Many final words before I walk out the door...

I'm gonna make a point, and then I'm gonna get off track, and then I'll get back on point.

On June 1st (next Wednesday) the Pisgah Mountain Bike Stage Race bloggers contest will be over, and also the fresh salsa I bought for the TSE will go to the bad. As of 6:00PM last night here's how things were going:

I have not mentioned the contest since May 4th since I didn't want to clog up my blog asking for votes for two whole months. I am currently in third (for those of you that did not make it past second grade), but unfortunately only the top two win an entry. I kinda figured this might happen when the voting went over to facebook. Cory and Missouri are very young, as in their ages added together equal mine. Looking at their votes I see a whole lotta high schoolers and college aged constituents, a demographic that spends 85% of their waking day on facebook. Young people who will take the time to vote for "Who's cuter: Justin Bieber or a kitten playing with a ball of string?" Very involved, our youth today....

I received a comment yesterday that kinda explained in a caustic nutshell how I feel about the current results. While I am quite glad that facebook has stopped any potential vote cheating, it has also turned this into a social network contest instead of a blog contest. I'm not gonna come out and say anyone has a sucky blog, but I will say that mine is superior in terms of verbiage quantity and quality and general entertainment value.

If you want me to win, you are going to have to make it happen while I am in Pennsylvania. If you have a blog, I ask that you get all bloggy about this. You will also need to go on facebook and demand that your non-cycling friends make a change that will greatly affect how entertained you are this September. Bike 29 teammate Emily Brock executed a fine example of the guerrilla technique that it's gonna take to win.


So, if you want me to win you have until next Wednesday to make it happen. Forty votes is nothing and one hundred and twenty? Chump change.

Here's the link to copy and paste with your own creative flair added in to pull your friends into the voting fray:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=question&id=10150580814995355

I was going to put off my campaign until I found out the results from this other contest I entered, knowing that if I won you may not feel like giving me another victory, and I would not ask you to do so. Unfortunately, even though that contest ended on May 1st, they have yet to declare a winner. I will have to continue keeping my eggs in many baskets until further notice.

And now to go on to more important matters...

Emily not only supported my efforts in a valiant manner, she also forwarded this image from Runner's World to me:


I'm not gonna tell you who to look for in this image, but let's just say he or she is a TSE alumni and that is his/her butt.

Also, do you know how I know most nude triathletes are gay?

There's a bunch of naked women surrounding them and they're focused on starting their stopwatches.

Except this guy:

He brought a very big towel and appears to be squirting the runners with his Camelbak Podium bottle.

Baller move indeed. That's a very big towel he's not covered in.

After publishing yesterday's post I sent an email thanking the guys at Camelbak for their support with a link to my post. Usually when I get stuff there are no expectations placed on me, and for the most part I just use the new acquisitions for blog fodder. I had no idea where I was going to go with my post at 5:30AM yesterday, and it just went to the Dick in a Bottle concept on the fly. I sent a link to my contacts at Camelbak and waited nervously for a reply.

I finally received an email, and I can breath easy. They were not bothered by the fact that I suggested they may have stuck their penises (peni?) in my bottles. Camelbak has passed the litmus test, and will continue their support of my future efforts. Kudos.

Thanks to facebook and a Stan's employee that must have been hibernating since the last TSE, I have a couple "new" images from last year's race.

Here I am looking quite resplendent in my BKB kit on one of the Three Bridges.

And here I am struggling to get on one of the Three Bridges looking much less resplendent than before:

Bridge meh.

I will have my laptop at TSE, and I'm contractually required to submit an online article for Dirt Rag halfway through the week. Something about taking away my free subscription if I don't do it, so when I post it up, I will link it here. Otherwise, there will more than likely be radio silence while I am gone.

On Monday I said this:

"Expect short'esque posts all week long. I'm blog tapering for the TSE."

You may have noticed that my posts have been anything but short. I planned on sleeping in to ready my mind and body for TSE, but my internal clock got used to the early morning wake-ups over the previous month. Since I was not going to go out on a ride and I was already packed, I spent the extra time blogging and drinking a second pot of coffee.

You're welcome.

That's the kinda guy you want to win the bloggers contest, right?

Do my dirty work so I won't have to. Keep up the pressure until next Wednesday. Promise (or threaten) nude photos to your facefriends. Call in favors. Burn down houses. Whatever it takes.

Not worried about the little people

I was 100% 9/10 packed for TSE on Sunday.

The Pie RN likes to point out that before TSE stood for Trans-Sylvania Epic it was testicular self-exam in the medical world. I assure those of you in the medical field that I have been talking about this:

photo cred: AE Landes

And not this:

Good Lord, do not do a google image search for testicular self-exam.

Ewwwwwww....

I was only 9/10 packed since I was (and still am) waiting on certain items to be delivered. Sponsor Liaison and Equipment Acquisitions Director, Admiral Ackbar was a little late in getting a hold of a few key sponsors in order to get some even more key'esque equipment.

The six pack of Camelbak Podium bottles arrived. What makes the Podium bottle such a necessary component to the making of great bike race at TSE? You can watch this video...



I know, it kinda looks a bit like the Dick in a Box video.

I washed my bottles out with hot water just in case.

I suggest you just look at these images for the quick version.


No opening/closing the bottle before/after you use it, and no sticky energy drink shit to wash off your bike every night. Also, when you toss it in your drop bags rest assured that no matter how poorly your gear is treated on the way to the aid station, your drink will not leak all over your copy of Cosmo you packed (I'm talking to you, Bisquick).

Between these bottles and my easy in/out Specialized Z-cages, I'm gonna be happy to reach down between my legs all day at the TSE. The race will be nice as well. Supposedly another plus to the Podium bottle is the fact that it is made with BPA-Free, TruTasteTM Polypropylene with HydroGuardTM that lets you taste your water, not your bottle. I'll be bummed that I can no longer enjoy the flavor of orange Gatorade with just a hint of plastic wrap and beach ball.

Although I am an extreme weight weenie, I don't think I'll rip the rubber nubbin off the top of my new bottles just to shave four grams. Who the fuck would do that anyways?

I'm leaving tomorrow night and stopping in Virginia on the way. I will be fully loaded down, and I'm bringing everything I can think of...

even my compressor. Swapping tubeless tires made easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Fellow TSE'ers, if you would like to use my compressor please know that there is no slot for your quarters. The schedule of payment is as follows:

TSE Class Leaders: One size small leaders jersey.

Single Speed Class: Each use will cost you five minutes on the GC.

Women's Class: Beads are to Mardi Gras as air is to TSE. Figure that one out for yourselves.

All others: You have nothing I need. Bring a floor pump.


Seven loose references to male genitalia and one inference to boobs.

It will be a good day.

I am the law

I used to own this shirt in college.

I lost it at some point. Now it's worth $150-200? Sounds like it's still undervalued. Mine was even customized, no sleeves and cut short at the midriff.

Anyways, I am the law around here. Yesterday I deleted a comment that was posted early in the morning. I don't know if I was in a bad mood, or if I'm just getting tired of random anonymous comments. Not the occasional anonymous "pussy" comments, but the shouts from a dark room type stuff. Throwing out shit from behind the wall of anonymity that is the internet. There's a place for that kinda thing. It's called MTBR.



Rip on me all you want. I allow it, and for the most part, encourage it.

Want to slam other people? Go to the comments on their blog or start your very own vile website full of cycling oriented hatred.

Want to slam products without providing some kinda background information or at least a name (BTW: the offending comment was about a non-sponsor's product)?

I got four words for you; emm, tea, bee, arrrrr.

My friend Mike Brown used to say, "Own your words with your name... unless you're calling someone a pussy."

Speaking of ripping on me, Mike Cushionbury posted a false interview with yours truly over on the Trans-Sylvania Epic website. I can't believe he'd put that crap on the internet.

Apparently we need to let Sue Haywood in on our not so private little joke.

Missouri Miller knows that I'm the law. When I first met him, he was all like " I swear there's nothing in the bag officer."

Is that a pack of Altoids in your pocket, or do you just have a funny shaped dick?

If you bothered to read Mike's inflammatory words there is a small amount of truth to what he has to say... very small.

I can be very pretty.

I also intend to steal some of Grig's Club Ride Apparel. It's only because it seems like it's something I wasn't meant to have, and like a true American, that makes me want it all the more.

I won a size medium something or other at SSAZ, but their medium was too large for my small body. I ended up re-gifting it to Dough so he could wear it when he rides his bike to the salon.

I bet he drove the other girls getting perms that day insane with jealousy.

I tried to finagle one of the Dirt Rag special Dirt Fest issue jerseys, but even pulling departmental strings netted me zero jerseys.

Looks like I'll end up wearing my $2.50 Value Village Apparel shirt again this year.

I'm gonna hold out until Club Ride gets with the program and starts doing some silk screen work anyways.


Don't forget...

You won't fuck around no more.

As promised...

Mike Cushionbury, in an attempt to get a job with High Torque Publications, did a Mountain Bike Action style write-up on my "ready for Trans-Sylvania Epic" bike. Of course they were all like "Dicky who?", and the article never made it to print...

until now.

Inside the Pro's Bikes:

Team Dicky's Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5.

This is the Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5, a one of a kind aluminum single speed designed by the folks at Misfit Psycles and fabricated in Surrey, BC by the fine folks at YESS. We (as in the royal "we") sat down with unproffesional cyclist Rich Dillen (known worldwide as Team Dicky) and talked to him about his special, one of a kind, elitist, awkwardly stunning, single speed mountain bike.

Mike: So Rich, can I call you Dick?

Dicky: Most people do, so go ahead.

Mike: So Dick, a custom aluminum single speed. Seems odd, don't you think, being that most high end custom bikes are ti or steel.

Dicky: Well, single speeding is all about being able to say "Hey, I'm different, just like you." You want to be the most different guy out there, and being that my facial hair is pathetic and I'm afraid of tattoo parlors, I had to think outside the box. A custom aluminum frame was the answer.

Mike: Tell us about your set-up. Are there any components that take the edge off for endurance racing, other than an occasional beverage.

Dicky: Obviously there's the fat crabon frok from Niner, and Niner crabon bar, an Eriksen ti post, and a cushy WTB Silverado saddle.

Mike: What's that lump of shit under your saddle?

Dicky: That's a tube, a CO2 cartridge, and a tire lever held in place by a Hitch strap. I don't ever plan on fixing a flat during a race, it's too stressful, but it gives the appearance that I am serious about racing. That's very important you know... looking serious about racing while sucking quite a bit.

Mike: Don't I know it. I practically invented that modus operandi. Speaking of looking serious, what's that garbage on your bars?

Dicky: That would be my custom number plate holder with the recent addition of a computer that I mounted specifically for this race. The promoters did such a great job last year that I didn't have much to complain about, so I am going to try to scrutinize this year's race much more closely looking for faults such as incorrectly advertised course distances.

Mike: You have a very spartan control area. What's going on there?

Dicky: Hayes Strokers disc brakes have been slowing me down, quite literally, for years now. They come in white, which is quite pleasing to the eye. We are currently in talks regarding sponsorship, but the public nudity charges keep coming up. For grips I run the Bontrager Race X Lite foamies, even though I wish I were running Ergons like all the cool kids. I think a marriage of Ergon ergonomics mixed with the comfort of a foamie grip would be the bee's knees, but what do I know? I do run then Ergon bar plugs, as they are the easiest to trim down and squeeze into a carbon bar... not to mention the white highlights just set the bike off.

Mike: And your outdated drivetrain?

Dicky: The cranks? As Tom Ritchey once said, "Free, black, and stiff. Pick three."

Mike: That's not what he said. Not even close. Are you liking those new XTR pedals?

Dicky: I've got a thing for XTR pedals. If they update them, I must have them.

Mike: I hear next the new 2012 pedals will have a bigger "X" in the logo.

Dicky: Do you know when they will be available?

Mike: What can you tell us about the Industry Nine wheels?

Dicky: They are loud and pink which helps with the whole "Look at me, I'm riding a single speed" thing. The stiffness and engagement are nice, but it's really about sticking out in a sea of ubiquitous difference. That's a Misfit Psycles COD cog 19 tooth on the back, so I guess my mysterious gear selection for TSE is no longer mysterious... or is it?

Mike: What's with the Mountain Pipe? Is that a bike related item or something you picked up at a head shop?

Dicky: That's a mini-pump from Genuine Innovations, but like I said, I have no intentions of fixing a trailside flat during the race, so I removed all the working internals to save weight. Once again, the most important aspects of racing are looking serious and getting your sponsors maximum exposure. I may suck at racing, but I'm the best where it matters.

Mike: How do you like those bottle cages? They look pretty stupid.


Dicky: I have yet to lose a bottle out of my Specialized Z-cages, and they are by far the best cages I've used on a small frame as far as getting the water bottle in/out. Missing are the Camelbak Podium bottles I requested at the last minute. I realized having bottles that don't have to be opened/closed every time you use them might be an advantage on the technical trails of TSE. I'm so glad I waited till the last minute to ask for them, so I can be worried all week as to whether or not they will get here in time.

Mike: What's your favorite part on the whole bike?

Dicky: My Woodman Death Grip SL Ti seatpost clamp.

Mike: Why would the most insignificant part on your bike be your favorite?

Dicky: Because they use the word "death" in the name. Had Industry Nine made Death Wheels, or Eriksen a Death Post, or Specialized a Death Cage, or WTB a Death Saddle, or Hayes a Death Brake...

Mike: I see where you're going. Anything else you want to add?

Dicky: Sure. For tires I run a Panaracer Rampage up front, but a Maxxis IKON in the rear. I hope you like the IKON.

Mike: Why?

Dicky: Because that's all you're going to see next week... bitch.

Shit Fit

Saturday I got out for what will be my last mountain bike ride before the Trans-Sylvania Epic. I forced The Dude, Zac, and Kurt out of bed at a God awful hour, and although Kurt 's idea of God awful was about twenty minutes later then the rest of us, we made it out to Wilson's Creek and were mounted up by 8:30AM. Four people and four bikes in a Honda Fit?

Mon Dieu.

C'est incredible.

Three bikes on the Raxter Thorax and my bike (in pieces) in the back. With a little Tetris type packing it worked out well, aside from bottoming out the hitch while driving a little too fast down a forest road. Yes, I scratched up the interior, and no, I did not cover the offending scratchy parts of my bike with the blanket that is always in the trunk.

Like any good Wilson's ride we started with the @8 mile climb that ascends something like 2,400 feet to some trail that I am never sure if we are supposed to mention the name or not. While waiting to start our day in a more leg friendly direction, Zac and Kurt cleaned house in the woods.

I forgot to take out my camera for most of the ride. It's just how I do things. I did roll up on Zac, who you may remember as my 2011 PMBAR partner from a few weeks ago, sitting at the edge of the trail.

I thought he was working on something, but as I got closer I could hear him mumbling under his breath.

"They can't has you, precious. They wanted the precious back, but they can't has the precious. It was that hobbitses Eric Wever that wanted you back, precious. You're my precious, always will be my precious."

Great ride, aside from the fact that my potential Double Dare partner is turning less Sméagol and more Gollum every day.

Expect short'esque posts all week long.

I'm blog tapering for the TSE.

More TSE? What did you really expect?

Now that I have totally revealed all my plans for the Trans-Sylvania Epic (yesterday's post), I may have to come up with a new plan. The competition is well aware of what I was going to do, and I only have a week to prepare something new. Well, I can still go through with my plans to thwart Dough as he doesn't read my blog, he just looks at the pretty pictures.

I just found out that Jeremiah Bisquick will be attending TSE this year, after earlier saying he would not be there, thus compounding my problems even more. He's such a distraction, always asking me for advice on tire pressure, bike set-up, skinsuit or jersey, 26" or 29", nutrition, dealing with adoring fans, and depending on weather, should he use gel or mousse. I don't mind helping the guy out, but I've got my own race to think about sometimes, and I just feel like he should have some of this stuff worked out by now.

Seriously, mousse out on the course, hair gel for podiums only...

and wiener* at the 6:00 position for podium pictures.




You looked, didn't you?

Let me just say this about TSE. I can't wait to meet Barry Wicks, Ross Schnell, Jason Sager (who wins the "Hardest Blog to Navigate" prize), and Jason Moeschler, and get to know them at some remotely tertiary level that will make me feel comfortable enough to "mention" them on my blog in some "flattering" way. Jokes about Jeremiah and hair gel are getting harder to come by.

Sizzle-Lean Yeager recently posted her pre-TSE condition over on her Bicycling column.

Sizzle-Lean Yeager either demonstrating the appropriate size of a portion of chicken or how she plans to wring my neck as soon as she sees me next week.

She is currently doing what she refers to as "tapering," a term I am not unfamiliar with, but not something I find necessarily useful. Instead of a reduction in saddle time (up to halving total volume) in conjunction with eating to replace depleted stores, I am riding as much (or as little) as I was before and aside from an occasional cookie binge, I am losing weight at an unprecedented rate. Sort of taking a cue from Fatty, I am heretoforthwith eating nothing but egg products. The difference being that he is eating 20 egg whites a day, while I am eating the equivalent of 30 egg shells for each meal. It doesn't taste very good at all, but the roughage has been quite the intestinal Draino.

This weekend I will be heading to the mountains for the fourth weekend in a row. This is all part of my non-taper taper plan. A marital/familial window opened, and I'm jumping out head first. Trips to the mountain are too precious to squander, race taper or not. I haven't been on the Superbeast in quite awhile, and I'm dying to try to hurt myself again.



With the race being only one week out, over the next eight days I will be hunkering down for some logistical preparation. Some new equipment is still on the way, and other new equipment is currently in a "maybe it will be here, maybe it won't" status. The Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5 is solid, and the cyclometer is fully functional with the addition of $10.00 worth of watch batteries.

I only speak one kind of taper.

Maybe Sizzle-Lean was describing my stiff oversized cockpit* in that photo. It seems it's all the womens field at the TSE can talk about amidst the giggles and tee-hees.


*Two penis jokes in one post. I feel very proud of myself this morning.

The lost TSE interview they didn't want you to see

Mike Cushionbury, former deputy test director of Mountain Bike and current contributing columnist to Modern Dental Appliques and Asian Gardening (a very niche magazine) has been doing a series of interviews with some of the big names participating in this year's Trans-Sylvania Epic. He's lobbed softball questions at Sue Haywood, Adam Snyder, Selene Yeager, Barry Wicks, Mark Weir, and Chris Beck (those two interviews are gone now). Mike interviewed me as well, being that I am the underdog favorite to win the single speed category this year. Unfortunately I was recently told that it wasn't going to be published. Something about bandwidth, decency, relevance, and how handsome Grig is.


Whatever.

Here is the interview they must not want you to see for whatever reason.

Mike C: So Rich, you are no stranger to stage racing. This year's Trans-Sylvania Epic will be your 10th MTB stage race, and even after nine less than stellar performances you're still participating in the stage race format. Although you nabbed a couple spots on the podium at TSE and Crank the Shield last year, you were dead last at the Breck Epic. What gives?

Team Dicky: Well Mike, I enjoy riding in new places and meeting new people... that and beating pasty white media folk with names that sound like a child's favorite breakfast cereal.

Mike C: Ah yes, last year's attempt to completely and utterly dominate the cycling industry and media types. How did that go for you?

Team Dicky: Well aside from Uber Fit Chick putting the wood to me, it went pretty well. I would have kicked your ass last year if the single speed category hadn't called a truce and decided to neutralize the last stage.

Mike C: That sounds like an excuse, a weak excuse. Anyways, you're riding a new bike this year. 2010's last place male single speeder Peter Keiller is the owner of Misfit Psycles, and he decided that instead of racing this year he should put one of his bikes under a more capable rider. He will not be attending this year's race. Will this have a negative impact on your performance?

Team Dicky: Quite the contrary. Peter is a horrible influence. After two stages I was still within striking distance of the top step of the podium, but then Peter was all like "Have a beer, Dicky," and then it was over. Not having him around will make things easier. The rest of the single speed class (aside from Dave "Fourth Place" Cormier) behaved like Mormons all week, so this year, as long as I can steer clear of Dave, I should be fine.

Mike C: Will you be attempting to completely and utterly dominate the cycling industry and media types this year?

Team Dicky: Yes, I will. My former editor Karen Brooks, now editor of Bicycle Times, and my current editor Josh Patterson will be there, as well as the unbeatable Selene Yeager and you'll be there. Are you still considered "in the industry?" Doesn't matter. I plan to destroy them all, including you.

Mike C: Harsh words from a "contributor," little man. Word on the street is that although all the talk has been about the highly competitive mens and womens fields, the single speed class is stacked with competition, and by competition, I mean people that have beaten you quite soundly in the past.

Team Dicky: Yeah, Jason Mahokey over at XXC Mag has really dropped the ball by not reporting the race that really matters to the cycling fans; the single speed class. Who does he think he is, cyclingnews.com? Anyways, I have a plan to dominate the single speed class this year.

Last year's winner: Grig

I am going to form an alliance with all the other members of the single speed class against Grig. We will tell him everyday that the stage will be another neutralized rolling party, and Grig, being the handsome gentleman super hero type, will show up to the start line in his cowboy outfit with a back pack full of beer already a few sheets to the wind. He'll fall for it every day, I have no doubt. He may be pretty, but he's very gullible.

Last year's second place: Dough

Dough should be easy to beat. I've spent enough time in his company, and I know his weaknesses. My plan is to leave current issues of Road and Track, Motor Trend, and Import Tuner all over the Eagle Lodge. Dough is going to waste such a good portion of his day in the bathroom having "private time" that his right arm will be sore, and he will have a hard time controlling his bike with his fatigued limb. If that doesn't work, I'm going to threaten to do a pressed ham on the windshield of his fancy station wagon if he doesn't let me win.

Dave "Fourth Place" Cormier

What can I say? Not a threat last year. Not a threat this year.

Kelly Klett

His wife Vanessa talks a lot, and she shared too much information with me at PMBAR while we waited a very long time for Kelly to finish. Apparently he is afraid of a lot of things, and he suffers from algophobia (fear of pain), rupophobia (fear of dirt), nyctohylophobia (fear of dark woods), and omphalophobia (fear of belly buttons), not to mention ablutophobia (fear of bathing, see above image) and zemmiphobia (fear of the Great Mole). Pennsylvania will terrify him, what with its dark, dirty woods and Amish people in belly shirts walking their pet moles.

Mark "Elk" Elassaser

Mark recently had surgery to have his retina reattached to his brain. I'm going to tell him that I don't think it's such a good idea for him to be riding around on rocky trails with a rigid fork risking his eyesight. Being that Mark trusts me, I will give him some "advice" from The Pie RN. He should ride around with one eye shut to keep his eye in his head, lest it become detached and fall out amongst the rocks. Furthermore, I will tell him that depth perception is over rated anyways, and riding with only one eye open will not affect his performance. Then again, if his eye falls out on the trail, this would stop Kelly in his tracks as he also suffers from ommetaphobia (fear of eyes).

Mike C: What about the other riders in the single speed class?

Team Dicky: Never heard of them. Must be nobodies.... well, other than Tanya, and she is not a threat.

Mike C: What about State College local Peter Buckland?

Team Dicky: Peter who?

Mike C: You spent a lot of time scheming, but have you spent any time actually training for the event.

Team Dicky: Hardly. Scheming is a pretty time consuming undertaking, and I find that training is much harder than coming up with nefarious plans of sabotage and trickery.

Mike C: So your predictions for the single speed class this year....

Team Dicky: Me on top of the podium, and besides that, who cares? I'm gonna fucking crush all comers and leave burnt corpses in my wake.

Mike C: Sick, delusional, yet slightly entertaining.



Look for another unpublished article from Mike Cushionbury next week.

Inside the Pro's Bikes: Team Dicky's Misfit diSSent Brontoawesomeous Meatplow V.5.