your face."

OK, it isn't poetry, barely prosaic, and isn't even mine, but I had to share.

It came from here

That Butt Stuff said...

First thought, "Hey that's not about butt lube!"
But wait, it is about kissing butt!" Nice Haiku!


DukePirate said...

Dicky Got Butt Stuff
(To the tune of “Baby Got Back”)

I like The Butt Stuff and I can not lie.
You other brothas can’t deny:
When you pedal all day on that skinny little taint
And the saddle’s throwin’ hate,
You get chafed, and your ass gets rough,
Cause you know your junk ain’t tough.
Deep is the pain you’re feelin’,
You’re bonked and yer sores are oozin’.
Oh baby, your grundel’s got you
And won’t let go.
Your homeboys tried to warn you,
But now your ass is horny.
Ooh, Rump-o-rough-skin:
Go ahead ‘n flag down that Benz.
Now use it, use it
‘Cause it ain’t no average skin cream.
I’ve used all the others.
To Hell with that silly Swiss Assos,
This is slick, smooth
Got it goin’ like carbon Cube.
I’m tired of magazines
Sayin’ sore ass is the thing
Take the average rider and ask him that
You gotta pack much cream
So, fellas – yeah! – Fellas – Yeah!:
Have you got TBS on your butt? Hell yeah!
You’ve got to rub it – rub it! – rub it! – rub it!
Rub TBS on your butt.
TBS is not whack!

(Nice happy ass with the TBS smoothing)
TBS is not whack!

[Oh, I've got more -- don't you worry! -- but I figure one verse is enough for the moment. Let me know if you want more, as I'd like nothing more than continue to fill your comments section with my love of oldschool rap and butt creams.]